A little background for you: Yesterday I bought a plumber's snake at Lowe's. I did this because our tub tends to drain slowly, and it doesn't respond well to Drano. At the moment, our tub is draining slowly. We have the snake, just haven't used it yet.
OK. So. Josh went in to work tonight, and it was business as usual at our house, which is to say that around 7 I fed Matt some baby yogurt and after that I put the boys into the tub. I usually get the tub ready while Matt is still in his high chair. Tonight as I was running the water and adding a few bath toys in, I had a flashback to when Ben was a baby and I dumped the entire pack of foam letters into the bathtub, and then he had diarrhea, and then I had to scrub 26 foam letters and 10 foam numbers with bleach solution. I don't know why I had that thought, I just did. So anyway.
I usually put Matt in first, wash him up, and then put Ben in, and wash him up, and then let them play a little... and then I get Matt out and ready for bed while Ben plays by himself for a bit. I can never get Ben out first, because Matt can't be trusted to be by himself in any way, anyhow, anywhere. So tonight I got Matty into the water, and then Ben, and then I was sitting on the lid of the toilet in the bathroom when Ben holds out his hand to me and says, "What is this, Mommy? Is this poop?" And I laugh to myself, given my earlier flashback, and say, "No, Ben, I'm sure that's not poop ...let me see... OHMYGOODNESSthat*is*poop!" And I think to myself, it's not really that much. Maybe Matt had a little on his bottom when I took his diaper off? And I ask Ben, "Did you go poop in the water?" And Ben says no, and then I realize that the entire bottom of the tub is full of poop, underneath all those bubbles.
So you know how sometimes what you need to do - get the kids out of the tub - is clear, but your mind kind of races? As in, OK, the water is poopy, the toys need to come out, UGH, I'm going to have to bleach all those toys, the boys need to get out, they are in poopy water, they are going to drip poopy water on the floor, I JUST CLEANED THE BATHROOM YESTERDAY, their towels are here and ready to dry them, but then the towels will be contaminated with poop water, I will need to grab fresh towels, I am going to have to drain that water and then re-bathe them, they are covered in poop water, I am going to have to wash the tub before I can put them back into it, it's all poopy........ ugh. Might as well just get after it.
So I pull the drain and get Ben out. He, at least, can be trusted to sit on the bath mat in a towel. Sort of. I leave Matt in the water while it's draining because well, he's already gross, it's not like he's going to get any grosser, and honestly? What am I going to do with a poopy child in the bathroom while I wait for the tub to drain? So I can then rinse it down, scrub it down, rinse it again, refill it, and put him back in? I considered putting him in his crib and just letting him scream while I took care of business, but you and I both know that when you have a poopy mess, the fewer number of rooms involved the better. At least that's how I roll. So as the water goes down Matt starts trying to pick up the poo, and I am so disgusted, and it is taking DAYS for that stupid tub to drain, and I decide to pull him out. I put him in a straitjacket of a towel, and hope for the best. Once the water drains I get to work, and cross my fingers that Matt won't get into too much trouble in the bathroom, or that he won't pee on the floor, or something.
Ben relieves Matt of his towel, and the boys are banging on the toilet lid together, and I am happy that they're drumming, it's keeping them busy and out of trouble. Until I realize that their 'drum stick' is actually my toilet brush, and it's wet from the last time I scrubbed the toilet. Awesome. At this point I YELL out, "COME ON!" much like one would yell at A-Rod for missing an easy ground ball to third. My hands are covered in Comet suds and I grab the stupid thing from Matt and shove it back into the holder. What IS it with babies and crawling behind toilets? I swear, I have that toilet brush jammed back so far behind the toilet it's not even visible if you don't know where to look for it.
So then I think, well, I'll let them get back in and have a nice long soak, I need a break. Nope. The thought occurs to me that Matt may not have finished his, ahem, business, so I don't want them back in there together in case he has another ...accident. And I don't want to put Matt in first, for the same reason. So I am forced to speed-clean Ben while Matt is still on his own, crawling around the bathroom naked. I get Ben out of the tub, tell him in my very clearest of terms to walk himself directly to his room, retrieve a Pull-Up from his bottom drawer, and walk immediately back to the bathroom. Potty-trained or not, he can't really be trusted out in the great wide world naked. He comes back oh-so-obediently, with his Pull-Up, his towel, and his stomp rocket. He says, "I have all the things that I need!" I am speed-scrubbing Matt by this time, and I'm all, "Yeah, yeah," as I help Ben into his Pull-Up. Next thing I know Ben has stuck the hose from the stomp rocket into the toilet and is trying to shoot air into the water to create some kind of toilet geyser which I am not in any position to handle. I can't remember what I said (yelled) to him, but it had to have been really pleasant, sweet, and patient, because when I was talking to him in his room later, he said, "I don't like the way you were talking to me in the bathroom." OY.
So I got Matt to bed, got all the bath toys into the sink with some bleach and water, got Ben to bed, and.............. here I sit.
That was just a little too much *life* for one night!