Betty's Blues

Random thoughts

2012-01-24T23:32:00.004-05:00

Since Christmas (or just before), I have purchased a blender and a juicer. I regularly make almond milk, and the boys and I drink a smoothie (banana, frozen berries, splash of almond milk) almost every day. We are eating cucumbers like they are the last food on earth. Carrot sticks are a close second in the vegetable category, although Matt chokes on them almost every time, and spits out dozens of huge chunks of half-chewed carrot into his napkin. Hmm... We are also eating our weight in grapes, apples, and clementines. And I have almost entirely banned high fructose corn syrup from our cupboards.

In the past several weeks, I've watched Super Size Me and Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. I also read the book Eat Right 4 Your Blood Type. I found Super Size Me and the blood type book to be depressing. Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead was rather inspirational.

I haven't made juicing a habit (yet?). It's SO much work to clean the blessed thing, and it takes a LOT of produce to make a little bit of juice. And sometimes the juice turns out nasty. Which feels like a waste of food, time, effort, and actually, it seems like quite a bit of money. Produce is expensive.

I really, really, really want to run a half marathon this year (and my two top picks for races are in April and May)... but I haven't run one single mile since about Thanksgiving. I just don't have it in me, I don't know. I just can't do it. It's really weird. I literally cannot get started. I have set my alarm to get up and run early at least a dozen times, and turned it off without getting up. Intentionally. I don't get it. It's frustrating me.

I recently bought Jillian Michaels's workout DVD 30 Day Shred. She promises I could lose 20 pounds in 30 days. Let's hope not. It has made me realize how pathetically weak I am, though. I don't consider myself out of shape, cardio-wise, but good gracious am I weak. It's depressing. I like working out, though. I enjoyed that Barefoot Cardio Pilates class I took last semester, too. I'm taking a spinning class this time around. Wonder if that will be "fun" or not...

I've been sewing a bunch. It's fun. I made the boys and Josh pajama pants for Christmas, and I have to say, I was pretty unhappy with how they all came out. They look OK, and for goodness' sake, they are pajamas, but there are a lot of imperfections that give away how rushed I was. I made Ben a pair of "backetsball" pants the other day, though, and they are pretty darned awesome if I do say so myself. Most awesome is that he loves them, which makes me so happy.

I volunteered to make something handmade for the first five people who commented on my Facebook status and reposted the status to their page. I got four true responses. I made three scarves, all different, and one fabric headband. I bought all of my fabric either in the remnant bin at Joann's, or "harvested" it from gigantic knit dresses on clearance at Old Navy. The remnant bin is also where I found the fabric for Ben's pants. Two gigantic dresses + Ben's remnant of mesh fabric for pants = <$10. Pretty awesome.

I read the entire Old Testament, every word, in 2011. I also read all of Proverbs. My goal was (is) to read all of the OT and Proverbs last year, and all of the New Testament and Psalms this year. So far I am failing miserably, but honestly, it's very easy to catch up. I happen to be on track at the present moment because I had a big catch-up session last night. And the NT reads like a suspense novel compared with the OT, sometimes. Maybe next year I will find one of those Bibles that has you reading the text in chronological order - that seems really interesting to me. I'm kind of proud of myself, though, because this is probably the first 'resolution' I've ever kept in my life, ever.

Josh's sister talked me into reading the Twilight books. I thought I would never get sucked in. Um, I'm sucked in. I'm 2/3 of the way through the final book, and then it's on to the movies. It is insane how much reading you can sneak in here and there when you are totally addicted to a book! I am going to have Twilight withdrawal after I'm done. I've been through it before though: Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, the Series of Unfortunate Events books... I wonder how many books I'll read in 2012.

Goals for this year: Read the NT and Psalms. Run a half marathon. Pay off my school loan. Sew myself something to wear that I would actually wear (and not just a scarf). Relax more. Pursue more, or more intentionally (yes, I recognize the contrast between those last two). Eat more vegetables. Make even more dinners at home. Read lots of books. Potty train Matt. Maybe even get the little guy into a big boy bed. Blog more? Take more pictures. Spend less time on Facebook. Spend more time with real people. Finish quilting the quilt that I pieced together months and months and months ago.

[More] Things I've Made

2012-01-14T20:33:00.005-05:00

This was (one of) my nephew, Teddy's, Christmas presents this year.

Here they are a bit closer up:

The necktie. A must-have in every baby's closet! I wish I'd made it a bolder color. I have a red paisley fabric that would have done nicely. Ah well, you live and learn!
Far and away my favorite, the dino:
The dog. Kind of creepy with the eyes, but I literally could not find sew-on eyes any smaller. I even searched online, eBay and everything! I figured the glue-on eyes are not smart for babies, in case they fall off. You know, choking hazard and all. Oh, and I made the dog black because Teddy's real-life dog is black. :)
And the obligatory-yet-awesome monogram. I chose the colors because I thought his mom would like them. :)
Sometimes people tell me I should sell these things on Etsy. You know, I'd love to - I just worry that I would lose the enjoyment of it, if I had to make things 'to order.' When I make gifts for people I know and love, I do it on my own time and I like doing it. Not sure if I'd like doing it for strangers. That said, this is my plug/offer: if you want me to make one (or many!) for your child(ren), just ask. I would LOVE to make them for you!!

And here is the blackberry pie I made for Thanksgiving. It wasn't too exciting. I mean, it was good enough, if you like pie, but I really don't. My mother-in-law ate one piece, I assume to be polite :), and I had the rest all to myself. Which means I ate one piece on Thanksgiving day, another piece a few days later, and then guiltily threw the rest out! Sigh.

What I've learned from being off Facebook

2011-12-21T13:51:00.006-05:00

I deactivated my Facebook account on December 4. I did it largely to prove that I could... but also for a few specific reasons that I don't really want to detail about here. Anyway, I missed it a lot at first, but I don't miss it nearly as much now, and I'm both excited to return and am dreading returning. I miss catching up with people, and I miss the easy access to, well, everyone... but I dread the feeling that I need to check in regularly or I'll miss something. I dread the bazillion emails (I know I can control this, I know), and I dread the easy access to, well, everyone. Because that easy access means you can read c-r-a-p about anything and everything that might be going on in anyone and everyone's lives. Back to the post. Here's what I've learned:

*Facebook makes me crazy. I was thinking about it all the time. I was thinking, "Oh! I didn't follow up on that last comment I made on Laura's picture about her new haircut. I said something like, 'You always have a cute haircut!' and she said, 'I don't get it cut that often...' and I thought that maybe she misinterpreted my comment, which was intended to be complimentary, and instead she took it as me saying she gets her hair cut all the time..." It's foolishness. You can pretend you are above this pattern of thinking, but I don't believe you.

*Facebook is an addiction. Again, I was thinking about it all the time. Each time one of my kids said something really funny or cute, I wanted to put it on Facebook. I got to go to New York City with my mom and saw the Radio City Christmas Spectacular, and I was thinking, "Maybe I should hop back on Facebook and make my status that I'm so excited to go to Radio City!" Not only do I think it's unhealthy to constantly mentally update one's Facebook status, I also think this bit ties in well to the idea that we often post unrealistically happy, cute, funny, or exciting things on Facebook. Next point:

*Facebook posts are like a fake snapshot of our lives. Even when we post that our children are being naughty, it gets funny responses and "kids will be kids" types of comments. I so enjoyed this article, suggesting that Facebook might be making us sad (thank you, locopenelope, and please let me know if you'd like me to remove that link!). My favorite line is something like, "Overestimating other people's happiness is nothing new..." OH MY WORD. It is *so* true. We all think that everyone else is more put together than we are. They're happier, their marriage is healthier, their kids are cuter, their teeth are whiter, they do more fun activities, they take better pictures... Facebook only exacerbates the feelings of inadequacy we feel when we compare ourselves to others. I know that whole comparison bit isn't healthy in the first place, but it's worth mentioning that we do it without even thinking when we're reading others' posts. If we were privy to the *whole* truth, other people probably aren't as happy as we think; their marriages have rough patches, too; and they only post the cute pictures of their kids... not the 900 others with fingers up noses and busted lips and peanut butter-encrusted fingernails and runny noses. I have lots more to say, but I think I've made my point. It's sort of like when we clean before we have company: we provide an inaccurate (though more pleasant) picture of what our lives are really like.

*Facebook can be a cop-out. Bear with me on this one, because it takes a trip around the barn, but... here we go: I have these two friends. We three are friends. I got off Facebook, and Friend 1 noticed that Friend 2 had posted something sad on her Facebook page. She happened to mention it to me in an email in order to suggest that we all get together soon. At first I thought, "Oh, I wish I were on Facebook so that I could write an encouraging comment to Friend 2!" but instead, I called her up and invited myself over for coffee (lest you think I am completely impolite, I did bring the coffee... and hot chocolate for myself!). The take-home idea here is that being off of Facebook forced me to find different, more personal ways to connect with the people around me, and I'll bet my self-imposed coffee date was more helpful than a Facebook comment anyway. It happened again when I got an unexpected gift from a friend in the mail. Instead of leaving her a Facebook message, I texted her. It's only slightly more personal, but the immediate response and back-and-forth that followed was definitely more meaningful than a few messages over a 24 hour period.

In all honesty, I'm not sure that I've totally detoxed from Facebook yet. So why reactivate my Facebook account at all, you ask? It's a good question. I don't really know. I think if I stayed off of it for a few more weeks/months, I could choose to never return and I likely wouldn't miss it. But in spite of all that I've discovered in the past weeks, the truth remains that Facebook connects me to people I'm not connected with in any other way. Old high school buddies, former co-workers, professional contacts, church people, parents of Ben's classmates. I've enjoyed the break, and I will mostly likely change a lot of my email notifications... but I'm also glad to have the connection with the rest of the folks in my life. I hope to rejoin the Facebook community soon. But if you notice that I've disappeared again, you'll know why. And maybe you'll follow me in taking a little break. Maybe we can get together and talk, face-to-face. Maybe you'll notice that my laundry isn't folded, or that my son is occasionally kind of mouthy and it really gets under my skin. I won't like it when you see my crusty dishes in the sink or the crumbs on the floor, but maybe someday I'll see your house/life in a state of disarray, and we'll begin to understand each other a little better. Better than we ever could on Facebook.

*stepping off soapbox*

It's the most ... wonderful tiiiiiime of the year!

2011-11-19T20:14:00.002-05:00

Hey-o! Short-ish random thoughts, holiday-style!

Our Christmas cards are ordered and have arrived! (I actually did do this back in October; there was a CVS photo shop sale.) I started addressing them but had to stop myself so I'd have something fun and Christmas-y to do in later November and in December!
Our Christmas shopping is mostly done. At least, a great big chunk of it. I don't know what's gotten into us this year. We did a lot of shopping on Black Friday last year, and this year we are even ahead of that. It's fun, though; kind of frees up the season to make cookies and go to parties and whatnot.
We were invited to another Ugly Sweater Christmas party this year. You should see Josh's get-up. Actually, I'm sure there will be a photo op, and that I won't be able to stop myself from documenting his 'look.' I still have to check the Salvation Army to get my fashion on. They didn't have their ugly sweaters on display yet, last time we checked.
I am excited about a few of the gifts we've found this year. I started thinking Christmas at our local Putnam sale, which is a basically a GINORMOUS warehouse full of books for 90% off. I got books for all the little boys in my life!
Buying online is so much fun! It's fun to scout out the gift itself, search for a better deal, Google for free shipping codes, and then - the best part - you get FUN mail in a few days/weeks!
We are getting a real tree this year. I always swore I would never have a fake tree, but we did go ahead and sell out and buy one a few years back. It's the real deal this year, though, and Josh talked me into colored lights. Shudder. ;) At least I talked *him* out of the "globe" bulbs... mostly. We did get rounded lights, but they are much, much smaller. The ones I linked to are golf ball-sized. Yikes.

Birthday Shirts!

2011-10-08T22:14:00.004-04:00

I came across a website the other day called "Crap I've Made." I thought about stealing that for this blog post's title, but really, I don't think they're crap, and "Birthday Shirts!" is more fitting. Anyway....

Here is the first one I ever made, for Ben's first birthday. I got the inspiration from a blog that I was reading at the time, and the mom had made a bib for her child's first birthday with a "1" on it. I thought it came out cute!

Here's the one for Matt's first birthday. I wanted his to be a little different, not only in color, but in style. I always do the block numbers for Ben, and I wanted Matt's to feel a little more artistic.
I recently made this one for a friend's son. She said they were doing a dinosaur theme for his birthday, so I went with the reptilian green. I think they liked it.
On to the twos! Here's Ben's....
...and here's Matt's! I apparently forgot to take a picture of the shirt before he was wearing it. Oh well. :) This was the first shirt I did in a color, because the red shirt was on clearance for $2.29 or something. I wasn't happy with the red-on-red, though, so was going to put an additional outline color of blue behind the red felt. Once I attached it to the denim patch, though, I liked how it looked, kind of squarish. So I left it!
I made this birthday shirt for a friend's daughter's birthday which will be in November. I used the leftover pink fabric from a number you'll see below, and I wanted a white shirt... but they were sold out of the size that I needed. At $3.88 for the purple one, I'll take it! I love the ruffled cuffs and gathers at the shoulders you can find on girly shirts. :)
Here's Ben's three... this was a difficult one. Threes have a lot of round edges. :)
And here is my first 4! This was made for a friend's daughter this summer. The only direction I had was "pink." I was looking for a way to girl it up a little (in addition to the ruffled sleeves and gathered shoulders), so I found the flower embellishments. There were six on the card, so I put four on the number and one each on a pair of socks. Cute cute.
And that's all I have in my repertoire so far. Ben will get a blue 4 this year, and I think I'll make him a 5 the year after that and then that's it. I'm stopping at the 5s. I'm sure I'll already hear about it when I'm 50 and my kids are looking back and complaining that I dressed them in these lame shirts... we shall see. :) Oh! And Josh told me that he prefers the block styling of Ben's numbers to Matt's rounded edges and whatever... so I guess maybe I'll try a red block 3 for Matt next year.

Ten-second thoughts

2011-10-08T21:41:00.004-04:00

My brother, Scott, says I don't know what 10 seconds is, judging by the length of my Ten-second Thoughts posts. But that's okay, because his blog is called Postus Frequentus, and evidently he doesn't know what 'frequent' means. :)

Today I fell UP the outdoor wooden stairs (I know, I'm special). I was carrying Matt, so I was trying really hard not to smash down on him (or drop him!), and the result was that I crashed down onto my right knee, realized I was still pitching forward at a significant speed, so attempted to place Matt (in a sitting position) on the step above us... which required bashing my left elbow onto another step, and my right pinkie onto the step where he eventually came to rest. I am proud to say that he was completely unharmed, and even prouder to say that Ben came to check on us with great concern. As for me, my pinkie hurts. Ha.

I have a new sewing machine. It's awesome. It does fantastic things. I don't know how to do most of them, but rest assured, it's capable. It even threads itself. You know, if you know how to make it do that. Cool.

I subbed in the health office the other day. It was fun.

I want to order our Christmas cards online RIGHT NOW.

We took the boys apple picking last weekend and came home with TONS of apples. We promptly gave half to Josh's mom, and I made a double batch of applesauce, using 8 apples. We've eaten a handful of them, too. We still have half a bag left! I made another batch of applesauce today (using only 4 apples) and there are still a bunch in the bag. Whatever shall I do??

On a side note, the first batch of applesauce that I made was deemed inedible by my firstborn. I am guessing because it was brownish (cinnamon) and chunky. The recipe calls for apples, water, brown sugar, and cinnamon. The batch I made today was water and apples only, with a dash of white sugar, and it's delicious. Next time I will skip the sugar completely. Unnecessary!

One of the best fall recipes ever: Pumpkin spice muffins. 1 box spice cake mix + 1 cup applesauce + 1 can pumpkin. Mix together, scoop into muffin tins, bake at 350° for 25 min, you're done. And yep, I used a cup of that inedible applesauce and Ben ate it. :)

Tomorrow I am making Chicken Pesto Penne Casserole or something like that, a recipe that I got from Jules. The best part about it is that it makes a double recipe right from the get-go, so every time you make it, you get two. :) I would've made it today, but the chicken wasn't thawed. Sigh. It doesn't thaw itself, you know.

2011-09-16T12:15:00.002-04:00

I think the difference between grandparents and parents when it comes to kids making messes and how messes don't bother grandparents is this: when you're a grandparent, the grandkids eventually leave, and you have all the time in the world to clean up their spaghetti hands from your table or their toast crumbs from your floor. But when you are a parent, the kids never leave, and your house is only as clean as you can keep it while they are around (which is not very clean). We are desperately clinging to whatever degree of cleanliness we currently have, because we know it aint gonna get any better till someone moves out. :)

More Ten-Second Thoughts

2011-09-14T22:35:00.004-04:00

On Homemaking and Disaster Preparedness

Here's the thing. Disasters will come and disasters will go, but we never know when they are coming. If you want to be prepared, you stock your cupboards and your pantries and you keep extra supplies on hand and you shop at the first inclement weather report and blah blah blah... but if you are like me, you generally don't buy into the hype, you figure you can always make do with what's in your freezer, and there is no need to panic. It rarely lasts more than a few hours, and if you can't make it a few hours without the first-world comforts, well, then. Well.
Our area recently experienced a hurricane. The day of the hurricane, I hurriedly did my laundry and dishes, thinking that if the power went out, I didn't want to be without water. At the time, I thought to myself - if I kept up with this stuff, I wouldn't have to do it in a hurry when the weather gets really bad.
After the hurricane, we were slammed with a really nasty tropical storm. Since our rivers were already high from the hurricane, we have been completely overwhelmed with water and there is flooding (devastating flooding) everywhere. Families were evacuated to shelters throughout the area, some as a precautionary measure and some because well, the places they call home aren't even livable anymore. We had a family come and stay with us, and again I was kicking myself for not having grocery shopped or kept up with my laundry, because now I had no (decent) food to offer this family, and the sheets for their air mattress were in the dirty laundry. I also had to hurry up and do dishes so that my kitchen wasn't a wreck when they arrived, which took away from my ability to help Josh get the rooms ready.
You'd think I would have learned, but... another family was flooded and needed air mattresses and sheets to sleep on in an apartment they have been able to rent. I quickly packed ours up, but ... the pillowcases weren't clean. I had to short them a pillowcase because it was in the wash. Again, kicking myself.
Today I brought a pizza to a family who has been digging themselves out of muddy floody messes for days. I had the boys with me, so I wasn't able to help clean, but I stopped by with some drinks and pizza and cups and plates, etc. I was, once again, kicking myself for not having gone to the ATM to make sure I had a little cash on me, and ended up paying for the pizza with my debit card. Not a huge deal at all, but I prefer to pay cash, and it's just another example of me flying by the seat of my pants. All the time.

The thing is, I'm generally a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of person, and often, I like that about myself. I try not to let my feathers get too ruffled over the little things. I am the one who is always telling Josh to relax about stuff, saying "We'll figure it out, it doesn't have to be a big deal..." and I think that is true. But honestly? A little basic preparedness would have been helpful over the past week or so. I'm not one to keep my laundry folded, and I don't think it makes me a lousy person... BUT, if one's laundry is always folded, she never finds herself unable to let a needy person use her home for a day or two.

One more thought: dealing with other people's children makes you love your own even more. Other people's kids can be exhausting. My theory is, we parent out of our kids the things that annoy us most, but we aren't all bothered by the same things! Plus, it is different when you are "living" with another family vs. watching a few kids for a few hours. I love my boys, and without listing specific behaviors, I love what I can expect of them. They are such lovable kids (to me!!).

Smooooooch, Benny and Matty. Big kisses for you boys. :)

Ten Second Thoughts

2011-09-06T21:31:00.003-04:00

...in honor of my dear friend, Beth Bojarski, who has said she loves my 10 second thoughts. :)

*Matt had his two-year well child visit today. 29+ pounds, 36+ inches. (I didn't listen very well, huh?) He's in the 90s percentile-wise for height and head circumference, and only 65% for weight! Ha! I do think he has recently had a growth spurt, though: he's grown UP, but not OUT, yet. He's in the 100th percentile for cuteness.

*My mother-in-law told me the awesome gift she is giving me for my birthday: she is paying for me to take a class, any class, from the continuing education brochure at the local community college. From basketweaving to beginning conversational Polish, the options are endless. I chose Barefoot Cardio Pilates. I'll let you know... oh! And the gift includes watching my kids every Wednesday night (at least when Josh is working) from October through December. :) Isn't she the best?

*Running is in a weird spot in my life right now. I want to do it more, more, more, but I have less, less, less time (and commitment level) to do it. Each time I run, I get a little taste of actual fit-ness and I want more of that.

*I finally finished writing out my birth stories for both boys. Is there actual interest in reading those? I was considering back-posting them to the boys' birth dates, so they're here for my own reading but not on the front page, you know?

*Ben took a nap today. The only way he takes a nap anymore (and for the last several months) is to lay with me on the couch. I can tell when he is going to. He'll climb up on me and writhe around forever, and then he'll settle in and become dead weight. I can never discourage this (even when it's too late in the day to be a good idea), because who can turn down an hour+ long snuggle with their little boy? He sweats like crazy, though. Ewww.

*We had Parent Night at Ben's preschool today. It did sort of make it more real. I think I am in denial again, though... I cried about it awhile back, the whole going off to school thing, but mostly I have been excited for him, lately. He'll thrive, and so will Matt, with the 1-on-1 time at home. Anyway, I've never taken him somewhere and left him before, outside of the church nursery, so I imagine it'll all come crashing down around me at some point. Sniff, sniff. Josh totally doesn't get it. "What's there to be sad about? I think it's exciting! He gets to do new stuff." READ: He's getting more fun. Josh and babies don't really mix, I guess. ;)

*I have an appointment to get my hair done, soon. I feel like my hair is fine, forever and ever, and I don't pay it any attention for the longest time... and then, all at once, it is despicable what it looks like and its surly attitude I just cannot abide. And then I wait 3 more weeks and finally make a hair appointment. For two weeks away. *sigh*

*I have a lot of laundry to fold.

Maine

2011-08-31T21:17:00.003-04:00

Seriously. What's not to love?

Yay for the...

2011-08-10T22:22:00.000-04:00

Yay for the ... I mean, YUM for the Farmer's Market. Check out the size of that strawberry! Ben is pretty excited. :)

Beach 2 Beacon 2011

2011-08-09T21:15:00.005-04:00

OK, this is just as much for my personal memory as anything else... I know nobody reads this anymore, and most likely those of you who do subscribe to it via RSS feed or something, and you probably don't even run, BUT.

Beach 2 Beacon is pretty much the best race on the face of the Earth. No, really! I have heard about lots of different marathons that are awesome, and 10-milers, and whatnot - but I have fallen in love with this mere 10K, and I think you should love it, too.

First of all, why hello, most wonderful state in the Union! How are ya? You just can't beat Maine's rocky coast, the smell of the ocean (ahem, at high tide, that is), the fantastic views, the lighthouses, the gorgeous homes - all of it. Everything that makes Maine, Maine is in this race. I [heart] it with my whole heart.

Secondly, race director. One fantastic, awesome, inspirational Joan Benoit-Samuelson, who happens to have grown up in Cape Elizabeth, ME, and also happens to be the 1984 Olympic gold medalist in the women's marathon, which happens to be the first year women were permitted to run that distance at the Olympics. She also happens to still be able to complete a marathon in a time frame *well* below four hours, in her 50s. She's amazing.

