I have officially left the working world.

Sigh.

Sigh.

Deep breath.

Yeah, it's gone. My job. I gave it back, heh. They called last weekend and said it was time to make a decision. I had planned forever on going back per diem, but the weekend requirements kind of messed everything up. Josh works every other weekend as it is, so if I were to fulfill the per diem requirements for weekends when he was off, one of us would be working every weekend. I thought that might be OK, for awhile anyway. But then I realized that that would mean my first day back to work would be our five-year anniversary, a day which Josh actually has off and which is already covered babysitter-wise.... that was hard to swallow. Then my brother and his family planned a visit, also a weekend I'd be working. That stunk too. Then I realized my hopeful eventual visit to South Carolina to see The Other Grandparents (my mom and dad, ha) wouldn't happen. And as far as our vacation goes, I would not have earned enough time by June (working so few hours) to be allowed to be off. I'd have to make my weekend hours on the same weekends as Josh that month, and we'd have to find someone to be with the baby..... Not to mention the whole breastfeeding issue. I'd have to pump at least three times in an eight-hour shift in order to maintain my milk production and to keep from lactating right through my scrubs. Heh.

So, I'm back and forth. At first I realllllly wanted to go back. Nursing is a job that is heavy in the skills department. You can't be away from it for years and then pick it back up; I'm afraid I'll never be a hospital nurse again. Plus, being a cardiac/telemetry nurse, my job is insanely fast-paced and high stress. You have to learn how to have your ____ in order when you call a doctor. I'm sure this is true of any specialty, but try getting a cardiovascular surgeon on the phone and not knowing the answers to his questions. Or talking to an endocrinologist who wants to know what so-and-so's blood sugars were three days ago at 3 a.m. It's not a job I ever want to do hesitantly - I did that for months before I got my feet under me, and it was miserable.

There are obvious positives. Raising my son is a responsibility, and a privilege. There are moms everywhere who would love to stay home and can't. I don't mean to seem ungrateful. Learning Ben's ins and outs and witnessing every little development (and texting proud papa right away) is a pleasure that I never would have enjoyed giving up. I love my son with my whole heart. But somehow I feel torn, like if I really embrace being a mom I will in essence be forsaking my Self. I capitalize that to signify that I mean Who I Am... the nurse, the capable, independent woman that I worked so insanely hard to become. I busted my butt through four years and three schools, no wait - FOUR schools to become an RN. And I really dug deep and pushed hard to get to the point where I felt like I did a good job at work. Apart from work, I don't probably have to go into too much detail to tell you how hard it is to move from Virginia to Warrensburg, NY to Binghamton, NY in three years' time and still find my feet. We've been in Binghamton for nearly three years now, and I am just starting to feel like I know my surroundings. And I'm just so weary of transition. I haven't lived in the same place this long since I went to college in 1997 - and even though we've lived here three years, I've had three jobs in that time and was going to school for part of that time.

Sigh.

Ugh, it is such a struggle. I think the hardest part is that I desperately want both. I know that choosing my son over my career is by far the more important thing, but how smart of a decision is that to make if I still feel like I wish I was working? Over the past couple of days, I have really enjoyed my Benjamin and have actually found joy in being at home... and although that has felt really good, I recognized today that my job feels miles away.

Maybe that's where it belongs.

It's a good thing he's so dang cute... :)