...to come and join me (and the rest of our church) at Cole Park on Sunday for a baptism service.
Where I will be baptized.
For the first time.
It's been a long road, honestly. If you want to hear the (quite condensed) "whole" story, here goes:
My spiritual journey began in the church nursery, when I was only a few weeks old. I grew up in the church, and I've always considered myself a Christian. I don't have a climactic "conversion" point, where I left a life of obvious sin and chose to live for God. Which is probably part of why I wasn't baptized a long time ago.
As a kid, I never really questioned my faith. I knew what the right answers were, and I knew what was expected of me. I didn't really develop a strong foundation in what I believed, because it was never challenged. My friends were all "good kids." It was easy to be a good kid.
When I went away to college, though, my foundation was shaken. I met people from different churches who practiced their faith in a way much different from the way I was brought up. Some people lived a lot more freely than I did. Some people were much more conservative. I saw some new spiritual practices that I had never heard of, and at the same time, I felt the sense of shame that comes from very old-school, rules-based religion. I found myself in this spiritual storm - confused by the people around me, and honestly, kind of scared. I remember digging through my Bible, looking up answers to all these spiritual questions that were swimming around in my mind, and I got together with my pastor and his wife back home on a school break. But when I went back to college, I still felt like I was the one who was on the outside, like I was missing something. Or that I wasn't a good enough Christian to feel OK with where I was.
I think that at some point I kind of "checked out" of my spiritual life. I stopped trying to figure out what I believed, because I kept running into more and more rules, rules some people broke and some people followed. That just made me more confused and unsure. I felt like I was trying to figure out which rules were the "right" rules. I kind of think that in the back of my mind, I learned to be mistrustful of church in general, as if I were never quite safe, as if there was always going to be a new rule I didn't know about. Josh and I went to a church when we were first married that didn't allow a person to be involved in the church in any way until they had been baptized. Well, you are reading this today - obviously I hadn't been baptized! I felt badly that I hadn't, but probably worse - the experience didn't make we want to be baptized. Instead, I felt that I had to hide the fact I hadn't been. I hadn't followed the baptism "rule." And I remember feeling guilty for breaking other "rules" at different times in my life: for selling alcohol as a grocery store clerk, for going to school dances, for going to movies, for swearing.
It has taken a long time to shake the feeling of skepticism I have about church. It has been hard to find a place where I feel safe to be who Iam, and am able to trust where I am with God. I am thankful to have found North Pointe, and honestly - that is why I am being baptized now. I believe that baptism is an act of obedience, and for me, an outward demonstration of an inward transformation that took place long ago. It has taken me a long time to come to the point where I choose to be baptized because I really want to, to act out my commitment, rather than out of a sense of obligation to meet the standard of a given church or pastor. I don't have to pretend that I am perfect. And I don't have to be someone I'm not.
In the Bible, in the book of Galatians, Paul says "It is for freedom that Christ has set you free. . .you who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace." (Galatians 5:1, 4)
I don't have to worry about the law, or the rules, anymore - because Jesus went to the cross and took care of all the 'rules' for me. And because I trust him as my Savior, I have accepted the gift of his grace, that justifies me through faith in him. I am free!
So, hope to see some of you at Cole Park! 8:45 a.m.
4 comments:
What a great back story, Beth! It's nice to know that people like me (unsaved in college) felt the same feelings that someone like you (churched since infancy) did. I always took it for granted that church kids had all the answers! After joining a church and becoming saved, I was baptised too about three years ago. I was nervous, but people were so happy for me and it felt so good afterward...like you said, a step of obedience. Good luck on Sunday!
Wow--our stories are very similar. I was baptized as an infant, but have not done so since I accepted Jesus at the age of 12. I have been wanting to do it also, and even though I know it isn't about what church you go to, that it is about making an outward commitment to God, I haven't felt comfortable at any of the churches we have attended to be able to do so (until now). I won't be joining you this Sunday, but I will be there to witness this awesome event for you!!
It is so great to hear your story. I can't wait to be at your baptism. It is such a special event.
I am thinking about you today! I tried to comment a few days ago but it wouldn't go through because my computer is so slow at night! What an interesting story, I didn't know about a bunch of those things! And it's interesting that we went to the same college and had totally different experiences. I have never heard of some of those 'rules' either. Crazy!
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