Hmm, what's next? I honestly don't know where to begin. The amenities? The sheer number of Port-a-Potties at the start line alone was staggering... imagine the food tent! Bananas, watermelon, milk, water, Greek yogurt, cheese sticks, cookies, small candies, blueberries - blueberries!, juice boxes, the list goes on. Fantastic-o. There were free massages. A gigantic help tent, a Results board immediately following the race, an easy-to-find Information area, a Family Meeting area... the swag was incredible. Mugs, water bottles, drawstring backpacks, I can't even remember everything. Seriously, I am just scratching the surface - it was all so amazing! Oh! The t-shirt! It was a Nike Dri-Fit shirt. Yep, I'm serious. Not a diarrhea-colored overstock t-shirt with single color ink, a pretty sweet Nike running shirt. Awesome.

In the interests of containing this post's length to remain somewhat within reason, I will move on to my personal experience.

*Ahem*

I had the pleasure of riding the whole way to Maine with a great friend (and fellow Maine-iac) - it was so much fun, Kate! I was blessed to have had my packet picked up ahead of time for me, so no stress on the night of my arrival - thanks, James and Sue! I had a great, comfortable place to stay - James and Sue again! I am lucky enough to have a husband who didn't mind my taking off for the whole weekend - thanks, Josh! ...and in-laws who were willing to step in and cover the gaps for him as he slept after working a night shift or headed back into work before I got home. I had transportation to and from the race, and I even had a race-day buddy worked into the whole plan - thanks, J, and randomly - DJ! It was all so stress-free and just plain enjoyable. I had been looking forward to this weekend for MONTHS, and it did not disappoint.

We carpooled to the start of the race, hit up the Port-a-Potties, and I warmed up a little. Then it was time to elbow my way to where I wanted to be at the start line. There were little signs with pace-per-mile written on them, and runners were supposed to start somewhat near the pace they want to run. My easy goal was to run better than 10 minute miles, and to finish the 6.2 in under an hour. My high goal was to run somewhere between 8 and 9 minute miles. I squeezed into the area around the 9 minute pace sign. The race announcer was cautioning folks against going out too hard, too fast, and as no stranger to racing, I know adrenaline can really get you ahead of yourself... especially at a huge race like B2B. There were over 6,000 people running! So anyway. The starting gun (or whatever it was) went off, and it took me two minutes to get to the start line from where I was standing. Thankfully the race includes timing chips that are secured to your bib number, so even though the clock at each mile marker was off by two minutes, my personal overall time was correct. The race results show a "gun time" and a "net time," and the "net time" is the more accurate one, based on each person's timing chip. I also have a great running watch that can keep splits for me, and I was interested to see what each pace per mile was. After the third mile or so, I can't do the math in my head anymore. You're trying to remember what your time was at the last mile marker, subtracting the two minutes from the start line, blah blah. It was great to have my watch! Here were my splits:

Mile 1 - 8:05

Mile 2 - 8:12/16:17

Mile 3 - 7:50/24:08

Mile 4 - 7:59/32:07

Mile 5 - 7:43/39:51

Mile 6 - 8:26/48:17

Mile 0.2 - 1:13/49:31

My "net time" via the results page is 49:36, and I'm sure that's accurate. There were two strips of rubber finish-line things on the ground, and I stopped my watch at the first one. I'm sure the actual finish line was the second one, and there's the time discrepancy. Anyway, my pace worked out to a perfect 8-minute mile. I was really happy! After the first couple miles, I thought... I don't know how long I can keep this up. And then after the third mile, I thought - well, that was a 5K, and I still have a 5K to go! Around the fourth mile I was REALLY dragging, and I thought about how experienced marathon runners describe "hitting a wall" somewhere around mile 20, where your legs just feel like lead and you aren't sure you can go on (and ironically, they have a 10K to GO at that point...). I knew that the sixth mile was killer, very hilly, and I was *just* beginning to psych myself out when I turned the corner to THE GREATEST COMMUNITY OF SUPPORT EVER. Honestly, lots of races have community support, and many, many areas of this race have people standing in their driveways, cranking their stereos and spraying us all with their hoses... but somewhere around mile 4 is a major intersection where people just line the road on both sides. It helps that your first name is printed on your bib, just under the number. Random strangers were yelling, "Go, Beth!" - I kept looking around to see who it was, and then I thought, Duh. Ha! Anyway, at that point I kind of teared up a bit. There was a lot of adrenaline flowing, and I was just overwhelmed with how beautiful the race is, how lucky I am to be able to run, to have been able to get to the race, how lucky I am that I had a good half-dozen people working together to get me there. It was awesome.

Then the wall of people disappeared, and in its place were ...hills.

Ha! I told myself that I'd run better than I'd expected to, so far, so even if my sixth mile was 10 minutes, I'd still be happy. I started calculating in my head how fast I could finish. Fifty-two minutes? Fifty? Dare I hope? I just decided to stop THINKING so much and run. People were stopping to walk up the hills, and I was just plugging away. I probably could have run that last mile faster (in fact, judging by the kick I had at the end, I KNOW I could have), but I just enjoyed it. It was a great race, a great day, a great state, I have great friends and family... I finished feeling super happy and just lucky to be alive.

Too much?

Well it's true. I had the best time, and I didn't take one second of it for granted. I almost don't even want to do it again next year because I feel like it could never be as special. This was my third time running it (the others were in high school or college), but it was by far the most memorable and wonderful. You've got to get it on your bucket list.

Yay, Maine. :)

PS - You can see the race results here. I finished 1433rd.

Oh! And check out some of these fantastic aerial photos (hopefully you can view them). Gives you a great perspective of the race!

thought of the day

2011-07-11T20:11:00.001-04:00

I don't mind sweating, as long as I planned to.

The video store and other random thoughts

2011-03-30T22:25:00.002-04:00

When Josh and I first got married, we lived in a tiny little bum-hole (can I say that?) of a town in upstate NY. It had a ratty, overpriced, disgusting-produce sort of grocery store, a couple mom and pop restaurants, a deli counter that served as a bus station pickup, a butcher, and ...a video store. (I realize that these are pretty much a thing of the past.) Anyway, Josh is a total movie junkie, and seeing how I kind of like him and like to spend time with him, we watch[ed] a *lot* of movies. Which is okay. Choosing a movie, though? I could scream. I am telling you, we'd go into the video store (which really? was a DVD store), and I'd immediately see a movie or two I'd be interested in renting. He'd say no. And we'd keep looking. And I'd see another (or seven) I was interested in. He'd say no. And we'd keep looking. Repeat ad nauseum. Come full circle and begin again. And I am disgusted to note that we would often spend upwards of 45 minutes LOOKING FOR a movie and leave with nothing. A couple times he was working night shifts and I'd go into the same video store, literally walk in the door, pick the first movie that looked good, and walk out. The lady at the counter would chuckle every time. "Little faster on your own, eh?" Ha ha ha. When we moved down here, we did something much less annoying for me, which is that he'd go into the store to pick a movie, and I'd sit in the car and call my parents or something. Netflix helped a bit, because you can spend all the time you want picking movies for your queue, and then you just have to watch the one that arrives in your mailbox. We don't have Netflix anymore, though.
Today I asked my Facebook friends to tell me what they've been reading. The result is 24 new books on my to-read list. Almost every single recommendation I received is on that list, plus a few of my own... but my point is, I pretty much will read whatever, if it remotely interests me. Some books are REALLY good, but sometimes I just want to pick up the first book that catches my attention, bring it home, and read it. You know?
Today was the best sort of day. The kind where even though you were up in the middle of the night, you got to sleep a little bit late, and the weather was nice, and you got to get outside not once, but twice... and it involved cookies. And friends. *Satisfied sigh.*
I am all set to head off for a delicious weekend with my girl friends this weekend. We're doing the whole massages-and-pedicures-and-no-kids thing. And I get to run a 5K instead of 6 miles. On a cross country course, not my treadmill. And we are dressing up for dinner.
I can't find the iPod and it's making me crazy, especially since I am the one who had it last. And I'm usually the one who takes responsibility for noting when its battery is dead/dying and needs to be charged, so I know it's not plugged in and charging somewhere. I can't remember where I even saw it last. And every day that goes by that I can't find it, it feels more lost. It's stressful.

Happy Thoughts

2011-03-21T21:45:00.003-04:00

We have a favorite family restaurant. It's called Grande's, and they specialize in pizza... although they do serve other delightful Italian meals. Anyway, when we ask Ben where he would like to go out to eat, he almost invariably shouts, "GRANDE'S!" Which of course we expected. Anyway, it's a great place, because we always order the same size and variety of pizza (so it's quick), and Josh and I usually get the salad bar... which means the boys get bread and croutons and raw peas to munch on. Right, as if they eat the raw peas. But I still try! When the pizza comes, it's insanity for a few minutes while Josh cuts up one of the boy's slices into pieces, and I cut up the other. And then there's the horrible "Wait till it cools!" time period... tell that to an 18 month old! He will chirp "Hot, hot, hot!" over and over again, but he still jams it into his mouth like it's fresh from the fridge. Once the first slices are gobbled down, the next ones go faster because it's cooled a bit.

I was saying to Josh the other day, I don't even really like the salad, I feel like it's expensive, and all I really want is pizza anyway. But then I got to thinking about how no one else in my family really eats vegetables and if I want any kind of variety, I have to seize the opportunity and eat them while we're out... so I ate two bowls of salad this last time.

Ben polished off two slices of (gigantic, NY style) pizza, and Matt had just finished his first. Ben started to CRY because I went to serve Matt his second piece, because HE wanted to eat it. I ended up cutting it in half. What I'm saying is, Josh and I ate half a pizza, and BEN AND MATT ATE HALF A PIZZA. Seriously?

All at once I realized, there is a day coming very soon when the Kresge family will have to order more than one pizza. I don't know, not profound, but it struck me just the same. And it made me smile. And then I realized

I'm going to have to make a lot more trips to the salad bar if I don't want to go hungry.

Highlights

2011-03-18T13:11:00.004-04:00

Getting outside. It was nearly 60° outside before 9 am! I took the boys with me to run some errands and surprised them with stopping at the park. It was Matt's first time at the park since he can walk (at least since he can walk well). It was SO nice out!
The boys got to wear their fleeces!! I don't know why this is so much nicer than a puffy warm jacket, but it's easier to get it on them, it's easier to get them into their carseats, it's easier to toss it in the wash when it gets dirty... the list goes on. Including:
BEN CAN ZIP HIS OWN FLEECE. Marry that with a pair of Velcro sneakers, and boom! I'm preparing ONE child for the great outdoors. Woo hoo! Well, I take that back. I still do have to help Ben get his fleece on, but he's good from there!
It's baseball hat weather! I love Ben in a baseball hat. It's so cute! Matt has taken a liking to it, too. He put on an old Yankees hat (that was Ben's before it was his, and Abel's before it was Ben's) and insisted on leaving it on while I put him down for his nap. It came off when I laid him in the crib... he sat up, put it back on, and laid back down. Too funny!
It's SUNNY out there. SUN. S-U-N, sun! We don't get much of that around here.
It's a Daddy and Ben afternoon, which means I only have Matt at the moment, aaaaaand he's sleeping. Pass the bon-bons, please!
Josh is off all weekend and we have NOTHING to do. Yippee!

Weak Sauce

2011-02-21T22:21:00.006-05:00

I'm way behind. I know this. I am feeling completely uninspired to blog. Over at the boys' blog, I'm so far behind I don't even know where to begin, because to pick up where I left off would take too long. I'm calling it 'weak sauce' because I know, it's just excuses. So anyway, here are some thoughts about my kitchen.

I finished painting our kitchen today. Josh and I were going to do it together, and then it ended up that I did a bunch of work here and there during nighttime and naptime, and then he said, "You know what? I think I'm going to keep the boys for you and you can just keep right on painting." Ha. I loved it. I love getting a break from the boys without feeling like I'm shipping them off somewhere (they're with their dad, for Pete's sake, it's hardly out of the ordinary), and I also love to paint.

Our kitchen was pretty country. As in, beige/tan/cream walls, off-white appliances, beigey tanny countertops, oak cabinets, BRASS hardware. Gag. I guess maybe more than anything, it was really neutral - but I always felt like the brass and the oak made it country. Plus the natural wood trim. Anyway, we painted a light blue/green called Turquoise Mist and changed up those horrific brass door and drawer pulls for some brushed nickel and I love the look. Next up is to replace the gold and oak light fixture (gag again), and we'll be in business. You know, for making dinner and stuff.

I got rid of even more of my 'things,' and by things I mean stuff that sits on the counter. I found homes for some, tossed some, and well, who knows what happened to the rest but at least my counters are visible and it's a lot more pleasant in there. :) Try to ignore Josh's lunch pail and my Tupperware-type container of cookies and pretend the countertop is spotless, would you?

I've been making a bunch of pulled pork lately. There have been many opportunities to make meals for other people lately, and I am thoroughly overwhelmed at the idea of cooking for other people, so I put things in my crock pot and ignore the sense of impending doom that I feel that things won't turn out well and my meal will make me the laughingstock of the local wives' guild. Pulled pork has gone over well, and I've actually prepared food successfully for 12 people at a time. That, my friends, is veritable magic. I owe my life to my new crock pot. It's in the picture. It earns a spot on the counter because it is too big to fit in any of my cupboards.

The curtains in our kitchen are from our very first apartment up in Warrensburg, NY. I bought the fabric when one of my girlfriends was visiting (Marji? Sue?) and just went to town. I didn't have a pattern or anything, they're just simple valances. I weaved a little ribbon through the eyelet to coordinate with our old kitchen, and the other night I changed it out for a new color that coordinates with the new paint. I also soaked those bad boys in Oxi-Clean overnight because they were yellowed and gross. It worked. I also owe my life to Oxi-Clean. For real.

Here's a picture of part of the old kitchen so you can see how we went from drab to fab. Note the hardware and the paint color, friends; it's made a world of difference, no? Can't wait for a new light. :) Oh, and I oiled the cabinets - I didn't think it was noticeable, but maybe it is. This old picture looks yuck-o.

Ben took this picture

2010-12-27T23:12:00.001-05:00

with his finger over the flash. :) I love how it's all red, and how Matt is giving Ben the stink eye.

Just a reminder.

2010-12-27T23:00:00.000-05:00

The 'scoop' on Oreo bon-bons

2010-12-23T15:42:00.006-05:00

So there is this delicious confectionary item out there called an Oreo bon-bon. It involves, well, Oreos, cream cheese, and melting chocolate. And chocolate drizzle. Yum. I've made far too many of them this year, so I thought I'd give you the details of what has worked and what hasn't. I'm hoping that those of you who also create these delightful things will add your tricks of the trade!

First off, the recipe:

1 entire package Oreos, crushed

1 - 8 oz block cream cheese, softened

Combine these two ingredients in a large bowl. Then, roll them into small balls. I usually chill them at this point, and I know some folks even freeze them. It might make them easier to dip... Next, melt down some chocolate candy wafers and dip the balls into them. Place them on trays lined with waxed paper. Drizzle with a second color/flavor of candy wafer and bring them to all of your holiday parties. You will be loved.

OK, so my insider secrets:

1. Wegmans' brand Oreos work perfectly well. Wal-Mart's do not. It's weird, they're drier or something. I ended up with too much crushed Oreo for the amount of cream cheese. I tried Wal-Mart's version of Oreos again, but in the double stuff variety, thinking the extra cream would help... they are kind of extra sticky. I think that's mostly annoying and not really a big deal.

2. Any store brand of cream cheese is fine.

3. I like to crush the Oreos in the food processor. It's MUCH faster, and the crumbs are so fine.

4. It is WELL WORTH setting the cream cheese out to soften, usually even longer in advance than you may think is necessary.

5. For mixing, I finally broke down (after about the 4th batch) and mixed with my hands. It was SO much easier. I wish I'd been doing it this way all season! I have heard you can use an electric mixer, but I find it too dough-y and the beaters get packed with it. Annoying.

6. For dipping, it is by far best to dip the actual balls in some variety of (brown) chocolate. Either dark or milk is fine, but dipping them in a color looks weird. I ran out of dark chocolate the other night, so I made them half dark chocolate with red drizzle, and half red with dark chocolate drizzle. Together they looked OK, but the red ones alone? Creepy-looking. Plus when you dip them in a dark color, it's more forgiving of the areas of the 'ball' that you didn't quite cover, because it blends in. White chocolate is not recommended under any circumstance. It does not melt smoothly and it's a pain in the bum.

7. Please use the correct terminology when discussing this delightful treat. Your options are "Oreo bon-bons" and "Oreo truffles." "Oreo balls" will not be tolerated. One recalls cheese balls and tennis balls and other sweaty, salty things, and that is nothing like an Oreo bon-bon. I'm just saying.

8. I have yet to try peanut butter Oreos or mint Oreos, but I hear they are delightful. You could even coordinate the flavor with the color of the drizzle.

9. For dipping, two spoons is the best-case scenario for me. I used to use toothpicks, but then there is this great burden to pack the balls really tightly, and then the toothpick gets stuck, and then you are destroying all that goodness to get it off the toothpick. I find that what works best for me is to put the ball of crushed Oreo in the melting candy, cover it with goodness, and then scoop it out with one spoon, and then transfer it to the second spoon, and then scrape the first spoon and transfer it again.... and then let it sloooooowly slide off the spoon onto the tray. It sounds complicated, but it's the fastest way I've figured out so far.

10. Lastly, the drizzle. I put melted candy wafers into a sandwich bag, snip the corner, and drizzle slowly. Too fast and the drizzle spirals all over.... which is OK if that's what you were after, but for me it's not! Yum.

Yay for/Boo for

2010-11-06T10:33:00.002-04:00

Yay for Craigslist and the very, very nice man and his wife who just purchased our ginormous kitchen island. Yay for all of the honest, trustworthy people left in this world.

Boo for unexpected bumps in the road, like drawers that stop sliding, hours before the island they are attached to is supposed to be sold.

Yay for people who don't care about drawers that don't slide.

Boo for clogged toilets, slow tub drains, and unexpected bumps in the road like incorrectly flushed gLiners and ignorant mothers who don't read instructions fully. Boo for hours and hours of plunging and flooding. Boo for splashes of toilet water on the bathroom wall.

Yay for husbands who know how to use things like plumbing snakes and toilet augers.

Yay for husbands who still love their wives even when they're surly.

Yay for extraordinarily clean bathroom toilets, walls, floors, tubs, sinks, stepstools, and doors.

Boo for stress that prevents sleep. Boo for nights short on sleep.

Yay for grandmothers who love their grandsons and enjoy spending a few hours with them for no special reason at all.

Boo for pie plates, cake pans, vegetable steamers, slicers, graters, vases, serving plates, cookie cutters, place mats, tablecloths, and telephone books having to find a new home.

Yay for overhauling the overhauled dining room and turning it into a living room suitable for small boys to play within earshot of, well, everywhere.

Yay for an eat-in kitchen that accommodates all four members of our family instead of just three.

Boo for wasting free time blogging! Or maybe yay. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure Mama knew about days like THIS, though...

2010-11-02T20:56:00.003-04:00

If you are a blogger, you know that sometimes things in your life occur, and as you are still experiencing them, you are thinking to yourself, "I am so blogging this later." Depending on the scenario, you might even start composing in your head. Here goes...

A little background for you: Yesterday I bought a plumber's snake at Lowe's. I did this because our tub tends to drain slowly, and it doesn't respond well to Drano. At the moment, our tub is draining slowly. We have the snake, just haven't used it yet.

OK. So. Josh went in to work tonight, and it was business as usual at our house, which is to say that around 7 I fed Matt some baby yogurt and after that I put the boys into the tub. I usually get the tub ready while Matt is still in his high chair. Tonight as I was running the water and adding a few bath toys in, I had a flashback to when Ben was a baby and I dumped the entire pack of foam letters into the bathtub, and then he had diarrhea, and then I had to scrub 26 foam letters and 10 foam numbers with bleach solution. I don't know why I had that thought, I just did. So anyway.

I usually put Matt in first, wash him up, and then put Ben in, and wash him up, and then let them play a little... and then I get Matt out and ready for bed while Ben plays by himself for a bit. I can never get Ben out first, because Matt can't be trusted to be by himself in any way, anyhow, anywhere. So tonight I got Matty into the water, and then Ben, and then I was sitting on the lid of the toilet in the bathroom when Ben holds out his hand to me and says, "What is this, Mommy? Is this poop?" And I laugh to myself, given my earlier flashback, and say, "No, Ben, I'm sure that's not poop ...let me see... OHMYGOODNESSthat*is*poop!" And I think to myself, it's not really that much. Maybe Matt had a little on his bottom when I took his diaper off? And I ask Ben, "Did you go poop in the water?" And Ben says no, and then I realize that the entire bottom of the tub is full of poop, underneath all those bubbles.

So you know how sometimes what you need to do - get the kids out of the tub - is clear, but your mind kind of races? As in, OK, the water is poopy, the toys need to come out, UGH, I'm going to have to bleach all those toys, the boys need to get out, they are in poopy water, they are going to drip poopy water on the floor, I JUST CLEANED THE BATHROOM YESTERDAY, their towels are here and ready to dry them, but then the towels will be contaminated with poop water, I will need to grab fresh towels, I am going to have to drain that water and then re-bathe them, they are covered in poop water, I am going to have to wash the tub before I can put them back into it, it's all poopy........ ugh. Might as well just get after it.

So I pull the drain and get Ben out. He, at least, can be trusted to sit on the bath mat in a towel. Sort of. I leave Matt in the water while it's draining because well, he's already gross, it's not like he's going to get any grosser, and honestly? What am I going to do with a poopy child in the bathroom while I wait for the tub to drain? So I can then rinse it down, scrub it down, rinse it again, refill it, and put him back in? I considered putting him in his crib and just letting him scream while I took care of business, but you and I both know that when you have a poopy mess, the fewer number of rooms involved the better. At least that's how I roll. So as the water goes down Matt starts trying to pick up the poo, and I am so disgusted, and it is taking DAYS for that stupid tub to drain, and I decide to pull him out. I put him in a straitjacket of a towel, and hope for the best. Once the water drains I get to work, and cross my fingers that Matt won't get into too much trouble in the bathroom, or that he won't pee on the floor, or something.

Ben relieves Matt of his towel, and the boys are banging on the toilet lid together, and I am happy that they're drumming, it's keeping them busy and out of trouble. Until I realize that their 'drum stick' is actually my toilet brush, and it's wet from the last time I scrubbed the toilet. Awesome. At this point I YELL out, "COME ON!" much like one would yell at A-Rod for missing an easy ground ball to third. My hands are covered in Comet suds and I grab the stupid thing from Matt and shove it back into the holder. What IS it with babies and crawling behind toilets? I swear, I have that toilet brush jammed back so far behind the toilet it's not even visible if you don't know where to look for it.

Matt knows.

