What I don't love about being pregnant

OK, first off, disclaimer: I know lots of women LOVE being pregnant. I have heard several people say it's the best they've felt (health-wise) in their entire lives. I wish this were the case with me. And it's worth mentioning that I DO love the idea of being pregnant: carrying a little life inside of you, feeling him or her squirm, watching your belly wiggle around! Hearing the heartbeat, seeing the munchkin on the ultrasound screen... There are a lot of joys that come with carrying a child, but for me there are a lot of struggles, too. This post is intended to be tongue-in-cheek and sarcastic, but not offensive. So now that that's out of the way...

What I Don't Love About Being Pregnant

Let's begin at the beginning. Early on in the first trimester, I find myself irritable, irrational, starving, nauseated, and need to get up to pee in the middle of the night. And *yawn,* did I mention EXHAUSTED? There's virtually no visible sign of pregnancy at this point, I just feel like crap and nobody even knows why. I have tried to abide by the 10, maybe 12-week rule of keeping your pregnancy a secret, yet within this time I am already feeling VERY pregnant. It is, in a word, miserable. Add in the anxiety associated with carrying a life inside your body, and well... maybe I should have just stopped with 'miserable.'

Second trimester. You know how everyone raves about your energy level returning, the nausea going away, and suddenly feeling great again? Enjoying that pregnancy glow? Yeah. Not so much me. But then again, who doesn't love continued nausea, grouchiness, exhaustion, hormones, and looking like they've gained ten pounds for no reason? Throw in some hemorrhoids, and you know what? I can't even remember why I don't love pregnancy. This all sounds so wonderful.

Late second trimester. Hey wait, maybe I'm not nauseated anymore! Hallelujah, this is fantastic! Now I can be especially grateful for the heartburn that has blessed my life. If I am really lucky, maybe I'll embrace some (surprisingly painful) stretch marks. And oh, the weight gain! Fabulous! My maternity clothes already don't fit, but who doesn't love a chance to go shopping? When you are looking like a balloon, I mean?

Third trimester. Remember how exhausting the first and second trimesters felt? Ha! That sounds like "rested" by now. If you're lucky like me, you've had a return of some nausea, the fatigue is killing you, you're up at least twice a night to pee, and if you're not careful, the child might actually deliver himself through one of your stretch marks. Or perhaps your navel, whichever skin gives out first. You get to enjoy nearly constant pretend contractions, you begin a countdown to delivery way too early, and the baby's room probably isn't even finished yet. Your stomach is far too gigantic to bend over and pick through bins and bins of baby clothes, the floor behind the toilet is most definitely disgusting, and the more you think about how long it will be before you have the body or the stamina to bend over and remedy this situation, the closer you come to tears. Oh, tears! Had I forgotten them? Crying is awesome. Why wait till the little peanut arrives? Might as well practice shedding a gallon ahead of time...

Let's summarize: Fatigue. Nausea. Heartburn. Weight gain. Hemorrhoids. Sleep interrupted by pee breaks. Hormones. Crying. Exhaustion. Hunger. Oooh, ooh - spider veins! Can't forget them. Constipation. Diarrhea. Inability to carry on normal activities. Food aversion. Food addiction. Addiction to the foods to which you have an aversion (doesn't have to make sense). Constant unsolicited advice. Horrible labor stories. More unsolicited advice. Increased body temperature ... the list could go on and on ...

Yes, ladies, pregnancy is a wonderful thing. It is a blessing, a challenge, and of course at the end of everything you get a BABY - which is magnificent. It is a gift to be cherished, a time to be remembered, and a sacrifice worth making. But let's not sugar coat it - there are some rotten parts of it too!