Little loves.

You know how sometimes you have those days/weeks/let's face it, months where life is just so mundane you think you could actually do an entire day in your sleep? Except that you'd rather just sleep? This has been my life for the past little while, and well - it can be depressing. Not in an "Oh my goodness, my life is meaningless" way, but in an "I can't remember the last time I shaved my legs, or brushed my teeth before noon... and nobody cares" kind of way. Such is the life of a stay-at-home mom.

Let's take a moment for honesty... being a stay-at-home mom is not my idea of fun. I don't LOVE being at home, I don't revel in every single breath my children take, I get sick of changing diapers, and sometimes I just want 'the girls' to be my own - not someone else's food source. That said, I absolutely DO treasure both of my boys, and I know they are ginormous blessings. They have certainly changed my life, and in a way that makes me wonder why it was even worth living before. But as a wise mom friend of mine (that's you, Jules) pointed out once - it's not like we spent our childhoods dreaming of growing up and staying at home. We dreamed of having kids, yes - but we grew up in a generation of children that sought out careers and busted our you-know-whats to get degrees. Our moms were likely more content at home than we are. We were bred to be go-getters, to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with anyone who dared, and to carry our own weight.

Staying at home does not do this achievement-driven generation justice in the pat-on-the-back department.

It's not that staying home is easy, and for sure it isn't meaningless. I have seen firsthand the difference between a kindergartener whose mother stayed home with him and a kindergartener whose closest thing to Mom being at home was HeadStart. The chasm is nearly impossible to close in a single year of school. Right now as I sit at my computer, my two year-old knows more letters and numbers (and can recognize his own name in print) than many of the kids I worked with in that kindergarten center. I am proud of Ben, and I am thankful that he has the blessing of a parent who can stay home with him, because I know he benefits from it. Generally speaking, that doesn't do much for me, though. I know I have grown up in a selfish generation; we are the me-first culture, and I don't necessarily like that about myself. But, at least in a shallow sense, it is what it is, and I struggle with finding peace while staying at home.

All of that said, I have fallen in love with my boys this week. Josh and I have talked about lots of New Year's resolution-type subjects lately, and the concept of finding happiness right where you're at. In a world that is always climbing, climbing, climbing, it is nice to rest upon whatever rung of the ladder you currently sit. The ebb and flow of life brings days upon days of frustration, but every so often there is a stillness to life that allows you to breathe ... if you quiet yourself to feel it. I have soaked in that cool watery reality this week, and it has been wonderful. Matt has fallen into a good napping routine, and it has freed me up to spend some time with Ben without trying to get other things done at the same moment. Knowing that Matt will take another nap later allows me to savor a few minutes with my firstborn because I can always hit up the dishes the next time Matt sleeps. And if Ben and Matt's naps don't happen to overlap on a given day, I can cherish a few minutes with Matt minus big brother's energetic mountain climbing skills.

For just a second there I started to imagine what life will be like two years from now, when Matt is the mountain climber and Ben is but four -- shudder. Back to the cool watery feeling, ohmmmmm... ohmmmmm.... phew. OK, we're back.

The pictures I chose for this post are silly. I intended for them to be, because the moments they capture are the ones that touch my heart and bring a small smile to my face. These boys are the apples of my eyes (good thing I have two eyes!), and I really, really wouldn't change a thing about my life right now.