So then I think, well, I'll let them get back in and have a nice long soak, I need a break. Nope. The thought occurs to me that Matt may not have finished his, ahem, business, so I don't want them back in there together in case he has another ...accident. And I don't want to put Matt in first, for the same reason. So I am forced to speed-clean Ben while Matt is still on his own, crawling around the bathroom naked. I get Ben out of the tub, tell him in my very clearest of terms to walk himself directly to his room, retrieve a Pull-Up from his bottom drawer, and walk immediately back to the bathroom. Potty-trained or not, he can't really be trusted out in the great wide world naked. He comes back oh-so-obediently, with his Pull-Up, his towel, and his stomp rocket. He says, "I have all the things that I need!" I am speed-scrubbing Matt by this time, and I'm all, "Yeah, yeah," as I help Ben into his Pull-Up. Next thing I know Ben has stuck the hose from the stomp rocket into the toilet and is trying to shoot air into the water to create some kind of toilet geyser which I am not in any position to handle. I can't remember what I said (yelled) to him, but it had to have been really pleasant, sweet, and patient, because when I was talking to him in his room later, he said, "I don't like the way you were talking to me in the bathroom." OY.

So I got Matt to bed, got all the bath toys into the sink with some bleach and water, got Ben to bed, and.............. here I sit.

That was just a little too much *life* for one night!

Mama said there'd be days like this

2010-09-29T21:23:00.002-04:00

A college friend of mine had the title of this post as her Facebook status update this evening, and it totally applies to my day, so, I figured, what better to do than bang out a blog post, ten-second thoughts style? :)

1. Ben has reached a stage in his life (again?) that is totally stumping me. I have no idea how to get him to stop preferring me over Josh, how to get him to stop pooping his pants at naptime, how to get him to share, how to get him to stop calling people by the color of their shirt (as in, "that white girl over there," - yeah.)... it is exceedingly frustrating and emphasizes the fact that my attention is divided between two little cherubs instead of focused on just one.

1b. I also have no idea how to stop Ben from deliberately wrapping his head up in his blanket like a mummy, every nap and every night. It is occasionally terrifying to find him soaked in sweat, his head wet, his shirt wet, a large wet ring on his pillow, and him absolutely dead to the world, he is sleeping so hard. Shudder.

2. Matt is currently in that screeching stage? The one where a child just screeches? For, you know, no reason. Like, I'm done eating, I think I'll screech. Or, I am done being compliant, stop doing dishes and carry me around on your hip like it's your job. It is equally as daunting as it was when Ben did it, and you know what? Yelling STOP. IT.!!! at the top of my lungs is equally as ineffective with Matt as it was with Ben. Huh, who knew?

3. I ran into an old nursing preceptor at the library's story hour the other day, and it turns out she has two boys, too. She was always someone I admired, but never saw outside of work. And plus she was kind of supervisory. Anyway she gave me her number and said I should come over sometime. I had a similar experience on the playground, where I met and hit it off with a really sweet mom of two kids, and ended up friending her on Facebook, but it broaches the awkward topic of making friends as an adult. It's sort of like dating. You think you're hitting it off, you might give/get a phone number, you know they or you will never call, but you hope they call, they hope you call, you hope they don't call, because you were just being nice, or maybe you just want your kids to get together, or maybe you don't want your kids to get together, you just want to drink smoothies together -- it's so strange.

(I hope you all read that paragraph in Vince Vaughn voice. And if you don't know what Vince Vaughn voice is, it's because you haven't seen Wedding Crashers, and I actually respect you for that.)

4. Three or seven times today I channeled Tina Fey in the movie Date Night when she says she fantasizes being alone. I actually dreamed about going outside and pulling weeds or raking leaves. BY MYSELF. Oh, to have topped that off with a Diet Sprite...

5. I'm going to stop here. Sleep is better than ten-second thoughts. :)

You are cordially invited... :)

2010-09-14T10:25:00.004-04:00

...to come and join me (and the rest of our church) at Cole Park on Sunday for a baptism service.

Where I will be baptized.

For the first time.

It's been a long road, honestly. If you want to hear the (quite condensed) "whole" story, here goes:

My spiritual journey began in the church nursery, when I was only a few weeks old. I grew up in the church, and I've always considered myself a Christian. I don't have a climactic "conversion" point, where I left a life of obvious sin and chose to live for God. Which is probably part of why I wasn't baptized a long time ago.

As a kid, I never really questioned my faith. I knew what the right answers were, and I knew what was expected of me. I didn't really develop a strong foundation in what I believed, because it was never challenged. My friends were all "good kids." It was easy to be a good kid.

When I went away to college, though, my foundation was shaken. I met people from different churches who practiced their faith in a way much different from the way I was brought up. Some people lived a lot more freely than I did. Some people were much more conservative. I saw some new spiritual practices that I had never heard of, and at the same time, I felt the sense of shame that comes from very old-school, rules-based religion. I found myself in this spiritual storm - confused by the people around me, and honestly, kind of scared. I remember digging through my Bible, looking up answers to all these spiritual questions that were swimming around in my mind, and I got together with my pastor and his wife back home on a school break. But when I went back to college, I still felt like I was the one who was on the outside, like I was missing something. Or that I wasn't a good enough Christian to feel OK with where I was.

I think that at some point I kind of "checked out" of my spiritual life. I stopped trying to figure out what I believed, because I kept running into more and more rules, rules some people broke and some people followed. That just made me more confused and unsure. I felt like I was trying to figure out which rules were the "right" rules. I kind of think that in the back of my mind, I learned to be mistrustful of church in general, as if I were never quite safe, as if there was always going to be a new rule I didn't know about. Josh and I went to a church when we were first married that didn't allow a person to be involved in the church in any way until they had been baptized. Well, you are reading this today - obviously I hadn't been baptized! I felt badly that I hadn't, but probably worse - the experience didn't make we want to be baptized. Instead, I felt that I had to hide the fact I hadn't been. I hadn't followed the baptism "rule." And I remember feeling guilty for breaking other "rules" at different times in my life: for selling alcohol as a grocery store clerk, for going to school dances, for going to movies, for swearing.

It has taken a long time to shake the feeling of skepticism I have about church. It has been hard to find a place where I feel safe to be who Iam, and am able to trust where I am with God. I am thankful to have found North Pointe, and honestly - that is why I am being baptized now. I believe that baptism is an act of obedience, and for me, an outward demonstration of an inward transformation that took place long ago. It has taken me a long time to come to the point where I choose to be baptized because I really want to, to act out my commitment, rather than out of a sense of obligation to meet the standard of a given church or pastor. I don't have to pretend that I am perfect. And I don't have to be someone I'm not.

In the Bible, in the book of Galatians, Paul says "It is for freedom that Christ has set you free. . .you who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace." (Galatians 5:1, 4)

I don't have to worry about the law, or the rules, anymore - because Jesus went to the cross and took care of all the 'rules' for me. And because I trust him as my Savior, I have accepted the gift of his grace, that justifies me through faith in him. I am free!

So, hope to see some of you at Cole Park! 8:45 a.m.

A Year in Pictures

2010-09-01T00:01:00.000-04:00

The last pregnant picture, August 2009

Birth day! September 1, 2009
October
November
December
January 2010
January, version II ...it was hard to resist this picture!
February (thanks, Chris, for the pic!)
March
April
May
June
July

August

Reminiscing

2010-08-31T23:55:00.003-04:00

August 31, 2009. I had an appointment with the midwife at 40 weeks, 3 days pregnant. My mom had been at our house for a week at this point, because Ben had been born at 39 weeks, 3 days, and she didn't want to miss the delivery. My belly was huge, it hurt to bend over, my stretch marks hurt, I was tired... yadda yadda. The midwife asked me how I was feeling, and I basically said I was willing to be induced. We did a non-stress test, seeing how I was past my due date, and it was really neat to hear Matty's little heartbeat for several minutes. It struck me that I'd had probably a dozen non-stress tests with Ben, and yet this was my first with Matt. When the test was over, my midwife came in and said I had an appointment to be induced in the morning. Funny, I thought - just days ago my brother had called to say that he was not willing to share his birthday, so that baby better come out, already... and here it seemed that my baby would share a birthday with my brother after all. It was weird. My bag was already packed, I was "ready" for go time... but it was all so surreal. I've composed a blog post in my head a hundred times about what it's like to be induced. It's called "Babies by appointment." If I ever post it, you'll know. Anyway, it's odd to know that Baby is coming and when.

I called the following morning at 6 a.m. as directed. They were overwhelmed and I didn't have any luck getting a bed till 10 a.m. I remember I colored my mom's hair while we waited. :) I had a non-stress test at the hospital, and walked and walked and walked, had a dose of Cytotec at noon, walked some more... blah blah, Pitocin started at 4. Six hours later, Matt was born, at 10:07 p.m. And he shares Scott's birthday. Someday I'll post my labor/delivery story. I have Ben's written down too, somewhere.

Anyway, he's here now, and he's wonderful, and I love him more every day that goes by. He is sweetness, wrapped up in a little boy body, and I'd go through every second of labor for him all over again. Yay for Matthew.

Random Thoughts

2010-08-18T20:23:00.000-04:00

alternately entitled, Yes I am in denial that Matt will be one soon. :)

How is it possible that blueberries can be named one of nature's "perfect foods" when they arrive whole, with skin intact, in Matt's diaper?

One of my earliest memories is of me sitting on my parents' brown striped couch, in the living room of our mobile home, asking my mom how old I was. She said, "Three." I'm not sure if it's possible to remember things that far back, but if that's true, I better start being a better mom to Ben. Ha!

Also when I was very young: Scott told me his germs were "worser" than my germs. I'm sure I argued the point; turns out he was right.

Ben fairly recently shoved small balls of (red) Play-Doh into each ear and into each nostril. It was awesome getting it out, with tweezers, my nursing pen light, a bulb syringe, some tissues, and some wipes. Him crying actually helped.

I started reading James Dobson's Bringing Up Boys (thanks, Kate!) the other day, and the intro suggests that there really ARE differences between boys and girls from birth... beginning with the presence and amount of testosterone (duh), which actually DOES influence things like a boy's affinity for risk-taking and the like. It was like when you clean your [sun]glasses or a mirror, and suddenly you can see clearly - boys really are a different breed.

I played the clarinet from fifth grade to eleventh grade and then again for a few weeks in 2003, at the staff band concert for the school I was working at. It occurred to me today that not everyone can read music. I can. I hope our boys learn to play an instrument.

2010-08-13T22:49:00.002-04:00

I'm drowning in memories of being pregnant last summer, knowing that I was weeks away from my due date right around this time.... so excited to meet my little boy, and to have my body back a little bit. I remember my skin pulling so hard, those stretch marks stretching so tight, and just being SO READY to have him out. I was losing the "cherish these days of being pregnant" battle, big time. I knew Josh didn't want a third child and I knew I had to hold on tight to these days, because they would soon be gone. And at the same time, I would have been THRILLED if Matt had been born early!

I remember wanting a cranberry limeade from Sonic every other day. Or a cranberry slush!

We changed little Matthew's name about 3 or 4 times in these last weeks...

My mom called over and over again, wondering when Matt was going to be born (as if I could tell her), and finagling her schedule to adapt to my delivery.

I was hot (I KNOW, I KNOW, *this* summer has been way hotter, I KNOW) and sweaty and tired and heartburny and I just couldn't wait till it was "go time." I had my bag packed with everything I brought for Ben's delivery plus the few things I wished I had had when he was born. I packed myself little candy treats - a couple mint Three Musketeers, because they settled my stomach. I had brand-new lip balm that was a free gift from the woman on Etsy who made my reusable nursing pads. I had a comfy coming-home outfit. I kept wondering what it would be like to go into labor, because I'd been induced with Ben.

I remember not wanting to bend over, at all. It hurt.

There was no room on my lap for Ben. I was already deeply sad about the way my big boy had been jilted.

It was impossible to lift that heavy 1.5 year old over the side of the crib!

I would walk into Matt's room, all set up, run my hand over the diapers waiting to cover his little bum, straighten the dust ruffle on the crib set. I stared at the minute imperfections in the wall paint that we'd worked so hard to perfect.

I couldn't wait for him to come, and yet I wasn't ready for him. It is a totally different feeling with your second child. Your first is ALL excitement, all thrill and happiness. Matt was a little fear, a little dread - definitely thrilled and excited to meet him, you understand - it's just that you know what you're getting into the second time around. That whole labor and delivery thing. And bleed for weeks thing. And sore nipples and difficult latch-ons and all of that stuff. The pumping, the cleaning of the pump - oh, the constant cleaning of the pump! The midnight feeds. The early morning feeds. The constant feeds!

And that firstborn of yours who owns your heart, your whole heart? You know that soon and very soon you are going to have to tear it in half, by yourself, on purpose; you are going to take some of the love you've been giving him and you are going to give it to his brother. And you know he won't understand, and you know it will hurt - you and him.

After Matt was born, I immediately packed up my maternity things. And as soon as he was out of his newborn clothes, I packed those up, too. In a fog of sleeplessness, I quickly and intentionally gave away the things I knew I would not be able to part with, later. Man, I am thankful for that. I cried as I pulled out the newborn one-piece sleepers and tried to put them in the give away pile. I couldn't do it. I kept one or two of Ben's and one of Matt's. I seriously couldn't let go of Ben's baby days (Matt still was a tiny baby; I was more OK letting go of his stuff).

I have compartmentalized so many times this past year. I just can't take all the emotion. I feel a little cheated because I was free to feel all of these things with Ben, knowing there would be another baby, and excited to see what the next stage of his little life would bring. With Matt - I can't. I cannot allow myself to bathe in the emotion of his babyness because I know it is fleeting. (And, because one second later, I am sending someone to time-out, and Mama tears don't blend well with Mama standing firm...) I suspect in the dark recesses of my heart that Matthew, my little Matthew, will be my last 'little,' and I can't take the thought of that. It might be counter-productive to avoid drinking it all in, since I just might not get to sip at this cup again... but I can't do it. I have slyly pushed the fast-forward button for 11 months, now - get through this, get through this, don't get too attached to this - and I am both glad I've done it this way and am KICKING myself for doing it this way, because I ache to approach Matt's first birthday without having properly exhausted myself 'feeling' his first year. I ache.

My sweet little Matthew. His pearly white nubs of teeth smile up at me and I know that I love him. I fear who he will become :), but I love him. I am blessed. He is full of life, full of wonder, full of .....something! And he doesn't let me wallow for one minute.

I simply cannot allow him to turn 1. I just can't.

Supermom runs errands

2010-06-23T15:09:00.003-04:00

OK, so this is definitely one of those posts where I'm bragging that I survived, but it does make me stop and check myself and see that I CAN handle my two children in public, so I really should get out more often. Ha. Hope you get a laugh.

Matt wakes up from his nap. I immediately feed him some baby food, as I nursed him just before his nap, so he should be good for awhile, now. I put Ben on the potty just before leaving home. This was 11:30 a.m.

Two boys into carseats (that's 1)

Drive-thru at the bank. Explain to Ben what it means to wait our turn. Drive to CVS.

Two boys out of carseats (that's 2) and into a cart.

Shop for less than 5 minutes and get the appropriate "free" wipes, and Twizzlers for the upcoming road trip(s).

Two boys into carseats (that's 3)

Head one parking lot over, to Weis.

Two boys out of carseats (that's 4)

Run in for spiedies to take to our friends upstate, come out with spiedies and blueberries, since they were buy one, get one free. Take Ben to the potty while balancing Matt on knee. (Score the handicapped bathroom so there is room to stand up while Ben is actually GOING. Nice.)

Two boys back into carseats (that's 5) and groceries into the cooler in the trunk.

Drive-thru at Wendy's. Get Ben chicken nuggets. Drive to T.J. Maxx.

Two boys out of carseats (that's 6)

Into T.J. Maxx, don't bother with cart, just a quick return. In and out. Walk over to Wal-Mart (in order to avoid another carseat exchange). Run through, grab necessary items and then some, run out.

Two boys into carseats (that's 7)

Stop at DD to get Ben a treat for being an awesome kid through all of the above mayhem and madness. Buy one chocolate glazed donut and split it 25/74/1 with Ben and Matt (meaning, I ate 25% of it, Ben had 74% of it, and Matt had a tiny bite of it :).... drive home.

Two boys out of carseats (that's EIGHT)

1:30 p.m. - Into the house, unpack groceries, back to the potty, change diaper, nurse Matt, boys down for naps, BREATHE. Ahhhhh....

Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

2010-06-20T21:47:00.001-04:00

Daddy's first look at the little boy who made him a father...

And Daddy's first snuggle with the little boy who touched his heart from day one:

Happy Father's Day, Josh. We love you!

Happy Birthday!

2010-06-15T14:48:00.001-04:00

To my friend, my husband, the father to my children ...Ben's partner-in-crime... Happy Birthday!

A Lesson in Frustration

2010-06-10T20:50:00.002-04:00

I took both of my children to Wal-Mart today. This would be about the third time I've taken Ben out of our house in real underwear, with Matt out of the carrier car seat (read: in my arms), by myself. The first time I was fortunate enough to happen upon a bathroom with a seatbelted changing table IN the handicap-accessible bathroom, so I strapped Matt to it when I put Ben on the potty. The second time I was not so lucky, and held (squeezed) Matt as gently as possible between my knees while I put Ben on the potty. Today, well, today ...kind of blew. Ben refused to pee before we left home, and we agreed to use the potty when we got to the store. I actually prefer it this way, because once he has peed, I know I have a good hour or so of "dry time" before he will need to go again. To kill 15 minutes of that in the car on the way to the store is a pain, and if he goes right before we leave, he won't need to go when we get there.... blah blah. You get it, I'm SURE.

So I got to Wal-Mart and discovered that the bathrooms were under construction, and so instead of being at the front of the store where they are reasonably convenient, they were at the very back, center, of the store. And the area where one might park her cart was very small. So small, in fact, that as I was parking mine, another mom blew in, jammed her cart in the area I was headed toward, ripped her much older child out of the cart, and shoved into the bathroom. Without holding the door for me, I might add. We were both displeased to notice a rather long line. Eventually she took her turn, though, and while in the stall answered a cell phone call that was clearly her husband, and complained about standing in line for "six years" to use the bathroom because "Kelly just HAD to go" and it was all the way in the "way back, center" of the store. I shifted Matt on my hip, gripped Ben's sweaty little hand, and swallowed my self-righteous "Oh PLEASE, you think YOU have it bad!" because clearly her little girl was already potty-trained enough to say that she needed to go potty in the first place, AND she was at Wal-Mart with another adult. Come on, now, take your bon-bons and complain somewhere else.

Anyway. It was finally our turn, and I noticed with great disdain that the toilet seat (which had just been used by a middle-aged woman wearing scrubs, which hopefully would have meant she had some idea about general hygiene) was wet. All over. Not drips/drops from a violent flush, but more like it was wet and someone had already sat on its wetness. So I squatted down inside this regular-sized Cheez-It box of a bathroom stall, teetering in my sandals while I balanced Matt facing out on my knee, leaning back far enough that he couldn't touch the toilet bowl, unzipped my diaper bag one-handed, pawed around for the wipes, reprimanded Ben for touching anything and everything, finally found the wipes, wiped down the seat, and dried it with toilet paper. All the while denying the fact that the blood supply to my lower legs had been cut off and I was starting to feel lightheaded, I put Ben on the potty. He said, "No thank you. We can go later." I gritted my teeth and said, "Come on, Ben, I just went to all the trouble of cleaning the seat for you, please just TRY to go potty." Nope. Nothing. Well, maybe like two drips, but come on. Did I mention that all this time I am balancing Matt between my knees? Like, tightly enough to keep him from getting away but one degree shy of making it impossible for him to breathe? Did I say that my sweet little baby was barefoot? In the bathroom at Wal-Mart? And speaking of the bathroom floor, now would be a good time to tell you that Ben hopped off the potty and ended up standing on his shorts and underwear, which would be gross enough since his shoes were likely disgusting... but when I noted the puddle of GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT in front of the toilet, that his shorts were sitting in, I totally just compartmentalized, pulled up his shorts, and tried to collect my equilibrium to the point where I could stand up without dropping my diaper bag, purse, or child. Ben then proceeded to the back of the toilet and insisted on touching every possible surface while I tried very, very hard not to implode, all the while considering how nearly impossible it was going to be for me to lift him in any way so as to conduct a reasonably effective handwashing session.

We shopped for about 30 minutes and Matt began to melt down. Matt has never melted down in a store before. I actually said out loud, "Who would have thought it would be YOU who ended this shopping trip?" and we headed to the checkout. In poor little Matt's defense, it was his first trip with Ben next to him, in one of the side-by-side grocery cart seats, and Ben was all up in his business like, the entire time. Grabbing this from him, flaunting that in front of him, demanding this drink and that drink, wanting to hold grocery items but not letting Matt hold them... eventually the poor child just gave IN and cried out for help in the only way he knew how, which, ironically, was to ...cry.

It was excellent. Wayne's World excellent. Which is to say that it was party time. And when we all got home and went potty and took our shoes off and ate and ate and ate dinner, all was well again. But it was quite a party.

YUM.

2010-05-07T20:47:00.001-04:00

*****Updated to add the recipe!

Basil Orange Chicken

This recipe is from the May 2010 issue of Good Housekeeping, but I've simplified it a little bit.

1 navel orange
1 lemon
1/4 c. packed fresh basil leaves, chopped
1 T olive oil
salt and pepper
4 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves (you can buy "cutlets" or you can pound regular breasts thin)
1 c. couscous
sugar snap peas

Grate 1 tsp peel each from orange and lemon. Squeeze 1 T orange juice from orange. Combine in bowl with basil, 1 T olive oil, 1/4 tsp each of salt and pepper. Add chicken to mixture, turn to coat.

Preheat grill; prepare couscous; prepare pan to steam snap peas.

Add chicken to hot grill; cook 4 min each side. When you put the chicken on the second side, add the snap peas to the steamer. Fluff the couscous, spoon onto platter, top with chicken and snap peas. Grill slices of remaining lemon and orange for garnish.

Enjoy!

The fattest robin I've ever seen

2010-04-29T22:40:00.001-04:00

I apparently said something about this robin being rather fat, because Ben keeps asking, "Can we see another big, fat robin?" Ha.

2010-03-29T20:53:00.003-04:00

Today, while sitting down to some, ahem, chicken at Doug's Fish Fry in Skaneateles, I overheard bits and pieces of a conversation some men were having at a table nearby. I gathered they had been soldiers together in the Vietnam War. When the three stood up to go place their order, a younger man, probably in his forties, approached them.

"I just wanted to say thank you for your service." He stuck out his hand. "I couldn't help but overhear that you guys served together in Vietnam, and I want you to know that I appreciate what you did. I know you didn't get the warmest welcome home back then."

It absolutely touched my heart.

One of the men said that he had been surprised a couple of weeks ago to receive a call from a former military buddy, and they decided to get together. "First time we've seen each other in forty years!" he said with a laugh. The appreciative young man offered to snap a picture of them, and they happily accepted his offer.

As I wrangled Ben into the bathroom to change his diaper, I was struck by the fact that both my son and I had been born in the space of time that these men had been apart.

And that we have no idea what they've been through.

I was struck by their differences: one in a dress shirt (no tie) and khakis, one in a Syracuse windbreaker, one in an oversized hoodie. They'd served at the same time, experienced the same things, and had taken some different paths to arrive at Doug's today. But what stood out to me the most was that not one of these men seemed bitter. Thankful, not bitter. Sort of gracious. Proud. They'd been through hell, returned to a cold shoulder, and still remember their manners.

Neat.

Happy Seven Years. :)

2010-03-08T11:06:00.000-05:00

Cake courtesy of Josh's mom. Isn't she cute?

Zip it!

