How to waste an entire morning

First of all, get up early. Make sure you shower and take care of your appearance; after all, wasting a morning means missing out on what could have been! Bonus points if you do this on a day when your child(ren) sleep late, for it is especially wasteful to waste sleep.

Make plans to do something fun, you know, take your little one(s) someplace special or the like. Decide to leave early for said activity, as you are up and dressed anyway, and squeeze in an errand or two. Learn that the other moms and kids you thought you might meet up with aren't going to be able to make it, but don't let that stop you - proceed as planned.

Arrive at Sam's Club at 9:30, knowing that you need diapers and wipes, and excitedly pull into a great parking space. Note that you are especially lucky today, because Sam's seems like the kind of place that doesn't open till 10. Get your 30-lb (okay, 29.5, with clothes and shoes on, but still) kid out of his carseat, patiently wait while he insists on closing his own door, pushing the automatic lock button, and walking himself to the nearest cart. Bonus points for forgetting to get your Sam's Club card out before your hands were full. Get to the front door and notice a sign that says some crap about how this entrance is open only for small business owners. Look at the couple in front of you, swaddled infant in their arms, and figure, ah, it's all good. As you show the Sam's associate your card, ask if this is just for small business owners and if you would be allowed to buy, say, diapers right now. Bite your tongue as she snottily replies, "Actually you can't shop at all right now, because it's not 10 o'clock." Resist the urge to kick her in the shin as you spin your cart around and walk back to your car. Go through the same ritual with your toddler to get into the car that you went through to get out of the car, only in reverse, of course. Bonus points if, at any time, you are stuck behind an elderly person whose car is parked in close proximity to yours, and who insists upon taking up the entire walking area of the parking lot lane.

Next, why not take advantage of the fact that a family member who recently visited your house and left behind a storage container works in the same plaza as Sam's? She's always at work; you could probably find her and give her back her Tupperware (that you so efficiently washed out this morning and even remembered to put in the car). Knowing that this will be a quick in-and-out trip, don't bother with a cart for the little guy. He can hold your hand for two minutes, right? Head into the store, see neither hide nor hair of said family member, and foolishly accept a cell phone call. Bonus points if you are in the aisle that displays glass vases. Attempt to drag your child to another aisle unsuccessfully. Give up and drop your purse and the Tupperware on the floor and just bear hug the little ruffian while you complete your conversation. Hang up and confirm with another employee that the person you are searching for is indeed not present. Continue to live in denial that today will be a productive day, and head out to the car. Repeat in/out car ritual.

Happily noting that Wal-Mart is always open, and in the same plaza, head on in to exchange the maternity shirt you grabbed last week. You remember, the one marked with an M on the hanger, but an XL on the shirt itself? Let go of your bitterness that you have to head into this zoo to return a stupid nine-dollar shirt, but secretly pray that they do have a medium because you could seriously use a shirt that covers your belly. Stand in line for roughly one and a half eons, get your nine bucks back, and proceed to the maternity section. Note that the shirt you want is available in S and XL only, and the latter to the umpteenth degree. Escape from Wal-Mart unscathed.

Note that if you were ever going to make it to planned fun activity with your toddler, you'd better get moving. Picture yourself there, chasing him around. Remind yourself that last time you had to climb the wall WITH him in order to get him to slide anyway. Remember that you'll be on your own, his buddies won't be there, and he doesn't really do much but play hide-and-seek with his pal Dean anyway. Imagine yourself standing next to a ginormous bouncehouse while your child presses his nose against the mesh saying, "Dean? Dean?" and having to tell him that Dean isn't coming. Decide not to go after all, but insodoing, realize that you must now cut across three lanes of traffic before the median in order to change plans.

It's 10 a.m. now, so go ahead and return to Sam's Club. You can't really go without diapers or wipes, you know. Go through the same in/out ritual at the car, find probably the exact same cart you had 30 minutes ago (bonus points if you do). Process the fact that the elderly pair next to you, who are loading economy packs of olives and toilet paper into their Buick, probably don't own a small business. And, seeing how it's 10 on the dot right this second, they definitely shopped during small business owner time. Those savages. Deliberately avoid eye contact with the small business owner hours Nazi as you enter the store. Grab your diapers and wipes and find yourself in line by 10:03. Back to the car. Repeat in/out ritual with serenity.

You should now probably head home, seeing how you have asked an astronomical amount of patience from your little man, but why stop here? There are lots more things you can do and look for. Pop in to Target and pick up a birthday present for your nephew and some new underwear. Shake your head at the irony that despite all the foolishness that has been your morning, you have actually accomplished a few things. Feel sorry for your poor son who didn't get to go jump in the bouncehouses. Decide that at this point, it really would be best to head home, before your child loses it, and effectively causes your head to pop off from frustration.

Additional bonus points awarded for grabbing a cart that needs a wheel alignment, for pregnancy, for extra heavy or non-compliant children, for bad weather, work zones, closed lanes, and encountering people who have no idea how to navigate a parking lot. Triple points for arriving home without some essential grocery item which would have been available at roughly three of the places you were into (and out of) this morning. Super triple bonus points for shedding tears at any point. Immediate loss of all points for surviving the trip and being able to laugh at yourself.