2010-02-17T22:45:00.005-05:00

Our church is currently doing a series called Zip It! Last week was the first of the three parts. The takeaway point was that we as a culture do a whole lot of complaining; it becomes a disease that infects every aspect of our lives. We complain about our job: the commute, the hours, the schedule, our co-workers, our bosses, the pay, the insurance. We complain about our finances: gas is too expensive, we don't make enough money to pay our bills, we want more than we can afford. We complain about our spouses and our marriages: not attentive enough, careless about cleanup, (s)he leaves socks everywhere, etc. We seem to be predisposed to complaining, and it is contagious. Surrounded by complainers, we complain more each day that goes by, and eventually we are tired, unhappy people.

Our pastor briefly mentioned the verses around Matthew 12:36 (among many others): "But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken."

Wow.

Wow.

If that doesn't shut you right up, then...

Wow.

I really need to stop talking. I already have 30 years of careless words to account for! I'm not even kidding.

In the past couple of weeks, I have heard myself saying some stupid things. The message on Sunday just kind of nailed it down for me: Probably ought to stop talking so much. I was trying to relate the sermon to Josh (it was his Sunday to work, so he missed it), and how it made me think and feel. I have so much trouble articulating it. I feel like I am someone who overthinks, most of the time, and to think that anything comes out of my mouth carelessly doesn't really jive with that. But unfortunately, I am someone who often processes things out loud, and that leads to some "shoot-from-the-hip" kind of comments that can get me into trouble.

So, with that said, I am taking a little break. I feel like this blog has become a place where I complain, or opine, and it's not really pleasant anymore. With the exception of "10 Second Thoughts," I don't even always enjoy blogging anymore, anyway. I write posts to get them out of my head, and maybe I should be keeping some of those thoughts to myself (?). The last thing the world needs is more of my opinion, honestly. I will continue to update the boys' blog, because that is always happy little posts and sweet, pleasant thoughts, but I am not planning on blogging here again anytime soon. Occasionally this blog serves as a great impetus for personal change, for me, and I do think that good comes out of it, in the sense that I get a chance to process things "out loud" with the ability to edit... but for now, it's time to take a step back and, ahem, Zip It. At least for now.

See you at Ben and Matt's place.

Snob!

2010-01-31T23:15:00.000-05:00

I am a sneaker snob. This (pictured below) is my favorite running shoe ever. It is worth the money, and I won't run in anything else.

I am a water snob. This, I feel, is the best-tasting water on Earth. (Aside from water right out of the tap, in Maine.)

I am a grammar snob. I hate seeing things misspelled (i.e., "Congradulations"), I hate forgotten commas, I hate unnecessary apostrophes ("Banana's, 49 cents/pound"), and I hate the improper use of their/they're/there, and your/you're, and it's/its. As in "Its your birthday your finally 30 congradulation's to you." That sentence right there makes me tremble.

But one thing I try very hard not to be is a parenting snob.

And by that, I mean, I get it that what works for me might not work for you. Just because your child responded to a certain variety of parenting tactics doesn't mean that mine will, and vice-versa. I have a blog post brewing in my mind about all of the baby care books that I've read, and aside from the fact that there are already far too many unfinished blogs in the queue, I hesitate to compose it for another reason: I don't want to say, in essence, "This is what works." Because you know what? What works for me doesn't work for everyone. What my children respond to may not 'speak' to your kids. And honestly, any mom of more than one child will be the first to tell you: what works for one kid even within the same family doesn't necessarily work for the next.

With all of that said, I understand that it is very hard to not judge everyone else's kid by your kid's standard. I personally think that Ben is a pretty well-behaved kid. But I tell you the truth, he will not eat a visible vegetable to save his own little life. I am sure there are parents out there who think that makes him a brat. Or worse, they think, "Just make him. Make him eat vegetables. If he doesn't eat vegetables, he doesn't eat." Or some sort of nonsense like that. Or folks who would blame the way that I present dinner. Or people who think I am perpetuating the problem by something that I'm doing. I don't know, I have no idea. I don't know why he eats or doesn't eat ANYthing, really, and I just count my blessings that he eats a lot of the things he does like. And I try to encourage variety and veggie. I just think, sadly, that what or how kids eat is a very, very common area of parent judgment.

Another example of great parent-to-parent judgment: sleep. Ben has been a great sleeper for most of his life. He started sleeping through around 7 or 8 weeks, and has consistently slept around 12 hours per night since then... with the minor hiccup of two weeks of night terrors at the ripe old age of 9 months. Recently, however, he has started waking up in the night and crying out for me. I have no explanation for this; the doctor says it's likely some sort of anxiety stemming from the recent addition of another baby to our family, and I don't know if I believe him or not. I don't know what I think. I do know that either Josh or I go in every single time, and settle him down. I'm sure there are parents who think we should 'tough love' it out of him, there are parents who think we've created this scenario by continuing to respond to it, and probably there are parents who think we should scoop him up and plunk him into bed with us, for best psychological development. I personally believe that the way we are handling it is the best way to handle it. For us. And for Ben.

Some people swear by "Cry it out." I, [very] generally speaking, am one of those parents. But it doesn't apply to every kid, and it doesn't apply to every circumstance. See above paragraph about Ben's recent sleep habits.

Some people swear by time-out. Or spanking. Or yelling. Or ignoring. Or leading by example. Again, all of these tactics are guaranteed to work. On some kid, somewhere, who may or may not live under your roof.

Some people swear. And then so do their kids.

I'm just saying, on that last one.

The point is, it occurred to me recently that having kids changes things (duh). I mean, yes, it changes things - it changes your own family dynamic, it changes your relationship with your spouse, it changes your work habits and lifestyle and vacation aspirations and financial situations and what sort of things you deem "fun" and what sort of things you deem "worth it" and I could go on and on and on. The thing that it changed that I didn't expect was my relationships with other people, both those who have kids and who don't. I have been surprised by the opinions of some of my friends, the way they choose to raise their children and/or the way they opine about how I'm raising mine. I, generally speaking, like the way I raise my kids, so it fits to assume that I think the way I do things is the best way. Otherwise I'd pick a different way.

I'd venture to say, though, that while I could be right in assuming "my way" is the "best way," I have to add the important caveat "...for my kids." No TV before age 2. No full-strength juice. Breastmilk only for six months. No cookies or cake till that big first birthday. Blah, blah, blah. Give your kid time-outs when they say no and run away. Ignore temper tantrums. Don't force eating or ...ahem, elimination. Blah, blah, blah. MOMMY decides when naptime is. MOMMY decides when bathtime is. MOMMY determines whether or not we will brush our teeth this very second. Blah, blah, blah. These things seem to work for my family, but they might not for yours.

This morning in church a man (sort of) corrected Ben. Ben was playing with an older child in an area that this man did not allow his children to play in. The man told the older child (who was, at that time, watching my son), "I don't let my children play over here."

And I thought.... huh?

OK, so you don't think my kid should? Or wait, you're concerned for his safety, I get it. No? You..... don't want your children to see other kids doing things they're not allowed to do? I'm confused. The part that probably bothered me the most was that this man put another (young) person in a difficult position, by implying that Ben shouldn't be allowed to do what Ben was doing. And it's not that young person's responsibility to correct or redirect my kid! But I digress a bit - my real frustration was with the idea that because he chose one way to deal with a scenario, he thought I should deal with it that way, too. And that's just not reasonable.

Snob.

Cloth Diaper 911

2010-01-31T08:42:00.000-05:00

I know you've all been dying for a cloth diaper update. I am happy to oblige.

Things are not going well. I repeat: not going well. I have a stash of leaky, repellent diapers, a stack of urine-soaked baby clothing, a husband who doesn't really support the whole idea anyway ("All the guys at work think cloth diapers are gross." Huh?), and a bad attitude to add to the whole deal. I am tired, tired, tired of changing entire outfits with each diaper change, I am sick of troubleshooting (extra hot wash? extra cold rinse? less detergent? different detergent? bleach? no bleach? strip them again? chemically strip them this time? change baby more frequently? buy more diapers?), I am weary of keeping on with the keeping on, and I am ready to hang it up.

Gasp.

Did I just say that?

It kills me, literally kills me to type this: I. am. giving. up.

It irks me to no end that I haven't been able to make it work. I am frustrated beyond belief. I hear myself saying, "Yeah, I tried cloth diapering and it didn't work for me," and I roll my eyes. At myself. I don't want to give up. I'm annoyed by it all and angry at the same time. I gave it the old college try, yes, but those of you who know me know that I don't just give things a try. I pretend I'm giving things a try, with all intentions of actually being successful. It's a flaw, I know. I can't really dabble. I have to complete. It's part of why I returned to college less than one year after I graduated. (That is certainly a topic for another post.)

But I'm done.

I emailed all my gurus, I contacted the diaper store, I searched online... I'm done. I have come to the conclusion that my issue is our water, rather than detergent. I believe it's the water because stripping the diapers hasn't made any difference - and because I believe the issue is our water (we have a great deal of sediment), I realize that I have no control over it. We already have a whole-house water filter. There is nothing more I can do.

Sigh.

You know, I might just soldier on if it were not for one thing: the peace that I have enjoyed since hanging it up. Josh and I went out and bought a few packs of different brands of disposables, and I have enjoyed putting them on my son. I have enjoyed the dry outfits. I have enjoyed Josh's assistance in the diaper department (he didn't change the cloth ones much). I have enjoyed the shrinkage of Matty's little rear end; clothes that were in the "don't fit anymore" pile are actually back in the drawer. I actually recognize that I was kind of resentful about the whole leaking diaper thing, and I felt like I HAD to make it work, or not complain about what a pain in the you-know-what it was, because I didn't want to hear I told you so! from anyone. I comfort myself with the knowledge that I saved our landfills from the months of diapering that create the most waste anyway - those first few months - and I believe we came close to breaking even on the cost of the cloth diapers. I'm hoping to sell them on Craigslist for about half of what I paid, and just cut my losses for the rest.

And that, my dear readers, was my last cloth diaper post. Ever.

Sniff.

Quiet down, cobwebs

2010-01-30T00:24:00.005-05:00

*There are seven blog posts sitting in my list of posts in draft form. At least seven, that is. There may be more on the second page. At least one of them is about how I am ridiculously anal and/or OCD about lots of stupid things. Which explains why I can't seem to perfect that post to such a degree that it's worth posting.

*I have, more than once in the past month or so, stayed up way past my bedtime for no good reason. Tonight, however, I spent almost two hours in my kitchen, cleaning and scrubbing. You know that little jingle, "Cleaning and scrubbing can wait 'til tomorrow, for babies don't keep, I've learned to my sorrow ... so quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep"? (No? Never heard it? It was printed on my mom's favorite tea mug growing up, and I read it over thousands of times... it will be in my brain forever. But I digress.) That only goes so far. I do love rocking my baby, and hugging my big boy, but I also do love my kitchen to be neat and orderly. The state of my kitchen is a strong indicator of my mood. Just ask Josh.

*I bought a squeegee for $1.99 at TJ Maxx the other night on one of my mom getaway nights. I love, love, love it. I absolutely detest cleaning windows, but using a squeegee is fun! Especially since it actually works. I can't wait to try it out on the inside of my windshield. *Shudder.*

*Speaking of mom getaways, Josh totally recognizes that I am rather prone to going out of my mind, and very, very regularly gives me carte blanche to get the heck out of Dodge and do whatever I see fit. I often end up at TJ Maxx or Target. I generally don't spend much money, but I always come home sort of inspired. Like when I bought that squeegee. :)

*I am losing my hair like it's my job. I am actually losing my hair to a frightening degree. I lost an unbelievable amount of hair after Ben was born, and I feel like it is worse this time around. I actually feel a little bit sick about it when I comb my hair after my shower. I looked at a picture of myself with Ben the other day when he was 9 months old, and I had about 1-inch spikes of hair sticking up all along my part. I am guessing that's a few months' worth of growth? Which means I have a few more months of hair loss ahead of me. I'm starting to sweat just thinking about it. Or maybe that's the pellet stove.

*I got an e-mail from Beech-Nut today informing me that my child is 5 months old, and that it would be a good time to introduce the cup. Wait, what? My child is ...what? Five months? Holy crap, where did the time go? And yeah, no. We're nowhere near introducing the cup. The child hasn't even had rice cereal yet. I could go into more detail about that, but I cover it in one of my draft posts. You'll have to cross your fingers that I publish that one soon.

What I've been up to...

2010-01-16T10:33:00.002-05:00

Once in awhile, I get the urge to do some sort of home improvement project. I like to pick things that I can do on my own, so I don't have to ask for any help at any point - meaning, I can work at my own pace and get things done as I have the time. I never have to wait for anyone else's expertise, and I don't have to consider someone else's opinion, either!

The cabinets in my laundry area (yes, it is mine; Josh doesn't venture there ever except to add recyclable stuff to the pile nearby) are, I am guessing, the old cabinets from our kitchen before the previous owner remodeled. Have you ever seen uglier hardware in your life?

I started out by removing the hardware, thinking maybe I'd add some simple knobs or leave it off completely. Huge improvement, no?
But then I got the idea to paint. This cabinet is over the dryer, and it (obviously) holds my detergents and the like. I took the door off already, but you can imagine how gorgeous it was.
Here is the first (or second?) coat of paint. And do you love how my drop cloth is two old pillow cases? You can't tell how nasty they are from the picture because the yellowed part is covered by the cabinet door.
And three coats of paint later, here is my "new" cabinet! I think it looks great, though quite out of place in the unfinished area where it hangs.
Now if I could just muster up the energy to do the rest...

Deceptively Delicious

2010-01-14T21:49:00.000-05:00

So the other night I went to T.J. Maxx. While I was standing in line, I saw several copies of Deceptively Delicious near the checkout. I'd heard about this book before, while Jerry Seinfeld (the author's husband) was talking to Jay Leno about it on The Tonight Show. (Or was it The Late Show with David Letterman? I can't remember.) At any rate, it's all about sneaking vegetables into your kids' foods. Even brownies! At the time, I remember thinking I should buy it and sneak vegetables into my husband's food. Ha ha.

Fast forward to Ben's well child checkup last Friday. The pediatrician asked me how Ben eats. "Well," I said with a smirk, "He doesn't eat any vegetables."

"Not any?" the doctor said. "None?"

"None. He will occasionally try corn on the cob."

"Not even sweet potatoes?"

No, Doc, no means no. :) Anyway, he gave us the suggestion of bathing our vegetables in melted cheese, which to me at least partially negates their nutritional value, but which I would be totally willing to do if I thought for one second that it would work! Ben is a typical picky toddler - if it doesn't look like he wants it to look, you can forget it. He used to eat lots and lots of things, and I blame my being pregnant with Matt, at a very pivotal point in Ben's taste development, for his 180. I was tired and nauseated; Ben wanted Spaghetti-Os; I was happy to oblige so long as he would eat and give me a little peace to go hang my head over the toilet bowl. Ha. Anyway, I don't work myself up too much over it because there are picky toddlers everywhere, and at least some of those moms did everything right. And their kids still won't eat broccoli. So I'm just going to chill about it. And stir sweet potato purée into his Spaghetti-Os.

Anyway, back to T.J. Maxx. I turned the book over and saw that its retail price was $24.95. T.J. Maxx was selling it for $6.95, which is cheaper than I saw it priced on Amazon, not including shipping. So I decided to pick it up.

When I got home, I looked through the whole thing. The introduction, the doctor's commentary, the nutritionist's two cents... the whole thing. I paged through the recipes and started to get excited about the handful of of things Ben might eat. Mrs. Seinfeld said something like, "Plan on spending about an hour a week...", so I did. I went to the grocery store and bought a butternut squash, two sweet potatoes, a red bell pepper, a bag of baby carrots, and a head of cauliflower. I borrowed my mother-in-law's food processor and her steaming basket and I planned on spending about an hour. Handily, the book includes instructions for how to steam or roast each vegetable, so I got right to work. Here is a list of what I did, and a rough estimate of the time involved:

I roasted:

1 squash (45 min)

2 gigantic sweet potatoes (75 min)

I steamed:

1 entire head of cauliflower (5 rounds at 10 min each)

1 red bell pepper (2 rounds at 10 min each)

1/2 bag baby carrots (2 rounds at 12 min each)

I then pureéd all of it, which took probably 2 minutes per batch. I measured out about 1/4 cup servings and put it into plops on trays lined with wax paper, stuck it in the freezer, and waited. The following morning, I peeled it off the wax paper and bagged it up. (Of course you can do this with ice cube trays... if you own any. We have an automatic ice maker [which, ironically, doesn't work], so we don't have any trays. But plops are fine.)

So far I have made Ben sweet potato pancakes, which he devoured, stirred sweet potatoes into his Spaghetti-Os (which he didn't even notice, and that is the point), made mac and cheese with cauliflower and squash, which he ate but didn't LOVE (see pic below!), made a grilled cheese and squash purée sandwich, and stirred a 1/4 cup of carrot purée into a store-bought muffin mix (see pic below). As annoyed as I was about the FIVE HOURS I spent in the kitchen prepping all those purées, and as much as Josh complained about the smell of steaming cauliflower, it is insanely easy to sneak vegetables into just about everything. Mealtimes are less frustrating for me, because I don't have to stress about Ben. I know he is getting veggies in there somewhere, so I don't have to try to force anything anymore! Even the Spaghetti-Os... Spaghetti-Os with sweet potatoes stirred into them are still Spaghetti-Os to Ben, but to me they are suddenly nutritionally valuable.

I found a Cuisinart Handy Prep 3-cup food processor for a steal at Sears ($39.99), and as soon as I find one, I'll add a steaming basket to my kitchen collection, too. I bought a box grater at Wal-Mart. I am feeling so domestic. And the best part? Even if this totally flops, I have a few bags of puréed veggies which I can feed to Matt in a few months. And a really fun food processor. :)

Enjoy the pics!

These muffins are from a mix, with carrot purée stirred in.

This mac and cheese has both cauliflower and squash in it - and Ben ate it up!

Little loves.

2010-01-09T20:43:00.002-05:00

You know how sometimes you have those days/weeks/let's face it, months where life is just so mundane you think you could actually do an entire day in your sleep? Except that you'd rather just sleep? This has been my life for the past little while, and well - it can be depressing. Not in an "Oh my goodness, my life is meaningless" way, but in an "I can't remember the last time I shaved my legs, or brushed my teeth before noon... and nobody cares" kind of way. Such is the life of a stay-at-home mom.

Let's take a moment for honesty... being a stay-at-home mom is not my idea of fun. I don't LOVE being at home, I don't revel in every single breath my children take, I get sick of changing diapers, and sometimes I just want 'the girls' to be my own - not someone else's food source. That said, I absolutely DO treasure both of my boys, and I know they are ginormous blessings. They have certainly changed my life, and in a way that makes me wonder why it was even worth living before. But as a wise mom friend of mine (that's you, Jules) pointed out once - it's not like we spent our childhoods dreaming of growing up and staying at home. We dreamed of having kids, yes - but we grew up in a generation of children that sought out careers and busted our you-know-whats to get degrees. Our moms were likely more content at home than we are. We were bred to be go-getters, to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with anyone who dared, and to carry our own weight.

Staying at home does not do this achievement-driven generation justice in the pat-on-the-back department.

It's not that staying home is easy, and for sure it isn't meaningless. I have seen firsthand the difference between a kindergartener whose mother stayed home with him and a kindergartener whose closest thing to Mom being at home was HeadStart. The chasm is nearly impossible to close in a single year of school. Right now as I sit at my computer, my two year-old knows more letters and numbers (and can recognize his own name in print) than many of the kids I worked with in that kindergarten center. I am proud of Ben, and I am thankful that he has the blessing of a parent who can stay home with him, because I know he benefits from it. Generally speaking, that doesn't do much for me, though. I know I have grown up in a selfish generation; we are the me-first culture, and I don't necessarily like that about myself. But, at least in a shallow sense, it is what it is, and I struggle with finding peace while staying at home.

All of that said, I have fallen in love with my boys this week. Josh and I have talked about lots of New Year's resolution-type subjects lately, and the concept of finding happiness right where you're at. In a world that is always climbing, climbing, climbing, it is nice to rest upon whatever rung of the ladder you currently sit. The ebb and flow of life brings days upon days of frustration, but every so often there is a stillness to life that allows you to breathe ... if you quiet yourself to feel it. I have soaked in that cool watery reality this week, and it has been wonderful. Matt has fallen into a good napping routine, and it has freed me up to spend some time with Ben without trying to get other things done at the same moment. Knowing that Matt will take another nap later allows me to savor a few minutes with my firstborn because I can always hit up the dishes the next time Matt sleeps. And if Ben and Matt's naps don't happen to overlap on a given day, I can cherish a few minutes with Matt minus big brother's energetic mountain climbing skills.

For just a second there I started to imagine what life will be like two years from now, when Matt is the mountain climber and Ben is but four -- shudder. Back to the cool watery feeling, ohmmmmm... ohmmmmm.... phew. OK, we're back.

The pictures I chose for this post are silly. I intended for them to be, because the moments they capture are the ones that touch my heart and bring a small smile to my face. These boys are the apples of my eyes (good thing I have two eyes!), and I really, really wouldn't change a thing about my life right now.

A little genealogy for you

2009-12-28T22:27:00.000-05:00

It began here, with my Gram. She and my grandfather had two boys. My dad is on the left, and my uncle is on the right.

My mom and dad also had two children. My brother, that tall stud, and me, in the purple-that-seemed-like-a-good-idea-in-the-morning-before-I-knew-there-was-going-to-be-a-photo-shoot shirt. (That's my mom next to me in the green, in case you're not very good at figuring things out.)
My brother married a wonderful woman, and they've been blessed with a pretty awesome son.
I, too, married someone wonderful, and we've been doubly blessed: two boys. It came full circle, huh?
Mom and Dad with their grandsons, on the night before their 35th wedding anniversary:
I love my family!

My Benny is two!

2009-12-27T23:21:00.000-05:00

Love him!

My Little Man, 2

2009-12-20T20:46:00.000-05:00

As in, my little man is turning two, and as in, My Little Man II - this is the second post with that title. (You can read the first one here.) And, in another similarity - I'm looking forward to posting a Happy Birthday picture on his special day, so I'm doing my 'soggy' posting now. :)

Ben's second year has been an absolute whirlwind. Shortly after I wrote My Little Man, the first, I found out I was pregnant with My Second Little Man. :) The next few months were admittedly a blur. Nausea and extreme fatigue make for excellent memory loss (and that's probably a good thing).

Some things have changed significantly: as of Ben's first birthday, he wasn't walking. Now he walks, runs, climbs, jumps, dances... you get the idea. He wasn't talking, either. MAYbe a Da-da or Ma-ma here and there, but now I get things like, "Mommy, need two moneys." Or, when asked what he wants for lunch, "Try something different, please." And he has grown by leaps and bounds! I mourn this past year not because I want to go back, but because it flew by. When I look back, I didn't treasure every second like I wish I could have.

I love that boy so much it hurts.

Ben cried when I put him to bed tonight. I don't know why. He just didn't want me to go, and he made that perfectly clear. I said, "Tell me what you want, Ben. Stop crying so you can tell me what you want." And he said through shuddery sobs, "Want Mommy pick you up, Mommy. Want Mommy pick you up!" It broke my heart. And so did the gigantic (crocodile) tears. He is so tender.

We have a bond, my little Ben and me. We've spent a lot of time together. And because I interact with him constantly, I can understand his little Ben-isms better than probably anyone else. It's no secret that he prefers me to pretty much everyone else, and although that sometimes hurts feelings, you can understand why when you think about how our lives are intertwined. When he was born, my life changed. It probably changed before that, actually. But he entered the world a needy little person, and I was the one appointed to take care of him. We struggled. I cried. We struggled some more. I cried some more. But we battled, fought hard, and developed a great nursing relationship, and a strong bond. I love him more than I could type.

Happy Birthday, my precious, wonderful, blessed, firstborn son. You have my heart forever!

You know what it's called.

2009-12-18T14:28:00.008-05:00

Why do large men wear shirts that say BIG DOG on them? We know. There's no need to write it on your shirt.

I went to buy paper for the printer at Staples yesterday. Why is recycled paper more expensive than the regular kind?

Maybe one of the most important parts of parenting is making sure your children respect you. Before they're bigger than you.

So much of life is only noticeable if you DON'T do it. Think about it: Showering. Doing dishes/laundry. Sending Christmas cards. Pooping. The list goes on...

Oreo bon-bons are even more delicious when you are not allowed to eat them. It's a proven fact.

I graduated from nursing school nearly exactly four years ago, but it wasn't until nearly exactly two years ago (when Ben was born) that I really started talking about poop in everyday conversation.

The following things were found on my doorstep throughout the day today: A ginormous box of Omaha Steaks, the best Christmas present ever, from my aunt and uncle in Arkansas; an English Standard Version of the New Testament from the local Baptist church, with an invite to their Christmas services; the bill from Suburban Propane from our recent propane fillup; and a box of presents for my sons from the same aunt and uncle. What's weird about this? Four strangers were AT MY FRONT DOOR, and I never knew they were there (with the exception of the UPS guy, who I greeted and smiled at because I heard his truck coming, and because he always brings me fun things).

Do 0-6 month socks really need that non-slip tread on the bottom? Really?

OK, just to be clear...

2009-12-04T14:07:00.002-05:00

This picture does not equal

this picture.

Not even if you take small bites, eat it on a plate, and chew slowly, like the box suggests. I'm just saying.

A belated Thanksgiving post

2009-11-30T16:39:00.004-05:00

The following things make me feel 1. happy or 2. human: a full night's sleep, a clean kitchen, a shiny bathroom, dinner in the crock pot, a good run, a long shower, completing a project, a visit from an old friend, a compliant toddler, a happy baby, a healthy family.

To say that I am lucky to have experienced all three within the past 30 days is an understatement. I am more than lucky; I am blessed.

And thankful.

And let's not forget the man/dad/husband who makes it all possible. :)

Sigh. Contented sigh.

Cloth diaper 411

2009-11-22T22:38:00.006-05:00

Here is my cloth diapering routine:

1. Select cloth wipe from container. Spray with wipes solution.

2. Remove old diaper from baby. Immediately place velcro closure strip onto laundry tab. (It is well worth taking the extra couple seconds to do this with care. Otherwise, your velcro tabs will do one of two very annoying things: attach themselves to anything and everything in your wet bag, or curl up, which can make them very scratchy.)

3. Wipe baby's bum clean; leave dirty cloth wipe in diaper. Put dirty diaper aside.

4. Re-diaper baby with clean diaper.

5. Remove diaper liner from dirty diaper, unsnap the fold-down snap on the liner, and toss the whole business into the wet bag.

Here is my cloth diaper laundering routine:

1. Collect diapers in wet bag for two days.

2. Dump entire bag, including bag, into washer. Turn bag inside out as you empty it.

3. Run diapers through a cold rinse.

4. Add a very, very, very small amount of recommended detergent. For me, this is Tide Original powder, and the amount is barely two tablespoons. Run diapers through hot wash and rinse.

5. Run additional cold rinse. This was a great tip (from Laurel!) that helps to get any detergent residue off the diapers... which means they are less likely to repel.

6. Place all diapers, liners, wipes, and bag into dryer on low heat, on the 'towels' cycle. No fabric softener! I recommend dryer balls.

7. When cycle is complete, remove diapers and wet bag, but leave cloth wipes and liners in dryer. (The liners take a long time to dry.) Finish drying diaper liners and cloth wipes on hot.

8. When dry, it's time to assemble those bad boys. Because Matt is on the second snap of the diapers themselves, I go through and snap every liner on the second snap (the middle liner in the picture below). "Stuff" each diaper with one liner, but the green diapers (I have three of those) get two liners. These will be overnight diapers, and they keep Matt extra dry! This way, I don't have to change his diaper in the middle of the night if I am up feeding at 3 a.m. And it is easy for me to distinguish which diapers are set up to be the overnight ones, because I only double-stuff my green ones.

9. Put 'em away!

Notes:

*The Happy Heinys diaper I have is worthless. It has leaked every single time I have used it, save one. I thought I might be applying it incorrectly; it has four rows of snaps instead of three like the bumGenius diapers that I have. I tried different snap settings. I tried really strapping it on Matt tightly. I tried stripping the diapers. I tried doubling up on the liners. Leaked every time. Josh says I should throw it away. (He never liked that one anyway, the cheetah print and all.) I only keep it for back-up.

*I far and away prefer the bumGenius diapers to the Fuzzi Bunz. I prefer the velcro tabs to the snaps, I prefer the fit (Matt is right in between two of the snap stages on the Fuzzi Bunz; one is too small and the bigger setting leaks), and I think they are most similar to disposables. I find bumGenius diapers easier to stuff, too.

*You don't have to unsnap the diaper itself when you wash it. I did this for the first few washings and it is really annoying to re-snap each and every one when you are assembling them. You can leave it snapped up, like the two green diapers in the picture below. I do, however, always unsnap the liner. It collects all the smelly stuff, so I want to be sure it can get really clean. And the liner would probably take even longer to dry if it were snapped.

*Speaking of taking forever to dry, the two all-in-one diapers that I had for Matt (which were Thirsties brand), while providing a superior fit for a tiny new baby bum... took FOREVER to dry. Longer, even, than the liners from the pocket diapers. Very annoying. I don't see much point to all-in-ones since pockets are so very easy, are size-adjustable, and dry so much faster.

*There is no magical perfect detergent for everyone. Detergent selection is VERY important, to avoid your diapers building up detergent residue, which makes them repel fluid... i.e., leak urine. A detergent which works for most people may not work for everyone. It depends on your water (hard vs. soft, minerals, etc.). I had a very, very frustrating first few weeks of cloth diapering (Josh actually asked me, "When are you going to give this up?" to which I replied, "Never!") because my diapers kept leaking. Whole outfit changes with each diaper change... not fun. And who needs more laundry?!

*The differences between cloth diapering and disposable diapering, for me, are as follows:

1. You have to 'handle' a dirty cloth diaper more than a dirty disposable one.

2. You have to do a lot more laundry. If you have a well with a slow refresh rate (like we do), this might mean a little extra planning when it comes time to wash diapers.

3. Cloth diapering is cheaper!

4. Since I've started using cloth wipes, I can diaper Matt forever and ever with absolutely no waste. I think that is so cool!

*I purchased a set of 20 cloth wipes from a seller on Etsy. I also have about 10 other wipes, handmade by a cloth diapering friend, Kara. This is more than enough to get through my two days between washes. To me, it was worth the price of the wipes I bought (even though I could totally have made some myself), because they are really, really cute... and are my favorite part of changing a diaper. :)

*I have decided not to cloth diaper Ben at all. I had planned on putting both boys in cloth once Matt came, since I would be able to wash diapers more frequently. The truth of the matter is, toddler urine and stool is exponentially smellier than baby pee and poo, and the stench is overwhelming from the hallway outside the room where your diapers are! I reserve the right to switch Matt to disposables when his waste begins to smell so powerfully strong that I can smell it when I walk in the door to our house. I will still have saved our landfills from hundreds of diapers and saved our family hundreds of dollars.

....and that's that! I think this was my last cloth diapering post. If any of you cloth diapering hopefuls have questions about anything I've written, or just in general, comment me or find me on Facebook. If I can't answer your question myself, I've got a few gurus whose expertise has come in handy for my own troubleshooting!

Not Me! Monday

2009-11-16T07:25:00.007-05:00

If you haven't heard of MckMama, you probably haven't been reading my blog for long. Ha ha. Her son Stellan's button is in my sidebar, and this post idea is hers. I haven't attempted it before, but it's a great way to get the blog juices flowing when you're stumped. So here goes!

Because I am the sort of mom who never cuts corners, it is highly unlikely that I would ever pull dirty clothing out of the hamper and wear it, even running. Not me! I've never done anything like that.

Nor have I ever, ever hit a drive-thru and fed my child while in the car, knowing that he is just distracted enough to actually eat. Nope, not me!

I am not even a little bit obsessive about white socks. I have never scrubbed the dirty ones with Oxi-Clean, not even once. I don't bother to remove my socks if I'm not wearing slippers in order to keep my socks clean. That's just not my style. I surely have more important things to worry about.

And while we're denying obsessive compulsive behaviors, wiping the bathroom faucet is not part of my every-single-visit-to-the-bathroom ritual. I admit that I love for it to be clean, but wiping it every time? Over the top. I would never do that, not me! Pure craziness.

Want an opportunity to 'come clean?' Leave your "Not mes!" in the comments!

Bathtime bits

2009-11-14T19:18:00.004-05:00

*Every time I give one of the boys a bath, and am lotioning them up afterward, I think about how one pump of lotion can either do Ben's arms, or Ben's legs, or Ben's front, or Ben's back... OR, Matt's entire body. :)

*It is difficult to comprehend just how much lint a tight-fisted baby can harbor in his hands (or between his toes, for that matter).

*What prompts me to bathe Matt is his hair getting greasy enough that it lays flat instead of being fluffy and cute. So he gets a bath 2-3 times per week. Ben got a bath EVERY day when he was Matt's age. In retrospect, I think it was just something to DO with the little guy.

*Bathtime is one of my favorite times with a tiny baby. I get to inspect (and scrub) each little roll of chub, and the little guy comes out smelling so good! Both Ben and Matt enjoy their bath. Just wait till they can take a bath together...

Side Note: Yes, this is just a spin-off of Ten Second Thoughts.

Side Note #2: I rotated this picture to be viewed vertically THREE times. Each time I uploaded it, though, it turned on its side. Annoying.

10 second thoughts ... again

2009-10-23T16:17:00.003-04:00

This is one of my favorite ways to blog because I don't have to develop any of the thoughts into any sort of reasonable paragraph(s). It's awesome.

1. Oh, how I wish Ben would eat more than cheese, yogurt, fruit strips, oatmeal, meatballs, chicken nuggets, applesauce, pasta, grilled cheese, and quesadillas. Because that is a very short rotation, and involves zero vegetables.

2. I hope Matt's not sensitive to dairy like Ben was. He is very gassy.

3. Elmo's voice is annoying. But he sure does hold Ben's attention long enough for me to shower!

4. Ben is starting to string 3 words together in a sentence, which is cute. One of them is almost always "please," though, so it's kind of a two-word sentence. But still. He also tells stories one word at a time, like "Daddy ... tractor ... mow ... riiiiide! ... Grass. Bah-bye!"

5. Josh says we are done having babies. Maybe HE is done having babies, nobody ASKED me. Ha ha. Truth be told, I don't really want to be pregnant again, or go through labor and delivery again, or be up all night at night again, or potty train a third child (eventually), etc. But it does make me sad to think that I am done with this part of my life. Very, very sad.

6. I am so a goal-oriented person. This is for sure why the first few years after college were so dissatisfying to me: no more training, no more racing, no more tests/grading... no measurement of accomplishment anywhere. Being pregnant is kind of like a race (a marathon!); you get pregnant, and try to finish this 'course' in the best way possible, la la la. I am once again at a point in my life where there is nothing tangible to accomplish (no need to point out that raising children is an accomplishment by itself, I know, I know), so I am starting to identify, and work toward checking items off of, my bucket list. It's fairly short so far, but the first few tasks on the list are kind of arduous. If I do them in order, I'll be on #1 and #2 for several years. And no, I don't plan on publishing my bucket list anytime soon.

7. That last thought was like a ten minute thought, sheesh.

8. Cloth diapering is WAY easier than you'd think it would be, seriously! But it is not without its bumps in the road, and because one never finds herself troubleshooting disposable diapers, it is easy to imagine that disposables are easier. I really don't think this is true, honestly! And I am surprised to hear myself say that.

9. I am looking forward to Christmas. Except for the fact that Ben turns two immediately afterward. We're going to The Great State this year, and I am so excited! I hope it snows. (Sorry, Dad.) Since both sides of our family draw names, it has become much less stressful to shop. I actually have fun trying to find a really good gift.

10. Time for dinner!

My little Matty

2009-10-20T23:10:00.006-04:00

I like to keep the boys' blog happy. You know, pictures and cute stories. So I leave the grouching and complaining and frustration for this blog, and for a week or so, there was a lot of that around here, oy.

So Matt had (has) thrush. For those of you who are not familiar, it's a yeast infection that infects the mouth. I read somewhere that babies aren't susceptible to it after four weeks of age (which makes no sense, when you get to my next paragraph). Lucky us, we won the lottery, and Matt came down with a case of it before four weeks! It looks like whitish cheesy residue on his tongue, and spread to other parts of his mouth. Apparently it is common for it to be passed back and forth between a baby and a breastfeeding mom. Fortunately, I have not won the lottery, and my 'girls' have been spared. Poor Matty just hasn't been so lucky. Thrush alone can make a baby cranky; the tongue is irritated and eating can be tricky. This didn't seem to be Matt's problem, though.

The treatment for thrush in an adult is a liquid suspension called Nystatin. The person swishes it around in their mouth and is supposed to swallow it. We treat it the same way in newborns, only the little rugrats simply refuse to "swish and swallow," so some unfortunate parent has the cruel job of painting their child's mouth with the stuff, using a Q-tip. Read: gagging the child on a regular basis, hoping they don't choke. Matt's thrush wasn't gone after the 10-day prescription, so the doctor called in a second 10 days' worth.

But I digress. Because my experience in administering Nystatin has been limited to cranky patients in their forties, I had no idea what its side effects might be for a baby. The little pamphlet that comes with the medication listed nausea, diarrhea, GI distress, gas, etc... as side effects. Pretty much every medication on the planet lists these same side effects, so I didn't pay much attention. But let me tell you, Nystatin had a very powerful effect on my poor little Matty: he was overcome with horrific gas. He would nurse for less than a minute at a time, pop off, and SCREAM. I'd burp him, and burp him, and burp him... give him dose after dose of Mylicon... he would burp these gigantic burps, but when I'd lay him down to continue feeding, he would scream again. Miserable. I timed it once in the middle of the night: a full hour of attempted feeding won me 6 minutes of interrupted nursing. That means I spent the better part of an hour (remember, in the middle of the night!) burping the poor child. Ineffectively. And you can imagine, this was only winning me about 2 hours between feedings. Ugh. The day 'shift' went pretty much the same, and I was feeding every 1.5-2 hours. Ugh, again.

So I got talking to my mom about this, and she and I came to the conclusion that it was the Nystatin which had turned my happy chubby baby into a gnome. I had my six-week postpartum visit with the midwife, and she recommended a natural treatment, gentian violet. I'd had gazillions of recommendations for it, so I called/drove all over the southern tier trying to find it. The doctor wanted to see Matt again before changing his medication, and in the meantime, I kicked Nystatin to the curb. Wouldn't you know it, I arrived at the doctor's office with a happy, contented baby, and a doctor and nurse who did not believe me when I told them that Nystatin is a tool of the devil. The doctor told me that Matt's thrush was a 'very mild' case, and to give Matt two more days of the med and then just stop. So I hesitantly started up the torturous routine again ...

and promptly was reminded what it is like to have a tiny gnome for a child.

I stopped the Nystatin again, and guess what? My happy little chubster returned! Matt's thrush seems to be doing just fine, and regardless of who believes me, I am telling you right now - Nystatin causes horrible gas in babies! (If you Google it, you'll find other moms that agree.) Matt began feeding well again just in time to slam into the seven-week growth spurt. I have been a feeding machine for a few days. But you know what? I don't even MIND, so long as the boy eats. Sigh.

True Story

2009-10-14T16:29:00.004-04:00

Complete with my real-time thoughts in italics.

[Scene: I've arrived at the mall, just inside the entrance to Bon Ton, with Matt in the stroller. As I wait for Josh and Ben to catch up (I hurried ahead; it was cold out!), I notice Matt is waking up. I start to put a pacifier into his mouth.]

Random Weird Lady (RWL): (whisper) Cute baby. Oh, you should breastfeed.

Me: (Blank look.) What? I should wh-- wait, I DO br-- What?

RWL: You should breastfeed. Do you, do you breastfeed?

Me: Um, ...yeah. Is this your business?

RWL: Oh, that's good. You should carry a small bottle of water for him.

Me: (Blank look.) I should what? For what? Why? Because it's against the law to use a pacifier? She thinks I don't breastfeed because I'm giving him a pacifier? What does she care if I breastfeed? What if I *didn't* choose to breastfeed? What right does she--

RWL: Oh, you know what you should do? [No, PLEASE tell me.] Infant dedication. You should have him dedicated. You can have it done at (names her church).

[RWL now slides her hand out from under her oversized, yellow, pleather purse, and produces a gigantic tri-folded pamphlet, of sorts.]

Me: Oh. Are you kidding me? Did you just go from "hello," skipping "do you know Jesus?" and head right to "You need to make a very important personal decision, at my church"? I should tell her that I am very happy at my current church, and plan to dedicate my son THERE.

RWL: See? Here's the address on the back (gestures), and here's the phone number, (opening bulletin) and here are the service times, and we're on the radio...

Me: Oh, thanks. Thank you. The sooner this lady leaves me alone, the better.

RWL: You want another one? (Meaning, another bulletin from her church's most recent service.)

Me: Um, no. Nope, one's good. Thanks. What would I do with two of these?

If you're scratching your head, you're not alone. I was completely baffled. Josh was angry! Ha ha, when I told him the story, he said I should have told her that people like her are why other people hate Christians. And that I should have invited her to OUR church. Heh. I just kind of clammed up. Sort of stunned. You know? I pointed her out in the open area of the mall and Josh saw her headed for Victoria's Secret. He said she was going to save those heathens who sell underwear. Ha ha ha!

Girardi or Torre?

2009-10-02T10:04:00.003-04:00

Which Joe do you favor?

Torre spent some fantastic years with the Yanks. I can't help but love him, and his stoic expression, regardless of the situation: an amazing comeback or a crushing defeat. He managed a team of superstars and all of their arrogance, and brought the Yankees to the forefront of everyone's mind when the subject of great baseball teams was broached. He also tolerated the Steinbrenners, and that earns anyone a medal in my book.

Girardi? I don't know much about him. (I haven't watched nearly as much baseball since having kids.) But to me, he's not really a commanding presence. Torre earned the right to be silent; sometimes I want to hear Girardi's voice. When he stands in the dugout during a game, he looks more like a college coach than a professional manager. Of course, this current season suggests that he more than knows what he's doing, and I'm starting to chalk up my misread of his command to the fact that he has a baby face. Ha ha.

Anyway, my real question is this:

Assuming the teams in blue beat out the teams in red, and should both Joes end up in the World Series, as is certainly fathomable, which Joe do you favor? I'm obviously a Yankees fan, so my gut says I'd pull for Girardi, in this (of course) hypothetical scenario. HOWEVER, if the Dodgers pulled it off, hypothetically speaking, of course, how great would it be if Torre got to poke a World Series title into the eye of a Steinbrenner? Managing a team that's not from New York? Pretty great.

Vote in the comments if you care (which I would guess most of you don't, if I am correctly gauging my blog readership...).

My mom and I made this baseball cake for my brother's most recent birthday. You know, the one where he turned still-older-than-me. :)

So who wants a cloth diaper update?

2009-09-30T22:11:00.003-04:00

Not you? No? Oh well. Here comes one anyway. (Don't worry; it's short.)

I'm not doing too much in the way of cloth diapering yet. I have put cloth on the little guy here and there, but it's hard, getting into the swing of things. I don't want to do cloth at night because I don't want to be bothered with the poop. I don't want to do cloth when we go 'out' because I'm not comfortable enough with all the semantics to handle a blowout in public. I don't even really want to do cloth when we go over to Grandma and Grandpa's, yet, for the same reason. So you can see how this translates into doing a little here and a little there.

On my birthday, of all days, I decided I was going to go all cloth. I ended up changing Matt's entire outfit three times, and then I said forget it. I put him back in disposables, chalked it up to his size (meaning, when he gets a little bigger and the diapers fit a bit better, he won't leak or blow out as much), and went on my merry way. But I checked in with another cloth diapering mom recently (Hi, Laurel!), and she says her daughter was fine in the Bum Genius diapers at Matt's size or even smaller. I think I need to put in the heavier liner, not the newborn liner. So, take note, cloth diapering hopefuls - the newborn liner is basically useless. :) In the meantime we bought a big pack of disposables... so we'll see where this goes. The nice part is, the Bum Genius diapers will last till Matt is Ben's size, so there's no hurry to get him into them. I figure the amount of money we've spent on diapers SO FAR has already paid for four of the Bum Genius.

Not as short as I thought it'd be.

Matthew is wearing a Thirsties all-in-one, sized diaper in baby blue.

Ten-second thoughts

2009-09-21T16:47:00.003-04:00

1. I know I am way behind in blogging. I'm paralyzed by it. Do I update my blog? Or Ben's blog? Where do I put Matt's stuff, seeing how he doesn't have a blog? Yet? Or will he ever? Should the boys share a blog? Should I post Matt's stuff here in the meantime? Should I just rename Ben's blog and keep it at the same url?

2. Josh and I both love saying, "the boys."

3. I weighed myself 8 days after Matt was born to compare how much weight I'd lost so far with how much I'd lost 8 days after Ben was born. Matt wins by SIX pounds. And I refuse to step on a scale again for a long time because I don't even want to know. Ha ha.

4. I love our church. I really, really do. They have fed us better in the past week(s) than I usually feed my own family. And everyone brought desserts, too, sheesh! This is part of why I won't step on a scale again for awhile...

5. Everything is relative. With Ben, my life was completely upside down. I used to beg Josh for 20 minutes free from Ben after he got home from work. In that time I could eat, shower, fold laundry, and pick up the kitchen. Now, if I have just one child, I can do twice that, it seems. Before when I only ever had one child, he consumed me. Now one child is so manageable! Like I said, it's all relative. I'm sure my friend Julie (and my cousin Dana, whose little girl is one week apart from Matt!) would say that having just TWO would be nice once in awhile!

6. I want pizza. Nirchi's, Hawaiian. And I want like seven pieces. OK, I'll settle for ...three.

7. I'm going to be 30 in one week. Ouch.

8. I don't think 10-second thoughts means you have to do ten thoughts. At least I hope it doesn't mean that. Because I'm at 8, and I've been done since probably... 6.

Labor Playlist

2009-09-07T16:23:00.003-04:00

Hit shuffle, hop into the shower, and you, too, can survive Pitocin without pain meds... HA HA HA. :)

Home - Michael Bublé

The Long Day Is Over - Norah Jones

Latter Days - Over the Rhine

Everybody Hurts - REM (This one actually made me laugh at myself when I heard it come on. Everybody hurts, indeed.)

Let It Flow - Toni Braxton

One - U2

The World I Know - Collective Soul

Staring Down - Collective Soul

Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Katharine McPhee

Sunday Morning Coming Down - Johnny Cash

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room - John Mayer

Storms in Africa - Enya

#34 - Dave Matthews Band (This was by far my favorite and most-played.)

Lover Lay Down - Dave Matthews Band

Grace is Gone - Dave Matthews Band

Omaha - Counting Crows (Skipped this one every time.)

Feels Like Home - Chantal Kreviazuk

PS - I was going to link you to all of them via iTunes, but changed my mind. Maybe later I'll add in the links. If you're nice. :)

He's here!

2009-09-06T21:16:00.002-04:00

Matthew Joshua Kresge was born at 10:07 p.m. on Tuesday, September 1. He weighed 8 pounds, 12 ounces, and is 21 inches long. We came home Thursday and are adjusting to life with two boys!

I'll post more details about his birth as I find the time... but I figured I had to start somewhere!

Cloth diaper comparison

2009-08-29T11:59:00.004-04:00

First of all, yes, I am still pregnant. Leave whatever comments you will, but please... no more suggestions for how to start labor or comments about late pregnancy. I don't know how much longer I can be gracious. Ha ha ha! :)

Oh, and another thing - those of you who have been SO eagerly awaiting this post have Amy to thank, she finally motivated me to get it done!

OK, all three of these diapers are Bum Genius pocket-style one-size diapers, shown in their various adjustable sizes. The lovely Vanna (a.k.a., my mother) is pointing out that the snaps on the front are the way you adjust the size. Also, it is worth mentioning (but I didn't catch it in the picture), the velcro tabs on the front can actually be overlapped to accommodate those tiny newborn bellies!

This is my only Happy Heinys (pocket-style, one-size) diaper. I must once again mention that I did not choose the print!! It adjusts the same way that the Bum Genius diapers do, using snaps on the front. However, the Happy Heinys diaper has a fourth row of snaps (the Bum Genius only has three). The velcro in this picture is shown overlapped, so it is in its skinniest size, though its largest size, since all the snaps are unsnapped.
These diapers are both FuzziBunz (again, pocket-style, one-size). You might have to click on the picture to see the detail I'm mentioning. I should have zoomed in more. Anyway, Mom's pointing out the adjustable leg gussets. Basically there is a strip of elastic with button holes all along it in the side of the diaper. You can pull the elastic as tight (or leave it as loose) as you'd like, and then button it at that size. (Pretty much the same thing as adjustable waistband pants, for those of you with tall, skinny kids like me!) The elastic then tucks into the diaper again (see the right side of the open diaper), so the buttons won't rub on the kiddo.
More FuzziBunz... the outside of the diaper closes with snaps, instead of velcro, but it has a lot of them to accommodate lots of different-sized babes! I tried to show the smallest possible size and the largest possible size.
I'm going to break here to quickly tell you my thoughts. Bottom line, I prefer the velcro tabs (Bum Genius or Happy Heinys) to the snaps on the front (Fuzzi Bunz), because they open and close quickly, are most like a disposable diaper, and you don't have to guess at which snap you want in order to tell how tight to make the diaper. However, if one had a whole stock of Fuzzi Bunz, and used them regularly, one could easily make note of which snaps she preferred and it wouldn't be any issue. The other thing is, if you are switching back and forth between a newborn and a toddler (and if you are buying one-size diapers, this is one of the big benefits!), it seems like it would be easier to snap into a different size than to use the leg gussets. Just a thought.

OK, inserts. The inserts pictured below are both Bum Genius, but all three brands came with two sizes of insert: newborn/doubler, and infant. The one on the right is the newborn liner, which will be much less bulky than trying to use the full-size liner right from birth... plus you can use it to 'double up' for naptimes and bedtime if your kiddo is a heavy wetter. I also know of a few folks who just use two full-size liners and skip the newborn liners completely.

While we're talking about liners, Bum Genius liners have snaps in them that allow you to fold up the insert a little to accommodate the sizing of the diaper. Plus, I kind of like it that the one all the way to the right has extra absorbency in one area. If you have a little boy, it's nice to be able to put double absorbency in the front, right where it needs to be! Of course you could fold any brand liner to do this. But I think the snaps are kind of nice!
The diaper on the left is a Bum Genius, the one on the right is a Fuzzi Bunz. What I'm trying to show here is the opening in the diaper where you insert the liner. On the Bum Genius, the pocket opening is "hidden," and on the Fuzzi Bunz it is at the very top of the diaper. (The very next picture demonstrates that the Happy Heinys diaper is the same as the Fuzzi Bunz, with the opening at the very top.)
See?

I thought this would be more of an issue than it is. But then again, it might be a bigger deal with a newborn... Ben used to poop right up the back of his clothes pretty frequently when he was littler, and I dread the thought of poop getting into the pocket part of the diaper. Just a thought. Oh, and here is a good place to tell you that the lining on the inside of the diaper, the soft part that actually touches baby's skin, is pretty different on the different brands! I was surprised. The Bum Genius diaper is sort of flannel-y, but the Happy Heinys and Fuzzi Bunz are both very fleecy. A lot softer! The poop sprays off equally well on both fabrics, but kudos to Fuzzi Bunz and Happy Heinys for making it so cushy for baby's tushy. (I'm such a dork.)
Laundry tabs. These aren't an issue with the Fuzzi Bunz because they use snaps for closure, but on the Bum Genius and Happy Heinys diapers that close with velcro, they can get stuck to EVERYTHING in the wash if you don't tack them down. The idea behind the laundry tab is that you can stick the velcro down so it won't catch on everything, while still leaving the diaper "open" to be laundered. It has been my experience that the Happy Heinys laundry tabs absolutely do not work. But truth be told, I don't really care. Velcro tabs getting stuck to other velcro tabs and/or diaper liners - ah. I have bigger fish to fry.
And finally, it is interesting to me that the different diapers (which are all fantastically liquid-proof) are lined with different material, somehow. The Fuzzi Bunz and Happy Heinys are reallllly plastic-y, while the Bum Genius is fabric-y while still plastic enough to be effective. This is probably completely irrelevant. :)

Random addition: the elastic in the legs and across the top of the Bum Genius appears a lot tighter than the Fuzzi Bunz. The Fuzzi Bunz can almost lie flat when it's open, on the floor or changing table (of course, if you adjust the gussets to pretty tight, it would probably curl up a little too). I think this makes the Fuzzi Bunz an easier diaper to apply, though. But the Bum Genius stretches plenty to accommodate!

Overall, I bet you can tell, Bum Genius wins in my book. What's interesting is that I think what will happen is, the newborn will wear the Bum Genius and Ben will wear the Fuzzi Bunz and Happy Heinys. The Bum Genius seem to size down a little bit better. I am currently on a cloth diapering hiatus anyway. Ben doesn't dirty diapers quickly enough for me to launder them frequently enough to avoid a nasty stench... so I'll pick things back up when I have two diaper factories under this roof. Also, I have decided that I'm probably not going to use cloth diapers on the little one at night, until he is sleeping through the night. I just don't see myself spraying off poop into the toilet after a 2 or 3 a.m. feeding. I can use disposables at nighttime and then switch to cloth when the sun rises!

Oh - I didn't include the Thirsties diapers in this post because I haven't used them yet. They are all-in-ones, as opposed to pocket-style (meaning, the diaper is all one piece, not a pocket and a liner), and so they are sized. The two that I have are newborn sizes, so I haven't had a chance to give them a shot. I anticipate LOVING them... I especially like the inner leg gussets for catching leaks! ...but I didn't want to pay for different sizes as the little one grows, so I mostly invested in one-size diapers.

And, OH! I totally forgot to rate the prefolds and covers! Well, quickly - I didn't actually mind them at all. If you have a good, snug cover (I used sized Bummis), you don't need pins or Snappis or anything. The covers close with velcro, very similar to the Bum Genius. Poop sprays off the prefolds well, and they didn't leak. My only complaint was that they were quite bulky, and Ben basically looked like he had just gotten off a horse when he would walk around! I have totally phased them out and will only use them in a pinch.

Long enough?

39 weeks, 2 days

2009-08-23T21:14:00.005-04:00

Hopefully this will be my last belly shot!

Ben trying to share my lap with his brother (please pay no attention to the fact that I am not sitting in anything close to a ladylike position)

...and, finally, Ben gives the baby a kiss. Cute.
Ben was born at 39 weeks, 3 days, so if this baby followed suit (and of course I am not expecting that, but it's always fun to hope) he'd be born tomorrow. I CAN ALWAYS HOPE. :)

Updated nursery pics

2009-08-23T21:00:00.000-04:00

To go along with the pirate theme, which also includes monkeys and whales and parrots... a monkey and an anchor. I promise the monkey won't always hang from the plant hook, it's just funny. :) Oh, and we are borrowing the crib from Josh's parents so that we could put our crib up in the new baby's room. It's nice to have everything in its place.

The fishes on the wall... and a plain old chair, till the baby comes. Ben keeps the rocking chair till then.
The awesome treasure map that Josh MADE, using heavy paper stained with coffee, markers, colored pencils... he burned the edges and everything. I love it that he made it.
The (not too exciting) valance
...and, the little corner of the room that Ben has claimed as his own. He took the baby playmat, hauled it into a corner, and he stores some of his favorite stuff in there. He will often be found just chilling out here, doing his puzzle or reading a book. Cutie pie.

38 weeks, 3 days

2009-08-17T13:21:00.001-04:00

I'm sitting on the bed in our room with the air conditioning on, just chilling out all by myself! It's a weird sort of lonely!

*My BP today was 116/78.

*My ankles aren't swollen at all today... yay.

*Baby was in a more favorable "LOT" position today, which mostly means he is on my left side, head down, and not along my spine like last week. But, as they tell me, it changes from minute to minute, really, anyway... :)

*Hanging in there! Week and a half to go!

Josh is off tomorrow and works Wednesday/Thursday, and then he's off Friday and my mom comes! So I only have two more days to 'survive' being pregnant, with a toddler, by myself.

I'll try and add a picture to this post at some point...

Hanging in there!

2009-08-16T22:08:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow I'll give you a more detailed update pregnancy-wise, as I have an OB appointment. But until then, suffice it to say I have found plenty of ways to keep myself busy!

1. I'm glad I chose to try out cloth diapering before this baby came, because it does take some "getting into the swing of things," and that would be overwhelming with a new baby (not to discourage people who are planning to do this with their first child; I think it's hard for me because I already had a system going with disposables and have had to change things up).

2. We lost our water yesterday morning around 9 or 10, and it wasn't fixed until today around 1 or so. Over 24 hours without flushing the toilet, washing our hands, brushing our teeth, showering, etc. with our own water - yikes! We headed over to Josh's parents' house and showered and brought back some water to fill the toilet with and to brush teeth with and the like. But that inconvenience was a big pain. Plus it made it impossible to wash any diapers! I have been doing them every other night, so this was more than a whole extra day of them stinking in the diaper pail. Add in the heat, and wow. Gross. I just heard the dryer click off, though, so all is well in paradise once again!

3. Josh is taking Ben to Enchanted Forest tomorrow. He'll be about 3 hours away. Everyone has been making comments about me going into labor while he's gone. (It's annoying.) However, on the bright side, this trip has served as one more "hurdle" to get over before I really want the baby to come out. So it's been nice to have something to pull me through.

4. I treated myself to my first-ever Spotted Box this month. I had read about it on someone else's blog... basically you pay for a box of surprise samples to be delivered to your door. I think they are all handmade, and they are all eco-friendly. You can get a big box or a small one, and I chose the small one. I was going to go big and say hey - it's my treat! But I decided to check it out in small version first. The boxes go on sale on the 15th of each month, and then are priority mailed within two days, so I should get it fairly soon. My goal is to wait until I get home with the new baby to open it, to give myself something to look forward to... but I am also going to allow myself to open it right away if this baby takes forever to come out, because I'll need some cheering up!

That's the update for now, sorry so long and boring - I hope to post a picture with the next one.

Diaper Arrival!

2009-08-11T20:22:00.005-04:00

I placed my order with Jillian's Drawers on Sunday night, it was processed yesterday, and the box arrived today! Granted, the store is in Ithaca, so it's not that far from here, but I am still impressed. It arrived just before Ben's naptime and I made myself wait till he was down to open it, so I could document along the way... :)

First look into the box!

Some FuzziBunz, and laundering instructions (I love that they include these with every order)
FuzziBunz. I chose the blue and the white; the blaze orange was part of a sampler pack and I only got to choose "boy." I don't love the orange, I'll be honest, but I guess if it is going to be filled with poo - who cares? :)
And the one Happy Heinys, which was also part of that sampler pack (I assure you, I would never have picked cheetah. Ew.)
...and all the bumGenius diapers, crammed together at the bottom of the box! Blue, light blue, light green, and white.
Finally, my diaper pail liner and diaper sprayer (which I already installed on the back of the toilet; it was remarkably easy!)... the "accessories" which (I think) will make cloth diapering easier for me.
And that's that! I'm already composing a review of the different diapers in my mind... I was surprised at how different they are in little ways, but also so very similar. We'll have to see what suits my fancy!

OB update. It's short.

2009-08-10T19:23:00.002-04:00

37 weeeks, 3 days.

My BP today was 110/70. Yay.

I gained 2 pounds over the last week. Yay.

I am 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced. Yay.

Baby is (still) head-down, and this was once again verified by ultrasound. Yay, and yay.

Baby is NOT facing the right direction, however, and if he doesn't turn himself right around and face my back like he's supposed to, I have the fear of "back labor" to look forward to. SIGH.

Cloth diaper update. It's long.

2009-08-06T15:54:00.004-04:00

...but you've come to expect that from me, haven't you?

I have started and re-started this post three times.

I began the cloth diapering trial by purchasing two BumGenius one-size diapers which, in theory, should fit both Ben and (insert name of our second son here). I put them on Ben a couple times, but only when I was reasonably sure he wouldn't poop, because I didn't want to deal with a cloth diaper poopy ...yet. Ha ha. What I learned is that owning two cloth diapers is mostly just annoying. You have these dirty diapers, even though they're only wet with urine, and they sit around until you have a load of laundry that's compatible so you can wash them. I wasn't getting a very good "feel" for cloth diapering, I wasn't DOING much cloth diapering, and I didn't really know where to go next. You can spend about $18 on a new Bum Genius diaper, so buying more diapers just to try things out seemed crazy. My compromise was to spend about $35 on six prefolded diapers, two diaper covers .........and a roll of paper liners to put in the diapers ahead of time to ease my dealing with poopy diapers.

I wish I had taken a picture of the prefolds before I washed them! I intentionally bought unbleached diapers, and I bought Chinese prefolds as opposed to Indian prefolds (Chinese are supposedly more durable, Indian softer), but when I pulled the diapers out of the package, they looked like painter's drop cloth. Heavy, stiff cotton. I did the recommended three washes, though, and after even one wash they looked so much better! I did one whole day of cloth diapers using the prefolds and rotating the two covers. Ben did make me a pretty messy present in one of the prefolds, and I hadn't put a paper liner in, and I assure you I did not enjoy getting the excrement into the toilet, or swishing the diaper around in the water, or any other part of that diaper. I couldn't wait to do laundry at the end of the day to get that poopyness cleaned up. Yuck! It did stain a little, but I hear that the sun bleaches these things out. Too bad I don't have a clothesline .... but I'm working on that. I'll be honest, it's nowhere near the top of my to-do list, but I'm working on it.

So anyway. I learned from that day that if I really want to do this whole cloth diapering thing, and I do, I need to accessorize a bit. I needed a diaper pail with a liner that can go right in the washer, because although the plastic grocery bag I used worked perfectly well, it had bits of poo stuck all over it when I was done and I threw it away. It was gross, and I would rather have recycled it. Plus, we try to use reusable grocery bags anyway, so our supply of plastic bags should be rather slim. (I did, however, already have a very snazzy wet bag that I received as a gift from a cloth diapering friend, which will be perfect for my diaper bag! I need to post a pic, it's so cute!) Second, I really felt that having a diaper sprayer (which attaches to the back of your toilet, and facilitates poo removal from cloth) would make my cloth-diapering life a LOT easier. So last night I got online and starting shopping. I put every single item I could imagine wanting into my "shopping cart" just to see how much it would all cost, keeping in mind that I had already spent some money on the original BumGenius diapers and the six prefolds and two covers. I won't lie to you, I didn't love the number. Then I convinced Josh to mute the Mets game for a few minutes and we hashed it all out. It's probably no secret that as grossed out as I am by cloth diapering and dealing with poop and all of that business, Josh is even less interested... so the idea of spending a few hundred dollars on more diapers and pail liners and a diaper sprayer for our toilet didn't really excite him. But let's be honest, I'm not exactly a girly girl, I hardly ever really go shopping, and well - I have been persistent about this idea for awhile now. I got the go ahead and ordered just about everything on my wish list.

As a quick aside here, Josh isn't (yet) convinced that all of this will save us any money in the long run. I am trying to imagine myself keeping a tally of how many diapers we use in the first few months of (insert second son's name here)'s life, to demonstrate its cost-effectiveness, but I doubt that will happen. But, then I remind myself, this whole cloth diapering thing is actually 99.9% environmentally-motivated, so if we break even, we're good. And I'm sure we'll at least break even.

And now I sit and wait! Ben is wearing cloth in the meantime, with paper liners sometimes and sometimes without, but soon enough my glorious package from Jillian's Drawers will arrive. I can't wait for it to get here.

Oh! I almost forgot! I had been doing some shopping on Etsy the other night, looking for some cute reusable nursing pads, and I came across a particularly helpful seller (WeeEssentials, if you want to look her up!). She custom-made me three pair of nursing pads (flannel, cotton, bamboo, and waterproof PUL - in a cute print!), and shipped them out within two days when I told her just how pregnant I am. Anyway, she also sent me samples of her lip balm (heavenly) and some "soap bits," which can be used in a foaming soap pump or to create a solution for making your own wipes. I emailed her to thank her for her prompt shipping and told her that I was trying cloth diapering, but wasn't planning on making the leap to cloth wipes. She pointed out that cloth wipes can actually be easier - because just as you plop your poopy disposable wipe into your poopy disposable diaper and throw away the whole poopy mess, you'd most likely want to do the same with the cloth wipe - drop it into the same diaper pail as the poopy diaper. Her handmade items are so very cute, and well-made, that I went ahead and ordered the cloth wipes. They are flannel on one side and terry on the other, and they come in a box that fits them perfectly. I know I could make my own out of strips of pretty much any cloth, or even use baby wash cloths, but I decided that these special wipes are my own little treat for biting the bullet and going cloth - might as well go all the way!

And that's the (looooooooooong) update from here. :)

Sitting down to blog: it's not really procrastination...

2009-08-04T11:47:00.003-04:00

...it's more me making myself feel better about the next few weeks. :)

The following is the list of things I have accomplished recently:

*washed, dried, and re-applied (hey, that rhymes) the covers for the infant swing, car seat, bouncy seat, and the baby play mat... and the sheet and mesh/netting for the bassinet

*hit up Jo-Ann's for some foam to make a "mattress" for the bassinet that doesn't crinkle (I do realize that I am sealing my own fate here, and this baby will either pee, poop, or spit a nice soggy mess on my unprotected "mattress" first thing, but I don't care)

*pulled out the breast pump, wiped it all down, sterilized my tubing and breast shields and a couple bottles

*purchased and sterilized two newborn pacifiers (I know, this is a big no-no if you are breastfeeding, but given Ben's sucking issues [do a search for "Notes on Nursing," if you dare], I would have LOVED to have had a couple pacis in the hospital with him... and I didn't want the Soothies brand the hospital has)

*SCRUBBED out the baby bathtub... wow, that was an ordeal...

*packed my hospital bag about halfway: the pump, nursing stuff, chapstick and the like is packed, the baby's coming home stuff is ready to go... but I'm not ready to give up my favorite shorts and t-shirt for the next however many weeks, so my things have yet to be packed

*bought a little Mylicon, just in case

Of course there are still things to do....

*find some infant saline spray - everywhere is out of it, and Ben definitely needed a few squirts in the middle of the night for awhile

*figure out what batteries I might need for the various baby entertainment items, and buy some

*buy a new crib mattress cover, just to have an extra (I bought one yesterday at Target, brought it home, and it's CRINKLY like the bassinet mattress... so back it goes! I have two others that don't crinkle; I know they are out there!)

*add to my cloth diaper stash

And the OB update:

Yesterday's BP was something like 114/78, if I remember correctly... which is the highest it's been so far. If you read my baby updates when I was pregnant with Ben, this would have been an awesome BP for me at this point! I hadn't gained any weight since my last visit, which surprised me but made me happy - as I am 3 pounds away from the most I've ever weighed in my life. :-/ And the old belly measured 35.5 cm, which is slightly small for where I'm at, but again, pretty much right where it should be. Oh! And we played with the ultrasound machine to make sure Little Mister is head-down. And he is. The midwife told me there is really only about a 1% chance that he would turn head-up at this point... which makes me happy. Of course, if he were breech I would be clinging to that 1%!!

And now I am off to shower, while Ben is out running errands with Daddy. Happy Tuesday to y'all!

What's so funny?

2009-08-01T22:19:00.002-04:00

Josh wanted a picture of me with his grandma, who was up visiting for a few weeks. I was deeeeeep into this camp chair, and I said, "Wait, let me sit up a little so I don't look so ginormous." It was kind of an effort to get myself sitting forward, oy. Hee hee!

This and that

2009-07-31T21:36:00.003-04:00

My mind is swimming. I'm 36 weeks pregnant today, and I'm so much farther behind in preparedness than I feel like I was with Ben! Fortunately, with the exclusion of decorations, the baby's room is done. Window shade and valance are up, doors are painted and hung. I think that was the final two things besides making it look pretty. We are still just going with the Pack & Play in there, but suffice it to say, if the baby came out tomorrow, we'd be okay.

Phew.

Now. When Ben was born, I was in the hospital for four days. I don't really know why I had to be there that long, honestly. I had had pre-eclampsia and some fairly significant blood pressures postpartum, but not four days' worth. If they had wanted to keep just Ben, I would have been heartbroken, but he was extremely jaundiced, not nursing... and you know what? I was a basketcase - maybe they thought I should stay for the support. Ha! Anyway, by the time I got home I was so glad to be in my own house again... for about 5 minutes. And then I started to think of things I needed! Like, nursing pads. I sent Josh out to buy nursing pads umpteen thousand times... poor guy. I eventually found myself some washable ones at Target, but even with those three pair I went through literally hundreds of disposable pads. I am trying to remind myself of all those items that Josh had to rush out and get for me, so I can get them myself, ahead of time, this time. Not that I actually leave the house anymore. But you know. If I did.

I still need to get the baby car seat out, and the swing, and the play mat, and the bassinet - oy! That is sounding like a lot of stuff to do... I also wanted to go to JoAnn's and buy a thin piece of foam to replace the crinkly plastic mattress in the bassinet. I swear every time Ben took a BREATH, I heard that thing crinkle and woke up. Oh! I need to get the baby monitor out... I need to pack my hospital bag.

See how behind I am?

What I have done is make myself an appointment for a prenatal massage and pedicure next Friday, at 37 weeks, and a hair appointment the following Thursday, one day shy of 38 weeks. I remember how fabulously gorgeous I felt after delivering Ben, and how l-o-n-g it was till I could get myself out of the house for some girlyness... after that hair appointment, the child is welcome to come out. I'll be all set. ;)

I nested a little today. Cleaned the toilet (even behind it, Amy, you would have been so proud!) and the sink and the floor in the bathroom, FINALLY scrubbed the cooked on who-knows-what that was on top of my cooktop stove, scrubbed down all the counters - behind the sink and the coffee pot, etc... and I purged one shelf of the hall closet, which basically amounted to throwing out tons of odds and ends of shampoo and body wash and old toothpaste and whatnot. (Side note: I found three bottles of Bath & Body Works hand soap that I'd put away months ago, woo hoo! I love good-smelling soap.) And I talked Josh into sweeping the floors for me. Isn't it hilarious that within a few days, all of that work will have been for nothing? Maybe I need this baby to come out before 38 weeks, so my bathroom is still clean...

...and that's the update for now.

35 weeks, 4 days

2009-07-28T22:48:00.003-04:00

At girls' weekend not long ago, we took a bunch pics of ourselves sitting on Julie's couch. I think I looked like gigantosaurus rex in those pics, seriously. Ugh. Everyone was having a blast putting them on Facebook and I wanted to untag myself. I think these are a tiny bit better, but the truth of the matter is, it's time for this baby to come out. Well, soon anyway. :)

And I know how you all love when I post the outtakes...

31 days left till my due date! I'm hoping it doesn't take that long for Little Mr. to present himself, but honestly - I do need a little bit of that time. He needs a name, for one... and for two and three and four and five (ha ha!) I feel like I have a lot of things left to do!

What's left to do in the new baby's room?

2009-07-28T10:40:00.001-04:00

In a word, lots. :) But little of it has to do with the new baby's actual room.

(Pictures at the end of the post!)

At this point, the baby's room is nearly done. The ceiling and walls have been painted. The wood trim around the window and both doors (entry and closet) has been removed and replaced... and painted. The closet has been painted. The carpet replaced. The corded wall lamp has been removed and an overhead light/ceiling fan has taken its place. Both doors have been taken down and are being painted little by little. Ben has been switched to a big boy dresser, and the dresser/changing table is now in the new baby's room.

So what's missing, you ask?

Um, the crib. Just a small detail. Somebody isn't ready to give it up yet. Somebody enjoys playing on his big boy bed (which just happens to be a very fantastic fire truck), but wants nothing to do with sleeping in it. So, somebody will stay in his crib awhile longer. Squatter's rights, if you will. I really don't mind, honestly. It would be nice to un-crowd Ben's room and to finish setting up the new baby's room, but it's not that big of a deal. Baby #2 will be in our room for a least a few weeks after he is born, and that gives Ben at least another month or so to get comfortable with the idea of sleeping like a big boy. Plus I hear nighttime regression is common when you bring a new baby into the picture, and I want no part of Ben climbing into bed with me during my precious few minutes of sleep in between nursing sessions.

So what's left? A little transitioning from my bigger boy. And perhaps something decorative for those bare walls! Oh, and the curtain rod and shade. Anyway, here are a few pictures...

Dresser with new changing pad cover:

Closet with new wood trim, ready for its freshly painted door! (And yes, we'll eventually find a new home for the vacuum cleaner, but this closet has been its home forever!)
This lamp will sit directly behind my "nursing chair," which is also still currently part of Ben's bedtime routine. Not nursing, just reading in the chair. Once I can gracefully get myself off the floor, the rocking chair in Ben's room will be replaced with a cool bean bag. But for the moment, the idea of climbing up from the floor is overwhelming! :)
...and finally, this adorable pack and play will (hopefully) soon be replaced by the actual crib that presently sits in Ben's room. But you can see the sheets and the comforter, at least!
You can't really appreciate the colors in these pictures, but the walls are "River Reed," which is a pastel kind of olive color... and the carpet is a grayish blue. It's a great match for the bedroom set we picked.

my eco-friendly blog post... which is mostly about cloth diapering

2009-07-27T22:01:00.003-04:00

This post is probably going to seem like a lot of rambling, but there are a lot of things that have been kicking around in my mind over the past couple of ...years. Yes, years. Ben is now 19 months old, and this whole thought process began somewhere during the time that I was pregnant with him. So I'm going to go ahead and guess it's been at least two years that my brain has been working on this very post, though tonight is the first time I've put my fingers to the keys.

Cloth diapering is where it all began for me. My mother-in-law ranted and raved, dozens of times, about how our landfills are filling up with disposable diapers, and how they take 30 years to decompose, and how she used cloth diapers with her children, and how disposables are so much more expensive anyway, and etc. As an aside, I think it was pretty common to use cloth in her child-rearing days. My own mother used cloth with my brother and me. I think if the use of disposables had been more widespread, honestly, she would likely have used them, too. That said, I have read in numerous places that the length of time a diaper "lives" in a landfill could actually be quite a bit longer than 30 years, and the idea of a waste product my son used still being present in a landfill as he diapers his son 30 years later has always sort of sickened me. However, the idea of going cloth felt so very overwhelming... and Josh was totally against it. So I caved, rather easily, and we have bought disposables for Ben. I have tried to keep things somewhat eco-friendly, though, by not using a Diaper Genie or anything similar, which would tightly wrap each diaper in plastic. Somehow I feel a little bit better about the diaper decomposing with one less layer of plastic to degrade.

So I use disposable diapers. For a long time, I couldn't imagine using anything else. Ben has had some dietary issues throughout his life which have often led to some explosive diarrhea diapers, and I have countless times wondered how a cloth diaper might have contained/absorbed such a yucky poop. Not to mention the soaking wet morning diapers once the little guy started sleeping through the night! I don't know what we would have done without overnight Huggies for awhile there. Anyway, in the meantime, I have made every effort to be ecologically friendly in as many ways as possible, i.e., last summer I dried everything on the clothesline unless it rained for days in a row. (My clothesline is no longer with us, sadly, so I've had to go back on that "resolution.") And I am crazy about recycling. I recycle EVERYthing. Did you know plastic cups are recyclable? The kind you get at Taco Bell, yes, but also the "disposable" cups you might buy for a party? Yep, recyclable. I think it drives Josh nuts that I don't just toss them into the trash, I rinse them all out and throw them in the recycle bin. Cardboard, paperboard, styrofoam - ANYthing with the three little arrows forming a triangle gets recycled at our house. (And it is worth mentioning that our area is fantastic about recycling. Visit my parents for a day and try not to choke on all the plastic that just gets thrown away! I can't believe recycling isn't nationwide!) I actually pull things out of the garbage after guests leave if they've thrown away something that is recyclable. I'm not ashamed.

Let me add in here, a lot of people burn their garbage. We don't really have a place to do that here, but even if we did - I'm not sure that's super eco-friendly, either. I mean, granted, it takes up zero space in a landfill! :) But if you recycle the same paperboard that houses your case of Coca-Cola instead of burning it, more cases of Coke can be made without killing more trees. Burning your garbage eliminates part of the problem (filling the landfill), but doesn't cover all of the environmentally-friendly bases.

So then I got to thinking, okay, so what else can a person do? I used to think... buy paper cups over styrofoam cups, paper plates instead of plastic plates (when you're picnicking and the like), and things along that line. Paper decomposes fairly quickly when it's wet, so what's the harm? Again, thinking along the lines of filling up a landfill, paper is a better choice than plastic. But - if one is truly trying to be eco-friendly, paper anything means extra trees get chopped down, and for what? To avoid doing the dishes? (A resounding YES! echoes in my mind from time to time, I'll admit it - I love anything that means skipping dishes.)

I'm not ever giving up toilet paper; don't worry!

I started to think about the packaging that our food and other products come in. Is a glossy paper milk carton better than a plastic milk jug? They both recycle, so does it matter (I don't actually know, I'm just putting it out there)?

Would paying for organic foods, specifically produce, really be worth it? Does buying from a farmer's market count, even if they don't claim that their products are organic?

Would using cloth diapers result in a ton more laundry, a lot more hot water, a great deal of frustration? How eco-friendly is that?

Regardless, over the past several months I have been researching, researching, researching cloth diapers. If I was overwhelmed at the idea of cloth diapers in general, I have been really overwhelmed at all the details. Sized diapers, or one-size-fits all? Pocket-style, or all-in-one? Or all-in-two? Traditional prefolds with diaper covers, or contoured prefolds? Or fitted prefolds? Diaper pins or snappis? Velcro or snaps? Adjustable leg gussets or not? Outer layer of PUL or wool? Extra soakers? Or doublers? Paper liner in the diaper to make poops easier? Toilet sprayer to get rid of poops in the toilet bowl? Wet bags or diaper pails? Disposables while you travel or not? Ahhhhh!

I have come to the conclusion that I really, really want to try cloth diapering. It still seems pretty gross to me, most of the time, but I hear it's not so bad once you are in the routines. I think I prefer a pocket-style diaper or an all-in-one as opposed to prefolds and covers, because I like the idea of the cloth diaper being similar to a disposable diaper: you put it, one piece, on, you take it, one piece, off. I don't want anything to do with diaper pins. And probably most important to me, I want one-size diapers so that Ben can wear the same diapers that our newborn will wear. That said, my first cloth diaper purchase was mixed: I bought two sized diapers for the newborn, and two one-size diapers for Ben and the newborn. I figure I can maybe get a little bit of a system down by using the one-size diapers with Ben before baby #2 arrives. Plus I hear that the one-size diapers can leak when your newborn first comes home, so I might be glad to have the sized diapers for the little person. I haven't used them yet, and Ben is currently in the midst of another bout of diarrhea, so I'm kind of glad that they are still in the washer, honestly!

So, here goes. We're going to give it a shot. I'm thinking it is going to be a huge lifestyle change - more laundry, more frequent laundry, more demanding laundry... a change in laundry detergent, the inability to use (our current) diaper cream (it apparently can create a waterproof barrier on the diaper surface, rendering it unable to absorb well), having to scrape or spray poop into the toilet, or maybe having to purchase a roll of paper liners, trying to figure out which diapers we prefer so I can purchase more, dealing with a diaper pail or a wet bag, dealing with cloth diapers while "out" ... the list goes on and on. I step forward hesitantly, because I really want it to work, but I don't want it to be miserable. And I want cloth diapering to be something I feel good about, not something I feel obligated to do. Wish me luck!

Oh, and one more thing - it's absolutely not my intention to guilt anyone into using cloth, or to feel badly about using disposables, or to scorn my parents for not having a recycling center nearby, or to mock people who burn their garbage. Just a bunch of random (and lengthy) thoughts. Don't be offended. :)

Praying for Stellan!

2009-07-27T11:13:00.001-04:00

Stellan once again needs you now! Click on his name in this post, or on the "Praying for Stellan" button to the right to read the latest update. It's heartbreakingly not good.

What I don't love about being pregnant

2009-07-22T10:13:00.003-04:00

OK, first off, disclaimer: I know lots of women LOVE being pregnant. I have heard several people say it's the best they've felt (health-wise) in their entire lives. I wish this were the case with me. And it's worth mentioning that I DO love the idea of being pregnant: carrying a little life inside of you, feeling him or her squirm, watching your belly wiggle around! Hearing the heartbeat, seeing the munchkin on the ultrasound screen... There are a lot of joys that come with carrying a child, but for me there are a lot of struggles, too. This post is intended to be tongue-in-cheek and sarcastic, but not offensive. So now that that's out of the way...

What I Don't Love About Being Pregnant

Let's begin at the beginning. Early on in the first trimester, I find myself irritable, irrational, starving, nauseated, and need to get up to pee in the middle of the night. And *yawn,* did I mention EXHAUSTED? There's virtually no visible sign of pregnancy at this point, I just feel like crap and nobody even knows why. I have tried to abide by the 10, maybe 12-week rule of keeping your pregnancy a secret, yet within this time I am already feeling VERY pregnant. It is, in a word, miserable. Add in the anxiety associated with carrying a life inside your body, and well... maybe I should have just stopped with 'miserable.'

Second trimester. You know how everyone raves about your energy level returning, the nausea going away, and suddenly feeling great again? Enjoying that pregnancy glow? Yeah. Not so much me. But then again, who doesn't love continued nausea, grouchiness, exhaustion, hormones, and looking like they've gained ten pounds for no reason? Throw in some hemorrhoids, and you know what? I can't even remember why I don't love pregnancy. This all sounds so wonderful.

Late second trimester. Hey wait, maybe I'm not nauseated anymore! Hallelujah, this is fantastic! Now I can be especially grateful for the heartburn that has blessed my life. If I am really lucky, maybe I'll embrace some (surprisingly painful) stretch marks. And oh, the weight gain! Fabulous! My maternity clothes already don't fit, but who doesn't love a chance to go shopping? When you are looking like a balloon, I mean?

Third trimester. Remember how exhausting the first and second trimesters felt? Ha! That sounds like "rested" by now. If you're lucky like me, you've had a return of some nausea, the fatigue is killing you, you're up at least twice a night to pee, and if you're not careful, the child might actually deliver himself through one of your stretch marks. Or perhaps your navel, whichever skin gives out first. You get to enjoy nearly constant pretend contractions, you begin a countdown to delivery way too early, and the baby's room probably isn't even finished yet. Your stomach is far too gigantic to bend over and pick through bins and bins of baby clothes, the floor behind the toilet is most definitely disgusting, and the more you think about how long it will be before you have the body or the stamina to bend over and remedy this situation, the closer you come to tears. Oh, tears! Had I forgotten them? Crying is awesome. Why wait till the little peanut arrives? Might as well practice shedding a gallon ahead of time...

Let's summarize: Fatigue. Nausea. Heartburn. Weight gain. Hemorrhoids. Sleep interrupted by pee breaks. Hormones. Crying. Exhaustion. Hunger. Oooh, ooh - spider veins! Can't forget them. Constipation. Diarrhea. Inability to carry on normal activities. Food aversion. Food addiction. Addiction to the foods to which you have an aversion (doesn't have to make sense). Constant unsolicited advice. Horrible labor stories. More unsolicited advice. Increased body temperature ... the list could go on and on ...

Yes, ladies, pregnancy is a wonderful thing. It is a blessing, a challenge, and of course at the end of everything you get a BABY - which is magnificent. It is a gift to be cherished, a time to be remembered, and a sacrifice worth making. But let's not sugar coat it - there are some rotten parts of it too!

31 weeks, 5 days

2009-07-02T11:36:00.002-04:00

Without going into all the gory details, let's suffice it to say that it's starting to get to the point where it's not fun to be pregnant anymore. I have been blessed beyond measure that it hasn't been a hot summer (yet!), and I know I'm not as big as a horse up there or anything, but the past few weeks have been really trying. I have about 8 weeks to go to my due date... I am hoping for a slightly early delivery, but I'm not getting my hopes up. There is plenty more to do to prepare.

I told Josh last night that in a sense, I look forward to the "crisis" of delivering this child, because once that all comes to fruition, pretty much the rest of life STOPS for a few days, maybe a week, and we all hunker down and deal with life together. At the moment, I feel pulled in different directions with barely the energy to conquer day-to-day life! Ha ha!

I can't wait to get the baby's room set up, to wash the newborn clothes, to sit in the baby's empty room and just sigh a deep sigh of happy anticipation... until then, let's hope for good sleep and a well-behaved (though VERY cooped-up!) toddler. :)

Mommy Confessions - no apologies :)

2009-06-24T12:10:00.003-04:00

*I confess that I hate nearly all children's music. I like lullabies, but I don't like kids' voices singing and I don't like annoying kiddie songs (like Rick Charette, for all of you who grew up near where I did).

*I confess that I occasionally feed my son frozen TV dinners. It started once upon a time as I was eating some random frozen dinner, and Ben wanted that instead of whatever food I had made for him. We traded. And then I realized, it's not that bad to feed him in 4 minutes flat once in awhile.

*I confess that I secretly give dirty looks to the people who refuse to wave back when Ben waves at them. If you know Ben at all, it's kind of a big deal for him to wave or say "hi," so I take it personally on his behalf when they don't return the pleasantry.

*I confess that I like the new baby's room better than Ben's room, and it's not even finished yet.

Feel free to add your own in the comments.

Ten-second thoughts

2009-06-22T21:54:00.002-04:00

*Generally speaking, I think Jon & Kate(PLUS 8)'s business is not my business (or anyone else's business, for that matter). But watching the most recent episode has just made me so sad.

*Welcome, heartburn. I thought I was going to avoid you completely, but ...nope. Sigh.

*At the very end of being pregnant with Ben, when the date for my/his induction was set, the midwife suggested I take a Tylenol PM to get one good night's sleep before the baby came. For some reason, I have been sleeping really poorly lately - like I just can't relax or get comfortable or whatever. So, last week I asked her if I could take a Tylenol PM once in awhile. She said yes, certainly not every night, but once in awhile would be fine. I still haven't done it, I hate taking meds, but tonight might just be the night.

*I could use another vacation.

*When is the best time to get that last pedicure before having a baby? (Not that I get them all the time, I just think it'd be nice to do right before he comes.) 37 weeks? 38?

*My lips are really chapped.

*If I had a choice between a maid and a cook, I think I'd pick a cook. I don't enjoy cleaning or cooking, but at least if I put a bunch of effort into cleaning, it comes out well. Can't say the same about cooking.

How to waste an entire morning

2009-06-16T11:23:00.003-04:00

First of all, get up early. Make sure you shower and take care of your appearance; after all, wasting a morning means missing out on what could have been! Bonus points if you do this on a day when your child(ren) sleep late, for it is especially wasteful to waste sleep.

Make plans to do something fun, you know, take your little one(s) someplace special or the like. Decide to leave early for said activity, as you are up and dressed anyway, and squeeze in an errand or two. Learn that the other moms and kids you thought you might meet up with aren't going to be able to make it, but don't let that stop you - proceed as planned.

Arrive at Sam's Club at 9:30, knowing that you need diapers and wipes, and excitedly pull into a great parking space. Note that you are especially lucky today, because Sam's seems like the kind of place that doesn't open till 10. Get your 30-lb (okay, 29.5, with clothes and shoes on, but still) kid out of his carseat, patiently wait while he insists on closing his own door, pushing the automatic lock button, and walking himself to the nearest cart. Bonus points for forgetting to get your Sam's Club card out before your hands were full. Get to the front door and notice a sign that says some crap about how this entrance is open only for small business owners. Look at the couple in front of you, swaddled infant in their arms, and figure, ah, it's all good. As you show the Sam's associate your card, ask if this is just for small business owners and if you would be allowed to buy, say, diapers right now. Bite your tongue as she snottily replies, "Actually you can't shop at all right now, because it's not 10 o'clock." Resist the urge to kick her in the shin as you spin your cart around and walk back to your car. Go through the same ritual with your toddler to get into the car that you went through to get out of the car, only in reverse, of course. Bonus points if, at any time, you are stuck behind an elderly person whose car is parked in close proximity to yours, and who insists upon taking up the entire walking area of the parking lot lane.

Next, why not take advantage of the fact that a family member who recently visited your house and left behind a storage container works in the same plaza as Sam's? She's always at work; you could probably find her and give her back her Tupperware (that you so efficiently washed out this morning and even remembered to put in the car). Knowing that this will be a quick in-and-out trip, don't bother with a cart for the little guy. He can hold your hand for two minutes, right? Head into the store, see neither hide nor hair of said family member, and foolishly accept a cell phone call. Bonus points if you are in the aisle that displays glass vases. Attempt to drag your child to another aisle unsuccessfully. Give up and drop your purse and the Tupperware on the floor and just bear hug the little ruffian while you complete your conversation. Hang up and confirm with another employee that the person you are searching for is indeed not present. Continue to live in denial that today will be a productive day, and head out to the car. Repeat in/out car ritual.

Happily noting that Wal-Mart is always open, and in the same plaza, head on in to exchange the maternity shirt you grabbed last week. You remember, the one marked with an M on the hanger, but an XL on the shirt itself? Let go of your bitterness that you have to head into this zoo to return a stupid nine-dollar shirt, but secretly pray that they do have a medium because you could seriously use a shirt that covers your belly. Stand in line for roughly one and a half eons, get your nine bucks back, and proceed to the maternity section. Note that the shirt you want is available in S and XL only, and the latter to the umpteenth degree. Escape from Wal-Mart unscathed.

Note that if you were ever going to make it to planned fun activity with your toddler, you'd better get moving. Picture yourself there, chasing him around. Remind yourself that last time you had to climb the wall WITH him in order to get him to slide anyway. Remember that you'll be on your own, his buddies won't be there, and he doesn't really do much but play hide-and-seek with his pal Dean anyway. Imagine yourself standing next to a ginormous bouncehouse while your child presses his nose against the mesh saying, "Dean? Dean?" and having to tell him that Dean isn't coming. Decide not to go after all, but insodoing, realize that you must now cut across three lanes of traffic before the median in order to change plans.

It's 10 a.m. now, so go ahead and return to Sam's Club. You can't really go without diapers or wipes, you know. Go through the same in/out ritual at the car, find probably the exact same cart you had 30 minutes ago (bonus points if you do). Process the fact that the elderly pair next to you, who are loading economy packs of olives and toilet paper into their Buick, probably don't own a small business. And, seeing how it's 10 on the dot right this second, they definitely shopped during small business owner time. Those savages. Deliberately avoid eye contact with the small business owner hours Nazi as you enter the store. Grab your diapers and wipes and find yourself in line by 10:03. Back to the car. Repeat in/out ritual with serenity.

You should now probably head home, seeing how you have asked an astronomical amount of patience from your little man, but why stop here? There are lots more things you can do and look for. Pop in to Target and pick up a birthday present for your nephew and some new underwear. Shake your head at the irony that despite all the foolishness that has been your morning, you have actually accomplished a few things. Feel sorry for your poor son who didn't get to go jump in the bouncehouses. Decide that at this point, it really would be best to head home, before your child loses it, and effectively causes your head to pop off from frustration.

Additional bonus points awarded for grabbing a cart that needs a wheel alignment, for pregnancy, for extra heavy or non-compliant children, for bad weather, work zones, closed lanes, and encountering people who have no idea how to navigate a parking lot. Triple points for arriving home without some essential grocery item which would have been available at roughly three of the places you were into (and out of) this morning. Super triple bonus points for shedding tears at any point. Immediate loss of all points for surviving the trip and being able to laugh at yourself.

Now and Then

2009-06-01T21:12:00.005-04:00

***UPDATED***

I think it's pretty natural to compare pregnancies, I mean, everybody does it. (Even people who have no children have compared my first pregnancy to this second one, so I imagine prego people do it even more so.)

So, here goes:

*With Ben, from the moment I found out I was pregnant until he actually came out, and probably every day since then - ha ha!, my life was BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY. With this pregnancy, I forget now and then (and I did especially at the beginning) that I am pregnant, and when it crosses my mind or I feel a kick, it brings a smile to my face. The bigger I get, the harder it is to 'forget.' :)

*With Ben, I didn't show forever and ever and ever. I wanted to show, wanted to be obviously pregnant, and really and truly, until the very last week or even the very last few days, I never felt ginormous and gross. I already feel that way with this baby, sometimes. It's not that I think I look so huge, I just feel like a tank ...or, as nearly always crosses my mind when I am trying to roll over in bed, a beached whale. Ha ha. And with this baby, I could tell I was pregnant at 8 weeks. I think my belly button was already out by week 10.

*I was sick for 14 weeks with Ben, 20 with this little guy. No motivation there to have a third!

*I didn't play any role at all in remodeling Ben's room (except to give my opinion here and there). With this baby, it is at least 50/50 between Josh and me. I like it. I'm crazy tired from all the work, but I like it this way. I like home improvement stuff, honestly.

OK, new thoughts:

*with Ben, I had leg cramps left and right at night. Once I'd had that first one, it was like a nightly occurrence. Just the other day I was happily appreciating the lack of leg cramps this pregnancy. BUT I HAD ONE LAST NIGHT. We shall see.

*Around 30 weeks with Ben (I think), we had finished his room. I think I have a belly picture of myself with his room in the background, of me at 30 weeks. Well, I'm 28.5 weeks at this point... and you know what? We might just hit that. I'll have to take a picture if we do!

*Ben was a kicker; this baby is a shover.

...to be continued, I am sure...

My little guy

2009-05-28T21:34:00.002-04:00

...didn't want to cooperate and look at the camera. So I ...encouraged him a little. :) He's so cute.

A little sense of humor. And yes, obviously I struggle with the camera.

2009-05-22T13:40:00.006-04:00

Sometimes I think it's funny to post the out-takes. Hopefully you do too. :) I was messing around with the self-timer, and here is all I was able to capture:

I didn't think this one was too bad, but then - Amy had requested a side-view picture, so I tried to take another.
I captured this one, but then realized that my hand is basically ON my stomach, so you can't really see baby anyway.

So then I took this one, which shows more belly, but which is out of focus. And which apparently wants to be described in blue text, underlined, pretending to link you somewhere. Oh, how Blogger gives me a headache sometimes!

Next I got this one, which is the old-fashioned self-portrait...

Followed by this one, which is just silly...
And somewhere in there, I took this one, which is not a picture of my belly at all. But at least you get to see that we went fun places while on vacation! Ha ha ha ha!

Feeding the Lorikeets

2009-05-20T13:25:00.005-04:00

Part of our recent vacation included a trip to the Riverbanks Zoo. We'd been there with Ben twice before (Mom and Dad have grandparent passes; how cute), but we never got to feed the lorikeets. I had seen a couple of sets of pictures of Scott, Tracey, and Abel feeding them, but the exhibit was always either closed or beyond our little guy's capability of behavior (heh). Ben LOVES birds, so we were really excited to get in there. It is really neat, whether you're two or 50!

When you arrive outside the lorikeet exhibit, you can purchase a small cup of nectar that the birds will drink right from your hands. (And apparently will graciously adorn your clothing with, if you stick around long enough for it to go on through!) We were sharing the zoo with about five different elementary schools the day we went, and the place was crowded. The only 'available' bird was pretty high up, when we first got in there.

You can see how Ben is totally into this:
These two birds were doing such a cute job of sharing, no joke...

Mommy's turn (I love Ben's arm around my shoulder)...
...and then Ben goes solo:

And you wouldn't believe the sort of naughtiness these two, er, lovebirds were up to shortly after this photo was taken! (I'll give you a hint, the ginormous turtles were doing the SAME THING just moments later... nothing like getting a real, live biology lesson at the zoo!)

So much fun!

For the record:

2009-05-18T20:18:00.002-04:00

I keep getting comments about how much BIGGER I am than I was with Ben, which I find well, annoying. I'll be honest. Besides, I'm pregnant; I'm allowed to sound grouchy. Below you will find two pictures of my pregnancy with Ben and two pictures of THIS pregnancy. Both taken at 25 weeks, 3 days, ironically enough.

It's the same shirt, but apparently quite faded? Or maybe it's just the lighting. Anyhow, my belly is only marginally bigger (23.5 cm in the first two pics, 25 cm today). My weight gain is almost exactly the same. I just look fatter this time around... as has been so graciously pointed out to me repeatedly in the recent past. They say you carry each baby differently, so I'm chalking it up to that. In the meantime, lay off the mean comments, geez. (Just for fun, I looked back at my 25 week post during Ben's pregnancy, and right about now is when someone told me my butt looked bigger. What is wrong with people?!)

Vacation, here we come!

2009-04-28T13:03:00.001-04:00

We leave for vacation on Thursday afternoon (can't wait!!). This morning Josh took Ben out for a couple hours of running errands and playing at the park so that I could ...clean. I scrubbed the kitchen floor (now blessedly free of sticky oatmeal splotches and the like!), cleaned the dining room laminate, scrubbed the bathtub, sink, and toilet, quick-mopped the bathroom floor, cleaned and vacuumed Ben's room, and managed to have myself showered in time to greet husband and son (and pizza!) at the door for lunch.

Call me crazy, tell me I have my priorities out of order, but this seems to be my habit: I spend a LOT more time cleaning my house prior to vacation than I do packing for said vacation. That's right, folks, I spend my precious last minutes changing sheets and wiping down sinks rather than making sure I packed the infant Tylenol or my toothbrush. I have a good reason, I think. I'd much rather arrive at vacation exhausted (and more than ready to relax!) but have a clean house to come home to.... than leave for vacation all packed, neatly labeled, not-a-thing-forgotten with my house a wreck. I can't imagine a worse feeling than walking into your home sweet home after a looooooong drive, with mountains of laundry in tow, and noticing that the sink is dirty, the toilet is in need of a scrub, and there are globs of toothpaste in the sink.

This little idiosyncrasy of mine drives Josh crazy, for more than one reason. I'm sure he doesn't enjoy the frenzy and flurry before leaving, and I know he doesn't like arriving anywhere having forgotten something stupid. But I am willing to bet that he DOES enjoy walking into a clean house when we return home!

That said, I'm off to dust and polish my dresser... :)

to lighten things up a bit

2009-04-21T13:28:00.002-04:00

Josh and I went to see the NY Mets v. Milwaukee Brewers on Saturday. It was a fantastic day. Sunny, warm (downright hot at times!), the Mets won, what more could you ask for? It was, I'm quite sure, the longest day Josh and I have spent together just the two of us since Ben was born. It was a really, really good time.

Citi Field is really nice. They've done a really good job trying to make it something fan-friendly and meaningful. I always felt like Shea was kind of cheesy, what with the neon lights in the shape of baseball players on the outside and whatnot. Besides, circular stadiums are so old school. The new stadium has a few little quirks here and there and things that make it special. Our seats were on (in?) the Pepsi porch, a little jut out of seating that actually extends into fair territory in right field. I guess that's cool. I found it kind of annoying, when the ball would come our way, because all the fans in front of us would stand up to try and track the ball as it rolled/bounced/whatever directly underneath our seats.

The food choices were pretty impressive, too. You could get anything from pulled pork to linguine a la vodka to calamari... with a few hot dogs, Cracker Jack, and soft pretzels thrown in between. I desperately wanted to visit the Shake Shack, but since it's located in a courtyard-y type of area, it was PACKED with fans the entire game.

They have some cute stuff for kids, too, like a miniature wiffleball field!

But anyway. I should probably explain the picture. This guy was sitting in front of us, and he kept taking his hat off - and when he'd put it back on, he was one of those yahoos who basically puts his hat on the back of his neck and pulls it forward, dragging his hair upward with it. I CAN'T STAND THIS. I hate nothing more than a man with his hair dragged upward and sticking out of the back of his baseball cap. OK, there are worse things in life, but it makes me shudder just thinking of it. Josh apparently thought it would be funny to snap a picture of this dude while I was off to find another hot dog or something, so here it is, in our photo memories forever.

Now it's off to the new Yankee Stadium (someday), where I hear it's quite likely we'd witness a home run or seven.

So much unfairness of things

2009-04-20T20:08:00.004-04:00

This is (obviously) a really long blog post, and mostly written to get it off my mind (which didn't work), and I honestly have to say that I don't mind if you don't read it. It's too heavy for my own heart sometimes; I don't expect anyone to dive in and eat it up!

That's not really an appropriate title, if you've read Bryan's short story, because it's about a boy who cheats on his Latin exam to earn his father's approval, and gets expelled from school. Not really unfair, but somehow you find yourself feeling sorry for the kid, and it really does seem unfair once he admits his transgression. But I digress. What is on my heart tonight seems truly unfair, and I wonder if writing about it will make me feel any better.

I recently mentioned (sort of offhand) to my brother that "I'm kind of burnt out on tragedy lately." An obvious response to this is, Um, yeah, aren't we all? ...because who really wants more tragedy in their life? But somehow I feel surrounded by it lately, and I'm not sure why.

When Ben was several months old, I came across this blog by clicking through from another that I follow. It is the story of Audrey Caroline, a sweet infant girl who died too young: just two and a half hours old. Somehow, those precious hours were viewed as a delicious blessing, as her fate had been known long before her birth day. To spend such a solid chunk of time before having to say goodbye was special, and her family was able to capture hundreds of pictures of her short little life. I sobbed when I read this blog. I stayed up way too late reading it, and when I had caught up all of the blog posts about Audrey, I absolutely lost it. I went to bed heartbroken, and I've never even met any of the people involved.

Much more recently, I learned about a similar situation occurring in the lives of friends of ours from when we lived upstate. Josh and this man share the same job, they shared a room at Academy, and spent the first two years of their career working night shifts together. His wife is one of those people who is so still and at peace with herself that she makes you feel like you are a Mexican jumping bean when you aren't even moving. They've been blessed with two beautiful children, and then their third was given the same devastating diagnosis as the previously mentioned Audrey Caroline. I found out tonight that Wade was born on April 14, lived nine hours, and passed away on the 15th. Devastating. These are friends of ours, people on our Christmas card list, people whose faces I've actually seen and whose voices I have actually heard.

I have a friend from college who is also pregnant at the moment, and due to deliver about the same time that I am. Her middle-of-the-pregnancy ultrasound, instead of revealing gender and inspiring tears of joy at the miracle of life, revealed a ventricular-septal defect and a pleural effusion, a possibility of Down's syndrome, and a likelihood of stillbirth. In this case, drastic improvements have taken place, and the child's prognosis is significantly happier! But the news came at a time when I was swimming in stories of tragedy.

Back to Audrey Caroline. Her mother, Angie is a devout Christian. (In fact, all of these mothers are.) Not the kind that makes you want to swear in her presence just to ruffle her feathers, but the kind who pursues God with such drive that she spurs you on to do the same. I've been hooked on her blog for months now, and it was from her blog that I clicked through to read the story of Stellan.

OK, I know what you are thinking, here, and I don't care. It's crossed my mind, too. STOP SEEKING OUT STORIES OF BABIES WHO DON'T LIVE. Yeah, I get it. It's like I'm obsessed with morbid thoughts and need something more than the usual to make me anxious about my own pregnancy...

...but that's not the case. I haven't sought out any of these stories. I blog-stalk dozens of blogs, some about kids, some about how to feed your family for $.47 a day, some about motherhood in general, some about jewelry making... hopefully you are getting the point. I'm not looking for this stuff; it falls in my lap and I can't let it go. (And if that's where you choose to criticize me, the not letting go part, then I have no defense. I am an emotional person, and I've been sensitive to the struggles of others all my life. I don't even know if I want to defend this. As annoying as it sometimes is, I kind of like it about myself.)

Stellan's story is a really amazing one. I've mentioned him briefly on this blog before, and I have his button in my sidebar on the right. He was diagnosed with SVT while he was still growing in his mother's womb, and his parents were given the heartbreaking news that he most certainly would not live. Lots of prayer and medication and time later, he was born - perfectly healthy and 'normal.' Truly a miracle baby! Unfortunately, five months later, sweet Stellan is again fighting the sickness of his heart, and has spent nearly a month in and out of SVT and all of that time in the hospital. He is currently in Boston, awaiting an ablation to correct the problem. A rather risky procedure for such a tiny little heart to endure... I don't even know what to pray for this little guy.

I have to sort of break and back up. Each of these four mothers have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and all four of them have clearly vocalized that they neither blame, or are angry at, God. All four have expressed that weird peace that passes understanding about the whole thing, obviously not happy about their given cross to bear, but willing to take it up and follow Him. You know, Him. The one who can heal all of this stuff? Yeah, Him.

I'm stuck. These aren't even my children, and I am angry at God. I question him. I cry out (internally) in anger. I weep defiant tears of misunderstanding. Why, God, why?! It is so senseless. People in these situations are often heard to speak, "I just want to glorify the Lord in these circumstances..." and I think, I don't! I want him to heal your baby! I know that God teaches us lessons in the trials of life, and that we grow most when we are hurting and become more dependent on him. I get it. I know that these are times when God's power and majesty are truly revealed. That peace that passes understanding, that is so mystifying even to those of us who can call a relationship with God our own, is also striking to someone who isn't a believer. God can use these circumstances to show himself to a world whose heart is also breaking.

But I still don't like it.

Can't he, like, strike lightning in the middle of a terrorist compound? Or maybe give a heart attack to a pedophile, instead of someone's sweet grandma? Seems like that would demonstrate his omnipotence pretty well.

And back to the present, how is one supposed to feel when she learns of stories like this? I know in the past when tragedy has struck one of our little ones locally, moms have said things like, "Makes you hug your own little baby just a bit tighter, doesn't it?" and I think to myself... no! It makes me feel ... I don't even know, numb? about things. Why have I been spared this heartache? Or worse, When will it be my turn? And how can I be happy and feel blessed with my own child's health when I see the struggle of others?

I once believed that I had witnessed child abuse. I was young at the time, probably 15 at the most. I didn't know what to do; it happened right in my own neighborhood and I felt really afraid. I tried calling each of my parents at work with no luck, I considered dialing the police but didn't know where that would get the poor kid and frankly, I was afraid to do that... so I called my neighbor. I told her what I had seen and asked her what she thought I (we?) should do. And do you know what she told me? She told me she didn't doubt it a bit that this person was abusing his child, she'd suspected it before herself, and recommended that in this situation a person should count her blessings and be thankful that it wasn't she. (With a healthy dose of MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.)

I felt the injustice in her words then, and I feel them all over again now. I haven't a clue what I should have done back on that day, and I still don't feel like "Be glad it's not you" is good enough. It didn't apply back then, and it doesn't apply now.

So where does that leave me? I sure as heck don't know.

PS - Pray for Stellan. His ablation is very soon!

Ooh...

2009-04-17T22:43:00.002-04:00

This sounds nice. Not the socialism part, so much, but the fabulous spa part. Maybe I should start looking for a plane ticket!

My little munchkin man

2009-04-13T22:26:00.002-04:00

I heart this picture. I put the same one (among others) over at Ben's blog, but I had to post it here, too. He's just such a cutie lately. I swear, every day that goes by he gets bigger and older and more independent and less ...dependent (and I do think those are two different things). He is going to be ready to be a big brother in a few more months, whether I'm ready for him to be or not! Daddy-o was working this Easter Sunday, so Ben and I went off to church by ourselves. He was my little man for the day. It's funny; he's old enough now that you can actually consider him a companion, in a sense, not just a responsibility... though he is still that. I just love him, in case you couldn't tell. :)

As promised...

2009-04-04T21:19:00.006-04:00

Here he is! I couldn't get the scanned picture to work, so I just took a snapshot of the actual picture... and then I had to crop it, because it was crooked... sigh. Anyway, for MOM :), he's facing down, his head is on the right side looking downward, you can see his spine across the top of the screen, and in the left blurry area you can see his bum and under that his little folded leg.

And the big reveal...

2009-04-03T22:55:00.003-04:00

It's another boy! I'll scan in the picture they printed tomorrow. It was kind of funny; I was laying on the ultrasound table saying, "I have a feeling it's a girl..." and the tech said, "Um - I don't think so!" and proceeded to point out how very obviously I was wrong! Ha! So that's our news of the day. Here's to hoping our boys are great friends. :)

My 'large sweet potato'

2009-04-01T13:35:00.004-04:00

I snagged this picture from BabyCenter's webpage view of 18 weeks. The little one is supposed to be the size of a large sweet potato at this point. Two more days till we find out if it is a female sweet potato or a male sweet potato! :)

...I looked at the post again today (4.2), and it says a bell pepper instead of a sweet potato. Funny.

I would love...

2009-03-31T22:56:00.003-04:00

...to feel good again. I feel like I have been either sick nauseated or sick with a cold or sick some other way for about 19 weeks straight. Oh wait, that's how long I've been pregnant.

Ha ha, just got a kick for that one. Can't wait to find out if my little kicker is a boy or girl!

If you have a minute...

2009-03-29T18:07:00.003-04:00

Not sure if it is the cardiac nurse in me, the mom in me, the sap in me, or all of these things, but my heart has been breaking over the story of this precious little boy who lives somewhere in the midwest. Maybe it's because his sweet face reminds me of Ben's chubbier days, who knows. Anyway, I found this woman's blog by clicking through from another blog that I follow, it's totally random... but it has captured my thoughts and weighs heavily with me. I actually have some really serious thoughts on the subject, and it makes me struggle with my faith in a way that I don't care to deal with, most of the time.

Long story very, very short, this little guy was diagnosed with SVT (unhealthily fast heart rate, to put it super simply) while he was still in his mother's womb. He was not expected to be born alive. However, he made it. His delivery went well, and he appeared to be a miracle baby. It is now five months later, and he is again in SVT. A week's worth of treatment has not been able to permanently break him out of it, and the effects of a week's worth of a heartrate in the 200s is taking its toll.

If you have a minute, if you could send some prayers heavenward for this little boy, it surely can't hurt. I can't stop thinking about this little guy and his family, pretty much 24/7.

So, anyone want to guess?

2009-03-28T14:00:00.000-04:00

One week from tomorrow we go for an ultrasound, where they can hopefully tell if we are having a boy or a girl. Anyone care to venture a guess?

Sweet Betsy Ross!

2009-03-27T20:20:00.003-04:00

OK, so a few random facts first, so that parts of this make sense:

1. Ben hasn't pooped in about two days.

2. Ben never gets juice in his sippy cup; it is always water or milk.

3. I scrubbed the front of Ben's changing table/dresser today for the second time since he was born. That's twice in 15 months.

4. Ben likes to walk naked from the bathroom to the bedroom and this has never been an issue.

So fast forward to the story of my day:

Ben pooped five times today, the last two nasty diarrhea that squirted either up or out of his shirt. Nice. I decided to give him a bath tonight, even though it's not a 'bath night,' in order to insure his cleanliness after such nastiness. After his bath, I let him walk naked to his room, as always. I handed him a sippy cup of apple juice, which he has been allowed these past few days because he's had a high fever and isn't eating or drinking much of anything. I laid him on the changing table and got out a diaper. He proceeded to throw his sippy cup of juice onto the floor, and of course it was one of those crappy Take 'n' Toss ones, so the top popped off. Apple juice all over the carpet, wall, and front of the freshly scrubbed dresser. I said SON OF A and mentally wrestled with which I should take care of first: diapering my son or cleaning up the carpet... and opted for the second since the Scotch guard type stuff had the juice at least temporarily beading up on the floor. I put Ben in the hallway on the laminate flooring and he proceeded to pee. A large lake of urine.

About this time, Josh got home, and I yelled to him from the bedroom, "Hiiiiii. Apple juice on the carpet or pee in the hall?" and he said, "Ummm... either?" And I said, "Take the pee."

Grr.

So in the past 24 hours, Ben has had two gross nasty squirty poops, splashed apple juice (which he never gets) onto the front of a freshly cleaned dresser (which I never clean), and peed in the hallway (which he never does). Awesome.

Now go vote in the boy/girl poll.

Countdowns

2009-03-23T11:06:00.003-04:00

11 ...days till we find out if we are having a girl or a boy (hopefully they will be able to tell!)

26 ...days till Josh and I get to see the Mets play at Citi Field

41 ...days till we leave for South Carolina - the visit with Mom and Dad, the Mets/Braves game, and the trip to Myrtle Beach

158 ...days till my due date, ha!

Sweet weekends of work

2009-03-22T17:01:00.002-04:00

I observed something funny today. There is this doctor I work with who especially detests weekend call. That's kind of comical all by itself; nobody likes working the weekend... not we nurses, not the respiratory therapists, not the kitchen staff, not the other doctors. But apparently Dr. Cardiologist thinks that it is especially bad treatment when he has to work the weekend, because he always makes it known within seconds of stepping onto the floor. So anyway, today at around 2 or so, Dr. Cardiologist had to discharge a patient, a well-understood pain in the tail for everyone involved (but of course much more frustrating to him than to any of us). One of the items on his list of things to do in order to send a patient home is to dictate a discharge summary. Here is where the hilarity ensued. Picture a grown man rifling through a chart, muttering under his breath about how people "change where they put things" every other day. Imagine him literally tearing pages as he turns them, dropping the F bomb. In your mind's eye, see him ripping the phone off the hook and grouchily speaking as fast as is humanly possible into the mouthpiece. And then, let your mind really get away from you and picture him throwing the phone onto the desk, slamming the chart, swearing up a storm, punching the rewind button on the phone. Inch your little rolly chair away from him and try not to fear for your life as he literally growls. Offer to find what it is that he's looking for. Try not to feel miffed as he ignores your kind offer. And then, stifle a GUFFAW as he stomps off the unit, yelling, "This is ridiculous!"

Huh?

What is ridiculous?

That you had to work a weekend? Welcome to the real world. That you had to discharge a patient? Congratulations, your colleague in the green to your left has discharged seven today already. That you couldn't find the information you were looking for as you were shouting into the dictaphone? Again, welcome; note that your colleagues handle this with ease; and for your future reference, I'd like to introduce you to the pause button.

Or is what is ridiculous the fact that you have behaved like a five year-old asked to clean his room when he didn't want to, and has reacted to such a nonsensical request by kicking and slamming everything within his reach? I'm going to vote that labeling your perspective of the event as 'ridiculous' is kind of humorously ironic, and I'm going to subtract 100 points from my Assertive Woman score for allowing you to act like this in my presence. For real, if I didn't fear for my actual life, I probably would have called you on your childish behavior, but instead I came home with a good mind to write a letter to your supervisor. Except for the fact that that is the exact opposite of assertive and makes me sound too much like my mom, I might actually do it.

For Pete's sake, he ought to be ashamed of himself.

Vestibular rehab, woo hoo!

2009-03-20T14:05:00.003-04:00

OK, so here's the deal. I'll try to explain it briefly, and Kate, if you're out there, you can correct me in the comments if I mess up! Basically, you have these 'crystals' that should live in the part of the ear above labeled "cochlea." Sometimes, for various reasons, a crystal or two escapes, and meanders its away into one of the canals pictured above. When a crystal is out of place, sometimes moving your head into a given position will cause the crystal to stimulate your inner ear to think that you are moving within your environment, when you actually aren't. The idea behind vestibular rehab is to coax that errant crystal back to where it belongs. Unfortunately, the process triggers the vertigo (and some serious nystagmus!), and it can be kind of uncomfortable.

Well, it wasn't nearly as bad as I had read! Basically this saintly person we shall call ....George, ha ha! put me/my head into four different positions, and it DID trigger some serious vertigo and some really weird-feeling nystagmus for me... but it fixed it, so far anyway. "George" put me into those same positions a second time, several minutes later, and I had basically zero response. So, the outlook is good! I go back Wednesday just to be sure that everything is still 'in place,' and that I didn't have more than one 'crystal' out of place. And in the meantime, I just have to try to keep my head level (as if balancing a book) for the rest of today. Woo hoo, wish me luck!